“Set Yourself Free” by Ralph Marston"

---"There is no outside force holding you back. You are holding you back and you are blaming it on someone or something else. The way you are able to continue holding yourself back is by maintaining the illusion that you're a victim. Once you realize that illusion, you will naturally and easily move forward. In fact, it is easier to fulfill your best possibilities than it is to avoid them. So let go of the blame and watch the limitations drop away. Certainly there will always be challenges that hold you back. For each challenge provides you with a pathway through which you can move toward fulfillment. It is your very nature to accomplish. Lovingly accept your destiny, and allow that accomplishment to be manifest through you. Set yourself free to follow your purpose. Set yourself free to truly live."

Thursday, October 21, 2010

R3 P2 VLCD 4 : 203.9

Well it's day 4 and I'm down 7.1 pounds. That's only half of the14 pound loading gain lost but I'll take it.

I am still disgusted at myself that I went back up over 200 again all the way to 211 with the loading. I had been stabilized between 190-195 before the loading. Oh well. I still have 39 injections left. So enough time to get back make some good headway into the lower decades of numbers. Something in the 180's would be nice.

I had to defer my trip to San Fran to write the bar exam. It really bothers me that I'm not prepared and I'm losing quite a hefty registration fee. But I will register again for next June. With starting the new job and trying to prove myself to the new director and juggling all the craziness I wasn't able to get in all the study that is required and I definitely know that I'm not prepared enough to write that exam and get a passing mark. I think it would be worse if I wrote it and failed. I am still really disappointed in myself though. I know I shouldn't be but having a plan and not seeing it through really eats at my core. It came to a point of paying attention to my 3 girls and spending time with them or locking myself in a quiet room all night after work to study. My children had to come first. So on to plan B and I have 7 months to spread out the study that needs to get done. I have to be strict and plan accordingly to stick to the schedule.

Welcome to the new HCG community members. Thanks everyone for your supportive comments. It helps to know that you have people rooting for you that know the drill.

Sending good releasing and/or stabilizing vibesto everyone.

P.S. has anyone heard of the clothing brand BENCH? All 11 year-olds are into that now and I just can't believe the prices they charge for the poor quality. Oh well. $89 plus tax later. I finally gave in because her marks are all A+ and she's been helping at home. She's estatic to wear it to school tomorrow.

Monday, October 18, 2010

R3 P2 - VLCD 1

OMG - I gained 14 pounds over three days of loading. Please say it isn't so. I almost had a heart attack looking at the number this morning. I tried it about 10 times with the scale in all different places and even reset it a few times. I could understand if I ate everthing in sight but I thought I was being conservative!!

Today is R3 P2 VLCD 1. I am just in shock and freaking out. I was hovering around 195 -196ish since the end of the last round. I was going to start last week but I have been sick with a cold that just won't go away for about two weeks now. So it's only the past few days that I feel better enough. I didn't want to start a new round in the middle of being sick.

So anyways, it will take me half a round or more just to lose this!!!!! What am I to do??? Is it even possible to gain 14 pounds loading? Granted I did a third day of loading but still. I am going to down about 6 litres of water today and pray to see a much lower number on that scales tomorrow morning.

Saturday, August 28, 2010

Day 2 ( R2 P3 ) 191.5

Hi folks,
My apologies for the absenteeism. Things have been crazy busy especially with my new position at work. I sometimes regret taking on this job even though it was a promotion because it is one of those jobs that is analagous to a *fixer-upper* house. Lots of issues to resolve and no budget or resources to do that. Put I am plugging away and keeping the possibility of other options open. Ive been trying to check in on you guys now and then and am wishing good losing or stabilizing vibes to everyone.

The weight I have decided to start P3 with is 191.5. I did see 188 on the scales but I kept hovering between 188 and 192 mostly losing the same 4 pounds over and over again in the last week or so. Being itchy as all hell doesnt help and I am going to a dermatologist next week because Im convinced Ive contracted fleas or cooties or something but its just on my inside forearms, neck, side of my face and head. Very bizarre but you know its bad when you actually have to go to the washroom so that you can scratch in private. Its gotten that bad.

So I am happy with 191.5. It makes an official 40 pounds lost. This is the smallest I have been in a long long time. And now to get to a goal of 145 I only have 46.5 pounds left to lose. Thats a far cry from the 125 pounds I had to lose when i was at an all time high of 269.9.

So even though I have only lost 7.1 pounds on R2 those 7.1 pounds were hard earned through blood sweat and tears. Ok well maybe not blood but the point is Ive made it through, my eating habits have changed for the better and I have so much more self control. The bonus is that I am getting further and further away from the 200 mark and at 191.5 its quite possible that I will never see it again.

We went to an exhibition yesterday which I guess is similar to a county fair and I had a sausage no bun. I was able to avoid all the carnival foods and even though the smells were so tempting I was okay with my sausage and some cashews. Thats a huge improvement - actually a gazillion times better than last summer.

I booked my registration for the baby bar exam on October 26th in Oakland. I am looking for a good deal on a flight but the more I read about Oakland I wish I had picked Los Angeles as the test centre instead. I thought Oakland would be nice because its so close to San Fran but the more i read about the high crime rate, Im starting to get anxiety about staying there and about my safety. Has anyone ever been to Oakland and if so, is it really as bad as Im reading about...

Sending good loss or stabilitzation vibes to everyone.

Wednesday, August 11, 2010

VLCD 24 ( R2 P2 ) : 196.9

Things are going well - I started protocol strictly on Monday and am remaining strong.

I have 16 injections left and want to slavage the end of this round and make the most of it. round. I will post again when I reach 189 - hopefully soon and that will be wonderful. 186 would be ideal but we'll see - not sure what this body can do.

Has anyone experienced itchiness on protocol. I did in the first round and now it's gotten worse. When I was pregnant with my third child I was so itchy I felt like my skin was crawling. Could it be the hcg in both situations? Not sure but I wish it would subside.

Sending good loss or stabiliziation vibes to everyone.

Monday, August 9, 2010

VLCD 22 ( R2 P2 ): 199.8

It's not 200 but close. Today is day 5 of TOM. On Friday night I got home and was so tired but we brought my 7 year old to her soccer game and I ate P2 clean. I went immediately to bed after that. Saturday I was still very lethargic and was trying to clean my house for the in-laws' arrival on Sunday. I had that *am I about to throw up feeling* and a sore throat all day and didn't eat anything. I had not injected since Wednesday. The mistake I made was waking up Saturday evening absolutely starving and the kids wanted my time after being with dad all day and it was dinner time. I took them to the park and then for a slice of pizza. I ate a slice of pizza with them. Sunday morning I woke up to a gain and then thought wth - since my inlaws are coming I might as well enjoy the dinner out with them. They arrived late and we ended up going to a Chinese buffet instead of the restaurant down town. Then after that I went to the drug store for Tylenol and bought a chocolate bar x2. This morning I had wicked heartburn and the sad thing is that nothing I ated tasted good. It was all *blah* with no real taste at all. I don't know if I'm sick or what but the food was not *enticing* like it used to be. It just all tasted bland and I was full right away after eating not too much.

I injected this morning and have 18 injections left. I declined lunch out today for a co-worker's celebratory good wishes for her transfer to another department. If she was leaving the company I would go but she's still in the building and I will still see her often. But, I don't want to try to find something P2 to eat at the Texan food restaurant - they're all going to Lone Star - fajitas, enchilladas etc., chips and salsa etc.

So with 18 injections left (counted them this morning), I am putting up the steel curtain zone of committment ( i adapted this term from the blog Daily Diary of a Winning Loser). I don't like to be depressing on this blog but I started writing for the accountability and want to be honest about my journey. Life has it's ups and downs and even though I felt *down* and still do (it's hormonal) and tired and worn out, I will not quit.

Thursday, August 5, 2010

VLCD 18 ( R1 P2 ): 195.9

Arrrghhh - it seems like I've been plateauing in the mid '90's for quite some time now. Don't get me wrong - I am soooo glad to be out of the 200's but I want to get further and further away from that number.

I had a garden chicken salad at Pizza Hut last night and there were some croutons in it. I think that may be the problem here is that I need to be SUPER strict. That's the plan. I'm trying so hard to stay strong but it's the little slip-ups that cause the stalling. I skipped an injection today just in case as so far I didn't skip one a week like I had done in R1.

Sending good loss or stabilization vibes to everyone.

Tuesday, August 3, 2010

VLCD 16 ( R2 P2 ) : 196.2

Back to work today after a long weekend. It sure was hard to get out of bed this morning - I always overwork myself on weekends. My 2 year-old fell out of my bed this morning at 4 am and really banged her head hard. I stayed up since 4am because I wanted to check on her to make sure she was alright.

I felt my stomach rumbling and was actually physically hungry. But I didn't bother to eat anything. I just thought it would led to overeating so I layed next to her in bed wide awake and hungry. It will be early to bed tonight for sure.

Monday, August 2, 2010

VLCD 15 ( R2 P2 ) : 196.9

Today is my 2nd wedding anniversary we got married in Vegas two years ago today. My only regret is that I wore a black short sleeve dress to our wedding. I thought I could buy something to wear when we got there but at the time I was about 223 pounds and really couldnt find anything good to wear that wasnt sleeveless so I had to wear a dress from my suitcase. My youngest was six months at the time so it was kind of an unplanned trip. I just got too frustrated shopping for a dress and I just thought I looked too fat in whatever I tried on - everything was sleeveless. I can not wear sleeveless because I have abnormal flab on the tops of my arms -it almost looks like the skin that a turkey has on its chin. So anyways I cannot dwell on that. I thought I looked nice despite the fact that it is probably not good superstitious wise to get married in black. The photos turned out nice and I wore high heeled silver sandals. We went to dinner after the ceremony at Les Auberges in the Paris hotel and then went to see the Eiffel tower - very cool.

My favourite flower is the Sunflower and I awoke to some really nice ones in the kitchen in a vase with a beautiful card. It has been a rough two years but we are really working on working through our issues and are still together suprisingly.

The offer was to go for a steak dinner at the Keg. It is a civic holiday here in Ontario today so it would have been nice but I declined because I just do not want to be tempted with overeating. Yes, I could order an 8 oz steak and cut it in half and have salad or veggies on the side but I do not know what they put on steak and I do not trust that it will be *protocol clean* if I make a special order. Plus we had bbq steak last night I put away 3.5 oz for dinner againt tonight.

I have been painting my daughters room since about 11 this morning and am sweating like a bulldog. I need to buy an edger but all the stores are closed today. So I have left the edges at the top and bottom until I can buy one. I am not skilled enought to just use a brush and not get it on the baseboards and ceiling. She will be home from camp next Sunday and I want to surprise her. So I have some time to do the finishing touches before then. She wanted blue because she says she is not into the *girly* pink. I am just hoping it does not end up looking like a baby boys nursery with the blue that I have chosen. I got her a new duvet cover and a beautiful blue lamp so it should look alright when I am done.

So back to guzzling water now. I feel like I should be further along with the weight loss but I am taking it for what it is considering that I had a previous failed attempt at P2 and went up to 207 with the loading. One day at a time is all I keep thinking. I am eating clean and it will be slow but sure. (sorry for the bad grammar - i cannot use apostrophes on this damned laptop - have not figured out how to change the language settings from french to english yet!!!)

Sending good loss or stabilizing vibes to everyone.

Saturday, July 31, 2010

VLCD 13 ( R2 P2 ) :197.7

It was nice to see the drop. It is true that seeing a lower number sets the tone for a good day. It is hard not to make it abot the numbers on the scale when you have to weigh every morning.

Kate http://kateonedayatatime.blogspot.com/left a reference on her blog to Melissa Blake's blog http://melissabxoxo.blogspot.com/2010/07/love-lounge-i-vow.html and on it i found the following inspiration.

Basically it summarized the vows we make to others: on our wedding day, to our career, to our family but we never make personal vows to ourselves. She vows the following (direct quote from her blog): " ...to be happy, my way, to live a life filled with love, to continue learning to be happy with myself. "

I also want to make this vow to myself and to add that I vow to have confidence in myself and my ability and to remain true to who I am and the stronger, healthier woman that I am continually working on becoming.

Hope you are having a wonderful weekend and sending good loss and/or stabilizing vibes to everyone.

Thursday, July 29, 2010

VLCD 11 (R2 P2) 199.9

The scale said 199.9 today. I'm pleased to be back in the lands of the one's! My body seems to love this number and anywhere between 199 and 202. I think that is my body's preferred stabilization place.

The lowest I ever was in recent years was 204 lbs in June 2006 after being on 1500 calorie diet strictly. I had lost 43 pounds coming down from 247. So maybe that's why it's comfortable at 199. Don't know the physiology behind it.

Here's the history:
Highest weight ever: 269.9 in June 2001 when my first child was 22 months.
Stayed around 247 for a long time (2004-2005)
Went down to 204 (June 2006)
Start of HCG R1P2 - 230.5 (February 2010)
End of R1P2 - 198.6 (March 2010)
Start of R2P2 - 206.5 (July 2010)

Current Weight: 199.9

The lowest number I've seen so far on protocol is 194.3. That was during my inital botched attempt at R2P2. So I need to get this body used to a new stabilizing weight. It's just too comfortable teetering on 199 and casually crossing the border back over the 200 mark!!

Wednesday, July 28, 2010

VLCD 10 ( R2 P2 ) : 201.4

Am pleased with the 1.5 pound drop. Am staying strong on protocol and drinking lots of water.

Gloria left me a comment about EFT(Emotional Freedom Technique) - thanks Gloria! I had never heard of it but did some research and it was exactly what I was looking for. Basically EFT is alternative psychotherapy techniques that purports to manipulate the bodys energy field by tapping on specific acupuncture techniques while a specific traumatic memory is focused on or triggered (for example, memories of childhood criticism), in order to alleviate a psychological problem.

My favourite is the following: Have yourself little math problems. Emotion comes from the right side of the brain and doing simple little mathematics like addition and subtraction will activate the left side and cause circumvention to the emotional response that you are having.

I have to learn to stop the reaction of crying which starts with the lump in my throat when I am confronted with criticism. It happens spontaneously and I really need to have a tactic in case it ever happens to me again. It has happened several times over my life span and I cannot let it happen again especially at a place like work. It has never happened ever at work before but I want to be able to control it in all situations. So I am now armed with these techniques which I will definitely remember.

Sending good vibes for loss or stabilization to everyone!

Tuesday, July 27, 2010

VLCD 9 ( R2 P2 ): 202.9

I am calling this Day 9 even though if I had stayed on protocol it would have been day 13. After the fiasco last Thursday, I came off plan late that evening. So I took a break and stopped injecting. I started up with the injections yesterday (did not weight) and went back strictly on protocol this morning. So... I am considering this day 9.

I want to thank all of you for the supportive comments that you left me. It was tough for me. I took some time to put it into perspective and I walked back into work on Monday confidently with my head up. I am going to chalk it up to looking at the source. I have documented everything and filed it in case I need it for future use. If similar comments are made to me a second time then I would have the basis for a human rights commission complaint.

So back to guzzling water. I forgot to eat lunch today - I seriously was not hungry and actually forgot to eat. This evening I was still not hungry but ate anyways. I am pleased with the Ovidac brand and I am hoping to stay strong and salvage this round and get into the 180s.

Sending good loss or stabilizing vibes to everyone. Thanks again for all the support - you guys are the best and I am so thankful to be part of this community of wonderful strong compassionate women.

p.s. Meli, if you are reading this I have tried to leave a comment for you yesterday and today. I do not know if it is just me, but I cannot post the comment because there is no space to enter the word verification.

Thursday, July 22, 2010

VLCD 8 ( R2 P2 ) 198.1

I cried until my teeth hurt, my jaw hurt and my eyes were on fire. I was schocked, confused, hurt, bewildered, embarassed, and doubtful and felt in a place where I had lost all control. The message was: *tell her to cover up - it sends the wrong message*

The image on the side is what I wore to work yesterday ( I took the pic at day end to prove it) and here is what happened. I had meeting at 9am, then another meeting with an outside supplier and my director from 10 - 12:40. I then wolfed down a small piece of grilled chicken with tomato on top that I bought from the buffeteria. I sat at my desk trying to print out papers that I would need for a 1 pm meeting hosted by my new general manager and his team.

I was tired. The meeting ended at 3:40. A bit later I crossed paths with my new director in the hall and he asked to meet. At the meeting he told me how well I am doing in the new job and that he is impressed with me etc.etc. etc. BUT........ he had a message that he was asked to convey to me from the general manager. The message was *tell her to cover up and do not dare come to the meeting on Monday with the VP dressed like that - it sends the wrong message* . I sat there in shock. At first I tried to remain stone faced. I felt myself spacing out and wanting to crawl into a hole. Then I felt it in my throat - I knew it was coming. The tears started to well in my eyes. I told myself to stop and just make an excuse and run. But it was too late. The crying started. I sat there apologizing for crying. I just kept thinking how dare this GM ask my director to come tell me this. The director said that he was suprised to hear this and did not know what to do but he had to tell me. He said the GM is *old school* and very conservative. From my impression he is just a big political blowhart that likes to hear himself drone on and on in front of an audience. The director said he got a female directors opinion before coming to see me. She said she was very suprised to hear this about me because she had known me for a long time and never thought I dressed inappropriately. Now I am MAD. I have lost sleep over this and awoke at 4:30 this morning and started crying again. The only thing I can think of is that maybe when I sat down my dress showed cleavage. I had a white shrug sweater on the whole day- I never took it off because the dress is sleeveless and I do not like my arms.

I kept thinking that not only was it not good enough that I am saving their ass by accepting this promotion and will be able to deliver a lot to their function but they were attacking me on a personal level. It opened up unhealed scabs and wounds of being criticized my whole life for being fat, for not being good enough. It was taken as an attack on my personal being. The emotions it awoke in me are just something I cannot deal with on a rational level. For so long, I did not look *sylish* at work. I always wore plus-sized clothing that was too big and now, jsut when I am feeling better about myself I have some old geizer attacking my appearance. I caught him looking at me during the meeting and he gives me the serious hebejeebeez. I hate him that he asked the director to come tell me. I said * why did he not just tell me this himself*. And I was told * oh no - he would never do that. He respects the hierarchy* Asshole. What do I do with the new dresses I have bought. They are not inappropriate - I am not an idiot. I know what wardrobe protocol is.

This whole incident has made me feel dirty, sleazy and embarassed. What a good way to get off on good terms with my director- standing there crying like a bumbling fool in his office.

I no longer want to apologize for how I look. I have felt ashamed for too long. I want to be respected but it seems like my dresscode according to this GM will not get me his respect or according to him anyone elses respect.

I am rambling. I am still embarassed and hurting over this. I stayed strong on protocol until about 11 pm last night promising myself that I would not turn to food. But at 11 pm I broke down and ate what I shouldnt - I will pay for the scale gain tomorrow. Damn him for this situation. Thanks for reading and letting me vent.

Tuesday, July 20, 2010

VLCD 5 ( R2 P2 ): 199.9

OMG - I had two soft drinks yesterday that were poured by someone else. I drank diet pepsi all through R1 P2 and it worked out okay for me. However....yesterday afternoon when I was at my mom's house watching the kids swim in her pool, my sister offered me a drink. I asked for Diet Pepsi with ice in a glass and only later found out when I saw the cans inside on the counter that it was *regular* pepsi. I almost flipped out and the scales reflected the gain this morning because yesterday I was at 197.6. Lesson learned. Anything I drink from now on will be verified by me first.

Sunday, July 18, 2010

VLCD 3 (R2 P2 ) 199.8

After two days of loading I went up to 207.4. OMG - I felt disgusted with myself. Now I am glad to report that there is a one in front of my weight again instead of a 2. I was only going to do two days of loading but on Wednesday evening I decided WTH because I had to go to dinner for a special occassion so I started VLCD 1 on Thursday instead.

I bought a new netbook computer yesterday because our desktop has recurring viruses and is not kind of caput. It is being repaired. With this netbook I feel like I am typing in a fishbowl - it is going to take some getting used to. I cannot type apostrophes or quotations or they show up as French accents. The keyboard is set to French Canadian language and I have to figure out how to change it. This is my second go at typing this post as I have already somehow deleted it the first time by mistake.

I received a Versatile Blogger award from Bunpoh @ The Angry Inch: A Weight Loss Odyssey. I am so honoured. The award comes with some guidelines.
1. Thank the person that gave you the award - Thank you, Bunpoh!
2. Share 7 things about yourself.
3. Nominate 15 blogs that you have discovered recently- okay I cheated abit with this one because some of my 15 I have been reading for quite some time now.
4. Let the bloggers know that you have nominated them.

So here goes - 7 things:

1. I am Canadian - probably should be more of a proud Canadian but there are a lot of things that Canada could do better - we are seriously overtaxed to the hilt but I am grateful for universal healthcare and our gun laws.

2. I have three beautiful daughters - ages 2, 7 and almost 11.

3. I have been overweight ever since I can remember- since age 7 I think. I think the last time I ever saw under 200 pounds was when I was 17 and it wasn't much under. (I just figured out how to use apostrophes on this keyboard I think - yahoo)

4. My first two children are from a previous relationship of 7 years which ended in disaster and a long drawn out custody battle. He is completely out of the picture now which is a good thing. I am married to my husband who is the father of my youngest child and to my seven year old, he is her father. She doesn't know differently and I really don't know how I will deal with telling her if she does question it some day. My oldest daughter calls him by his first name and not dad. Too wierd - I know. We were married in Vegas which was very cool. We have a very rocky relationship but we're working on it. I've come to the realization that I have way more issues to deal with than I thought and losing this weight has brought a lot of them to the forefront and I am seriously working at them.

5. I smoke a pack of cigarettes a day - very very bad. I must think about quitting but not just yet.

6. I have a ton more aquaintances than actual friends. I think I may only have one good friend but I keep her at a distance and we see each other maybe once a month. I use the excuse that I don't have the time but this problem with friendships dates way back.

7. I just finished my first year law school and work full-time. Sometimes I think I am crazy but this is a goal that I wanted to start when I was 23 and I should have done it then but better later than never. I have alway been labelled a *gifted* learner so thank goodness studying comes easy for me.

Here are the blogs that I am passing the *Versatile Blogger Award * on to. I've tried to place them in alphabetical order because I enjoy reading all of them. The support and the encouragement that I have found on line through reading all of these wonderful blogs has been immeasurable in helping me so far. It`s just incredible the great people that are out there that although we are all *virtual* strangers we can connect and support each other.

A Day in the life of an HCG Dieter http://dayinlifehcg.blogspot.com/
Autumn’s Rosier Days http://autumnrose323.blogspot.com/
Fat to Fit Mommy http://www.fat2fitmommy.com/
HeyYou, Drop the Fork and Step Away from the Plate http://putthedamnforkdown.blogspot.com/
HCG Willpower http://hcgwillpower.blogspot.com/
HCG&Me on the Road to Find Out http://hcgandmeontheroadtofindout.blogspot.com/
Just me and My HCG http://maggie73.blogspot.com/
Journey to Me Via HCG http://journeytomeviahcg.blogspot.com/
Kathlean Again http://kathleanagain.blogspot.com/
Kym's Journey to Fit and Forty http://kymsjourney2.blogspot.com/
Mommy Gone Milf Via HCG http://mommygonemilf.blogspot.com/
Miss Mary's This and That http://missmarysravesandrants.blogspot.com/
Let it Be: A Smaller me http://darby-letitbeasmallerme.blogspot.com/
One Day at a Time http://kateonedayatatime.blogspot.com/
Random Thoughts and HCG http://therealhcg.blogspot.com/
Saving Me with HCG http://savingmewithhcg.blogspot.com/
Sie hat eimen Knutschfleck http://knutschfleck.blogspot.com/
Starting Life 25 Years Late http://startinglife25yearslate.blogspot.com/
The Real HCG Journey http://therealhcg.blogspot.com/

I am really not very technically literate so once I find out how to insert a hyperlink, I'll fix the links.

Sending good loss or stabilizing vibes to everyone.

Tuesday, July 13, 2010

All the injections are mixed - should I still call this R2?

Hello ladies and gentlemen. All the injections are mixed - 40 in total. The brand is Ovidac. For now they're sitting in an empty covered margarine container in the fridge but I think I'll freeze 20 of them. I've never frozen before but I've heard positive things about it.

I've had two days of loading. Not sure if I ate enough because I don't have that "ready to puke" feeling but I sure did eat a lot today. I am scared to get on the scale. But I will tomorrow morning and I'm hoping it's not too much damage.

I've had two failed attempts at semi-rounds of R2P2 ( which I'm pretty sure I can attribute to the hcg spray I bought off Ebay). But even so I think I will still call this round R2 again. I am determined to get as far away from 200 as possible this time. It's not good for the psyche when you rotate between the low to mid 190's and the low 200's.

Things are still kind of in transition between the old job and the new job and they will be for quite some time because I haven't reached the comfort level that I want to be at yet and things with Mr. K are not the greatest and require A LOT of energy and I am starting to feel out of control in a lot of areas again. I will have to maintain a super level of focus while studying for this upcoming bar exam and I don't want to gain any more weight while doing that. I really like the level of focus and determination that being on the protocol gave me. Being very strict with eating transfers over to getting other areas of my life organized and more focused. So here's to a successful R2P2!

Sending good loss and/or stabilization vibes to everyone...

Wednesday, July 7, 2010

Not too sure what day it should be !

I'm hovering anywhere between 198 and 202. I didn't post today's weight because the last time I weighed was Saturday and I was 199.
The package containing my injections arrived this week. It made it over the border past the customs militants in record time. It's Ovidac brand. Not sure what I used the first round as this protocol was all new to me then and I didn't realize that there are different brands. If anyone has any ratings (postive or negative) about Ovidac, I'd love to hear them. But I do know that I definitely prefer the injections. The spray really wasn't the best quality and I was super hungry for the last part of when I was taking it. I think the guy I bought it from cooked it up on a homemade chemistry set in his basement.

It's been a crazy time since I last posted. We went on a mini vacation to Canada's Wonderland (June 30 - July 2) and the girls loved it. It was TONS of walking because the amusement park was huge. They're trying to copy Disney in every way and they're doing a great job of it. The only thing is that the food on site was soooo expensive. For example a slice of pizza was $12. The second day we went off site to eat when I realized that the day parking pass included "in/out" privileges.

I started my new job officially June 30th even though I was off that day. It's been stressful as I'm still in the transition between old job and new job and still sitting in the same place on the same floor - jsut making more money and reporting to a new director. I really like my new director so far but it's a lot of change to take in and they have a lot of expectations for this role and I just hope I can live up to it.

My in-laws are coming to visit for a few days starting tomorrow and one of my bathrooms is still all torn up with the door locked because we can't afford to finish the reno right now. I also have to decide if I will fly to San Fran in late October to write the 1st year law school bar exam. The registration fee is $650 plus another $800 for my flight and hotel. I have until July 31 to register and make the decision if I will have enough time to study and be sure that I will pass because I don't want to go through all the effort and money if I don't pass. I passed the first year of law school. Not sure how I did it with all the stress and three screaming but beautiful kids and losing weight but I think being on the protocol and being in that strict mindset really helped with the focusing on the study. So I'm quite proud of the achievement. Three more years to go.

I enjoy reading all of your blogs and the community of support. So keep up the great work ladies/gentlement (well mostly ladies!) and I'm sending you all good vibes for loss or stabilitzation!

So...it's not the best time to be on protocol P2 right now and be able to dedicate the energy and mental state that it requires to be dedicated and strict. TOM is due any time now so I will decide if I will start P2 after that.

Friday, June 25, 2010

VLCD 24 ( R2 P2 ) 195.6

I would recommend to the entire HCG community NOT to order HCG spray. I really don't know what's in it but it's not working for me. Some days I'm fine and then other days by the evening I'm absolutely RAVENOUS. I haven't lost any more weight and I'm tired and frustrated and I think it's time to call it quits for R2P2. I will try to do my three days of no hcg spray and then get on P3. I'm taking the kids on a mini vacation on Tuesday. W e will stay for Canada Day (July 1) and then maybe a few more days at a hotel. I got my tax refund back so we have a bit of *mad* money to play with.

I ordered a new batch of HCG injections and am waiting for them to arrive. I am really hoping the package makes it through customs.

Father's day was last Sunday and for some reason it really affected me this year whereas other years I kind of just put it out of my mind. My father is living and lives close to me so is still in my life but I never had in the past as a child or currently as an adult a relationship with my father. He was always *jsut there* but I was never close to him. We never talked, we always disagreed and being the oldest of five children I had a lot of resentment towards him. He was mean, volatile and just a miserable person in general. As a grandfather he is much better with my children than he was with us kids as a father. But for some reason it still lingers and stings and Sunday I took it hard. Maybe part of it was hormonal but I long for the *what if's* and what it *could* have been like and what I missed out on by not having a good father-daughter relationship. I didn't cheat on protocol that day but it set the tone for the rest of the week.

On a more positive note, I finally signed my letter for my new position and work and the director gave me a 12% increase. I'm going way out of my comfort zone with this new job and the anticipation of change and the fear of not measuring up to the expectations that they have for me in this new role is causing me to internalize some stress. Plus being *really* hungry every night doesn't help. I've been having a handful of potato chips or some extra protein or an extra fruit and it's stalled the weight loss. Plus the sunburn I had and all the lotion I slathered on also caused a bit of a gain but definitely stalled any loss.

So, I'll be on P3 for a while I think. Or unless I take an interruption and get right back on P2 when my new shipment of injections arrrive. We'll see. But I definitley don't want to gain back any of the weight lost in R1 so I'm going to plan accordingly.

Sorry for the long post and congrats if you've made it this far. Just sort of rambling. Have lots of change going on now and am entering some new unchartered territory while at the same time dealing with the past. I still have at *least* 40 pounds to go and will get there. Slowly but surely.

Saturday, June 19, 2010

VLCD 18 ( R2 P2 ) : 193.8

Another 0.6 pound loss - I'll take it.

Spent today at the waterslide park again - I'm so glad I bought the season pass. The girls love it there. I pack them a cooler and a ton of water for me. I brought them subway today so there was no extra food for me to be tempted by. It was great exercise walking up the steep hills but I can really feel my muscles are weak. I guess that is to be expected as per what it says in the protocol.

I sprayed on a ton of SPF 35 so that I wouldn't get burnt again. I hope that the spray doesn't have an affect on the weight loss. It's going down slowly but surely.

Friday, June 18, 2010

VLCD 17 ( R2 P2 ) : 194.4

Lost o.4 of a pound yesterday. I'll take it - better than a gain.
So the weekend is coming up and it's always hard for me not having the daily work schedule to keep me away from food prep.

What's really keeping me going though is that I don't want to have to recover from a cheat gain.
It would be great if I could get down to 185 this P2 considering that I've botched the first half of this round. I'm thinking of taking the kids to Canada's Wonderland on June 27 so I'd like to be on P3 by then or the day after. That's only 9 more days so I don't think the 185 is reachable. But, maybe I'll change my mind and try to stay on P2 while on vacation but that might not be a good idea. We'll see.

Cheating and going off protocol is just not worth it for me. But getting back on track is the main thing in the long run. Sending good loss or stabilizing vibes to everyone this weekend.

Thursday, June 17, 2010

VLCD 16 ( R2 P2 ) : 194.8

Lost another pound - it's good to see the numbers finally starting to go down again.

It's national Aboriginal Day today and they had live bands and a bbq lunch outside. I bought an Elk sausage, split it in half, removed the bun and had tomato and onions on the side. That was the best selection I had to choose from. I think it will be okay.

I'm trying my best to get the water in - as many ounces as I can. But I seriously think I'm going to start to float.

Wednesday, June 16, 2010

VLCD 15 (2nd post today)

No weigh-in until tomorrow morning but I just had to share with you guys that ..... I GOT THE JOB!!

I was in shock today when my soon-to-be new director told me. He came by and I was on the phone so I called him up after and said that I had seen him come by and asked what I could do for him. He said to come down to his office and that's when he told me. I think I'm happy but really not too sure. A promotion is what I've been working for all these years but I really think the extra weight really affected my self perception and my confidence and also how I came across to other people. I know I'm by no means "thin" or "skinny" yet but 195 looks good on me and I think losing this 35 pounds so far has made a huge difference in a lot of areas of my life. I've mastered getting under 200 which has been an unreachable goal for so long.

It's funny that I haven't been feeling well the past few days with the sunburn and all and on the day of the interview I had to rush to the washroom and almost didn't make it just 10 minutes before the interview. I kept thinking that I would be late showing up and the interview panel woudl be sitting there waiting for me and I would be stuck in the washroom. Oh well. It went great beyond my expectations anyways. The director told me today that he was so extremely impressed with me that he doesn't think he could have done any better himself. My confidence level has gone so upwards because of this. Although it won't be a big salary increase what it does do is put me into the next salary bracket where the maximum is 25K higher than the bracket I'm in now. It will be a while but I can only go up in salary from here.

At the same time, even though my confidence has gone up that they *picked* me, I'm still scared to death of the change and what it entails. I am a good worker but I'm not sure of this new director and his style. I've always had a great working relationship that isn't militaristic or hierarchical with any other manager I've had. But with this person, I'm not too sure. He seems a little "old school" but I figure I need to take this leap. It's not my *dream* job but I'm sure it will open new doors for new opportunites.

Sorry to blabber on about this. I'm just so happy. And I think this weight loss journey has played a big part in getting to this point. I did everything right in the past in terms of working hard and networking and getting really good reviews but I really think I was lacking the confidence to get noticed for a promotion. The weight loss so far has put a lot more things into perspective for me.

Thanks ladies for all your support. It means so so much to me. I'm sending good loss or stabilitzing vibes to everyone.

VLCD 15 ( R2 P2 ) : 195.9

Still dealing with the bad sunburn. It's no joke that when I touch my skin it still feels hot. It's extremely uncomfortable but I'm dealing with it. The sunburn has stalled the weight loss a bit I think. It's either that or the massive amount of afterburn cream I slathered onto my arms and shoulders. I'm staying on protocol strictly but I'm sooooo tired in the mornings and bitchy when I come home in the evening because I'm so tired. I think I'll start taking the B12 tablets again.

I went for another job interview yesterday which woudl mean a promotion. I'm not sure if I even will like the job (it's similar to what I'm doing now). However, it will mean going up into the next salary bracket and I guess in order to get there I may need to take a leap and see where it brings me.

I am terribly afraid of change. I'd rather be miserable in familiar territory than to leave behind what I know. It's not in all cases but particularly true in my work life. I'll find out tomorrow if I get the job or not. We'll see. I wanted the previous job that I had applied for more than this one but I'm a huge believer in you'll end up where you're meant to be in that particular time and place.

I feel skinny today. I know at 195 pounds it's not but I think I look good. It's weird how depending upon what you wear some days you just feel thinner. I had my photo taken for my season pass card at the water park this past Sunday and I didn't recognize myself when I looked at the pic. No more chinnage action going on and my face looks quite slim. That's a good feeling. Now if I could just lose the stomach.

Monday, June 14, 2010

VLCD 13 ( R2 P2 ): 197.4

Thank you all you fine ladies for the words of encouragement. It means a lot to have you guys rooting for me.

I am proud to say that I stayed on protocol strictly all day yesterday and drank a TON of water. Had lots of fun- the only issue was having to go pee every half hour. I put on my bathing suit ( a tankini) and got a major sunburn all down my arms and top of my back. Dealing with the pain today and put on some afterburn lotion this morning. Then I freaked out because I didn't look at the ingredients of the lotion. Oh well - time will tell on that one.

It was amazing what a difference a loss of 35 pounds makes when rolling or carrying inner tubes up ski hills to get to the top of the mountains. My 2-year old is 33 pounds and I kept thinking that having that extra 34 pounds on me is like picking up my 2 year old and carrying her all the way up the hill with me. I fully participated yesterday whereas before I would always stay in the kiddy section and watch the youngest child. Yesterday I went on all the slides with my older 2 girls and had a blast without feeling self conscious. There is a sign there saying the maximum capacity per innertube is 250 pounds. I was able to fit myself and one of my daughters on one tube without having to worry. If I lost 45 more pounds then all three of us could go together.

My lunch today was chicken breast, tomatos and red onion. My snack was 2 breadsticks and this afternoon i will have an apple. Plus more water.

Sunday, June 13, 2010

VLDC 12 ( R2 P2 ) : 197.4

Okay - I'm STRUGGLING - big time. I am having a really hard time sticking to the protocol. I cheated on Thursday night and Friday night when we went to the kids' fun fairs (each girl had one each on Thurs and Fri). So all day Thurs I was on protocol strict with lots of water and then we we got to the fun fair I had a hamburger with just one side of the bun. I was so hungry I got another one and did the same thing. My daughter won a cake in the cake walk and the icing was just calling my name. I ended up licking the icing off the reaming pieces of the cake. Very bad eating impulses - I know. So then Friday I was back on plan all day and at the fun fair that night they had a bake sale table. I was good for a while then I bought four cookies and ate them. Then I had a chicken burger. So Saturday I woke up to a 3.8 pound gain.

Yesterday (Saturday) I got back on track and had a 2.5 pound loss. The whole problem on Thurs and Fri is that I didn't plan and bring my dinner with me. I thought I could wait until after but the hunger and temptation won out.

Today we're going to the water park all day with a cooler. I am packing my lunch and will drink a gazillion bottles of water before I eat any of the chips or cheesies I packed with the childrens; picnic. Putting my bathing suit on today will be a reality/wake-up call that I need to get real about getting the rest of this weight off. Yesterday was nice because I drank so much water and ate strictly on protocol that I wasn't even hungry - I felt so full it was actually hard to eat all of my sald at dinner.

Thursday, June 10, 2010

VLCD 9 ( R2 P2 ): 195.9

Why isn't the weight coming off faster???

Since VLCD number 1 of this round I have lost 7.3 pounds. (started at 203.2) I know that it's 7.3 pounds in 8 days. BUT .......I've only lost 1.1 pounds since from day 5 to day 9 (this morning).

I'm trying to keep the faith. Maybe it's the spray is not working as well for me as the injections. I think I'll increase the number of times I spray per day. The bottle says to do 7 sprays three X per day. But most days I just do it 2x.

When I see the poundage going down it's so much easier to just stay strict but when it's only been one pound in 4 days that sucks and the frustration starts to creep in.

It's day 2 of TOM and I have never really had any physical symptoms in the past just the emotional/hormonal moodswings and bad ones. But at the beginning of this week I had terrible painful cramping that actually caused me to stop and sit and take a time out while grocery shopping. Yesterday I had a migraine and today it's still here.

It's wierd because in R1 I would have been estatic to see 195 on the scales. But now that I've gotten down into new territory, it seems such a high number. I am going to stick it out and charge through today and tomorrow. I made a ground chicken burger for lunch with onions and I'm excited to eat it. All good things come in time - patience, patience I keep telling myself!!

Sunday, June 6, 2010

VLCD 5 ( R2 P2 ) : 197.0

Still drinking * a lot* of water. I think I'm going to float away.

Strange observation: I think my foot has shrunk a size. Is that possible? All my shoes that don't have a strap are too big now. I almost broke my leg when I was walking and my foot slipped out of my shoe. I went to the mall last night with the baby (not a wise decision) but anyways saw a pair of leopard print high heels on sale for a ridiculously low price. I was dissapointed when I saw they only had a size 9 because I've always been a size 10. Well I tried them on and they fit. I tried on a 10 in few more pairs and they were way too big. But if they were high heel sandals with an adjustable strap then they fit. So I bought the leopard heels as a present from me to me. I'm so fascinated with shoes lately. I never used to pay too much attention to my footwear before but now I have a thing with buying sexy looking shoes. Something about having on a pair of shiny heels that makes me feel so good. I think it's because I'm wearing skirts and dresses more whereas before I would NEVER wear them on a regular basis.

Hope everyone is having a good weekend. Sending good loss or stabilization vibes to you guys.

Saturday, June 5, 2010

VLCD 4 ( R2 P2 ) : 197.7

Finally - it's my first pound lost in a new round. I feel good and no real hunger. The cravings are still there but manageable. I feel at such a better place emotionally. The issues are still there and I am working on fixing them. One step at a time. Hormones affect my mood and outlook drastically.

I don't know what phase the moon is in but yesterday I had two requests for interviews. The director that reposted the position because he wanted to find a Spanish speaking person came to see me yesterday and said I'm screened in and won't have to do another interview this round. I don't get it but I think he's keeping me on the back burner just in case he doesn't find *that* person. It's time for a change in my work life and there are a couple of irons in the fire but for now I'm blooming where I'm planted.

Friday, June 4, 2010

VLCD 3 ( R2 P 2) : 199.5

Back to onederland again. I have been drinking *alot* of water.

I had a conversation yesterday with someone about hcg spray. She said it is most likely giving me a placebo effect and that I should go back on injections. I did prefer injections but living in Canada, it's extremely hard to receive your package without it being confiscated or returned by customs.

I ordered the spray off ebay back in January. The person I spoke with yesterday said that I have no guarantee of what's in the spray bottle. I don't know. I feel the same as I did on R1 when I used injections. I'm a little less hungry this round but the cravings are worse. So I don't know. The ebay seller has a 100% satisfaction rating but maybe that's just for shipping and receipt satisfaction and not for satisfaction with the actual product. Maybe people who ordered the spray and started the protocol think they just quit the diet and not because of the quality of the spray.

I should not have had that conversation because now I'm wondering if it really is just a placebo effect with the spray this round. But I don't think I woudl be able to function on just 500 calories if the spray did not have the essence of hcg in it.

Anyways, I'm happy with my progress and will keep on truckin'.

Thursday, June 3, 2010

VLCD 2 ( R2 P2 ): 200.7

Hi everyone. I've got my mojo back. It was last Thursday that I got off protocol with that damned pizza but today it's chicken breast and vegetables for lunch. Thanks everyone for your supportive comments.

I'd like to leave a comment for Zak at http://putthedamnforkdown.blogspot.com/?zx=4cf787c36f70f051 . If you happen to read this Zak - your comments aren't turned on.

Starting Over - VLCD 1 ( R2 P2 ) : 203.2

Back on the HCG train. Using hcg spray. Chicken and veggies for lunch and the same for dinner. Had 4 protocol approved breadsticks together as a snack. It didn't seem to do any damage on the scale.

Saturday, May 29, 2010

What should be Day 11 VLCD R2 P2 (202.4)

I have lost my mojo, fallen off the wagon , whatever you want to call it. I'm at 202.4. What I have determined is that midcycle is very diffiucult for me emotionally. The hormones are flying and if things aren't going well, then I turn to food.

I found out Wednesday that I didn't get the job I was so sure that I was going to. I was definitely in the running but the director told me that he's reposting the job because he thinks that he needs someone that speaks either Spanish or Arabic in order to secure more bilateral agreements with SouthAmerican or Middle Eastern countries. WTF??? Speaking English, French and having education and loads of experience isn't good enough. I was sick of the "climbing the corporate ladder" bullshit and I said screw this. I'll stay in the department I'm in and refocus. The new job would have entailed travelling which would have been nice but realistically it might not be that practicial right now. The next day (Thursday) I had a major binge. It started with buying two pieces of pizza at lunch. Then I had a chocolate bar and a donut. Then for dinner I went to McDonald;s, then had two icecreams and finished that off with a bag of easter candy I found that I had forgotten I bought. I am so ashamed - it must be about 5000 calories (or more??) that I ate that day. It's this type of behaviour that got me fat in the first place. Don't want to depress everyone - I just want to be accountable because that's part of this whole journey.

Today I am going to eat reasonably but off protocol and get prepared to start P2 again. I am going to cut all my vegetables and cook my chicken and shrimp. That's what I did not do this time - I didn't put the preparation in. I have to realize what's important here and that's getting the rest of this weight off. I seem to "carry" weight well as it is evenly proportioned and most people woulf not guess right now that I am not over 200. Well I am and I can see it especially without clothes. My own husband doesn't even know what I weigh - I've always been too ashamed to tell him. He says to me "...well now that you weigh about 180 you can't give up. You have to keep going." He has no clue. I got too caught up in the "well I've lost 32.5" pounds and am getting compliments so this round will be easier. Well it isn't. I am using the spray this time instead of the injections. I have definitely noticed that using the spray I am not hungry when I am strictly on protocol. Whereas with the injections I was madly hungry the first week of P2. With the spray there is no hunger but the cravings are wild and maddening.

My pity party is over. I need to deal with the life setbacks in a much different way. I turned to what I know best and a lot of it is hormonally charged.

Wednesday, May 26, 2010

VLCD 8 ( R2 P2 ) : 199.7

Back to the land of 100. Have only lost 1 pound since Sunday morning but I attribute it to not drinking enough water. I also had a lean ground beef bbq hamburger on Sunday that I did not weigh- I'm sure it was over 100 grams so that could have caused issues.

It's so hot here with the humidity. It's record breaking temperatures this week. I need new clothes but don't have the money to buy a bunch right now. I'm trying to make do with what I have but I don't have as many "hot weather" clothes to make do with. I want to lose more weight before I buy a few more new things. My upper arms are still not "tank top friendly" so I have to up the strength training.

According to BMI calculations my ideal weight should be 145 pounds for my height of 5'4. I'm trying to visualize what I will look like at 145. I don't fully picture it yet.

Sunday, May 23, 2010

VKCD 5 ( R2 P2 ) : 200.9

Stats: VLCD 4 : 201.8, VLCD 5: 200.9

Staying strong so far this weekend. Still not back to R1 LIW of 198.6 but will be there soon. I've learned that the loading does not have to be so excessive and I shouldn't treat it as a
free-for-all. Next round I will plan the indulgences more carefully.

It's a long weekend - took the girls mini-golfing yesterday, groomed the dog myself (with Mr. K's head shaver!!) and mowed the back lawn. Today we are going to start scraping and painting the fence this morning and then I will take the girls swimming or to a movie.

Keeping myself busy really helps with not being focused on food or what everyone else is eating and staying strong on protocol.

Friday, May 21, 2010

VLCD 3 ( R2 P2) : 203.7

Kind of hungry right now. I'm still assessing if the drops seem as effective as the injections. But I do remember from R1 that on VLCD3 I was very hungry too. I'm going to have my lunch soon.

It's the Canadian Victoria Day long weekend coming up so today at work there are a lot of people off. It's quiet and I'l leave early today which is nice. I don't know if there is an American equivalent of a May holiday but I'm looking foward to having Monday off and an extra-long weekend with beautiful high temperatures.

I'm organized this year and bought a season pass to the water-slide park this year. The girls are looking forward to it.

I want to stay strong this weekend and stay completely on protocol. Have a great weekend everyone!

Thursday, May 20, 2010

VLCD 2 (R 2 P2 ): 204.6

Just a quick update. Decent loss but it's so wierd - I forgot last night while I was watching American Idol that I was not loading anymore! There was a bowl of chips left on the sidetable that Mr. K had been eating and left there. Before I knew it I was eating some and though oh shit - I'm not loading anymore!! But yesterday was all clean except for the chips and today is completely clean eating.

Still getting used to the drops. I must say I like the injections more for the ease of use.

Mr. K and I had a couples counselling session at the brain rehab centre today at noon. I was going to try some of the strategies they gave us for communicating and then when he came to pick me up (he parked the car) he came back with a $60 parking ticket. He said he coudl save us $10 by parking on a side road instead of in the paid parking lot. So I was soooooooo pissed off and that ended working on the strategies right then and there. Then I came back to work and someone had left a piece of cake on my desk!?!? I missed the bday celebration at lunch so someone *kindly* thought that I woudl want the cake. I took it straight away and put it on someone else's desk and didn't think twice. I'm so looking forward to seeing the 180's and cake will not stop me!!!! Seize the power lol.

Wednesday, May 19, 2010

VLCD 1 ( R2 P2 ) 206.3

3 days of loading and having a "free for all" with sugar and carbs really did a number on the scale but I did thoroughly enjoy it. That's 7.7 above my LIW on Round 1. The sugar is still in my system and it's going to be a trip coming out of the sugar fog. Today at work there is a cupcake sale and everyother day it's someone's birthday and the director buys a cake. There's another birthday tomorrow. When you stand there and don't eat cake, everyone tries to offer you a piece. It reminds me of that Seinfeld episode where Elaine rages about cake days.

I'm taking the HCG drops and don't really know how often I should take them and when. The bottle says 7 drops 3x or more times per day. The first three days of VLCD are brutal but I don't want to be spraying whenever I feel hungry and use up the entire bottle in a week.

Here's to a successful P2 and to get further away from 200 with more of a cushion this time. My last LIW was 198.6. When on P3 and P4, going up and down and back and forth between the 200 number was not good psychologically. I know it's just a number but there is such an emotional connotation to being under 200. It's like the magic *transition* number. The plan is to stay strong and keep working to see a number in the 180's.

I'm wearing a very cute sundress and heels today which I would not have had the confidence to wear before. I still feel self-conscious because I see the old *me* when I look in the mirror. It's funny that no matter what weight I am, the self-doubt and embarassment still lingers. But I got a really nice compliment this morning so I'm just trying to work it for now.

Monday, May 17, 2010

R2 P2 - Loading Day 2 : 204.5

Decided to get right back on P2 and wow, the weight goes back on *real* quick when loading.
I'm taking the drops this time and don't know if I'm doing it right. The bottle says "seven drops three times a day under the tongue". It's akward to spray under your tongue and then I'm left with a little *puddle" of liquid just sitting there. I don't know if I'm supposed to swallow it or how long I'm supposed to just sit there and try to let it absorb. The injections were so much easier even though the mixing part was a pain.

I had my house appraised Saturday. It was good news - almost $65-$95K in less than three years. Was depressed after because she said I have *a lot* of work to do. Mostly cosmetic but still a lot. I felt *so* judged. I won't go with her when I sell. She was just too snooty for my liking. I notice little things like her just dropping her set of keys on my dining room table and then bouncing them around again when she was shifting her paperwork around. That's a no-no in my books. So disrespectful. She said my house has to be absolutley spotless if I sell and sorry but I work all day plus am in the middle of a law degree - when the hell will I have time to scrub my baseboards and scrape my window-sills and paint them???? I realize all of this is true and it has to be spotless to sell well but I want to pick someone that I approve of to sell my house and not just be greatful that she pulls up in her mercedes convertible and gives me attitude because I'm getting a *free* evaluation. I was upfront with her from the getgo about not being sure if I wanted to sell or not. Oh well - enough about her.

Have to figure out what to eat for lunch. Getting geared up to start VLCD 1 tomorrow or Wednesday. It all depends if I go to the grocery store this evening or tomorrow evening. Soccer season begins tonight for my kids so that's something else to add to the list. Plus have to get cracking on my baseboards and windowsills.

Sunday, May 9, 2010

Day 6 ( R1 P4 ) : 201.4

That's 2.8 pounds above LIW. I seem to be stabilizing at or about 200-201. It's strange because some days I'll go down to 199 and then the next day back up to 201.

I'm seriously considering starting R2 P2 with the drops instead of injections very soon. Have to do some gearing up for it and then want to go full speed ahead. We went to a brunch buffet this morning and it would have been a perfect situation for a loading day. But I'm still on P4 so no such luck.

Haven't posted lately because I've been on a real serious pity party as of late and don't want to be a "debbie downer".

Things are getting better - well not really but it's my attitude that's getting better. All of this crap is within my ability to change and fix and it's just one step at a time. Once I have the house appraised this Saturday, it will give me a better indication of what I should do.

I went for a job interview Thursday - it would be a promotion if I get it. I'm keeping my fingers crossed. There have been so many of my colleagues laid off over the last year that I wonder if it's secure to stay with the company I'm with but a promotion in a different department might make sense. I definitely have a fear of change and moving out of a comfort zone even if it's not that comfortable but just familiar. Maybe I'll have good news soon.

Sunday, May 2, 2010

Day 19 ( R1 P3 ) : 199.9

Nice to see the drop. You're all correct about the effect seeing the bounce between 198-199-200-201 has on the psyche. I think maybe I will go the full P4 just so it wont' be as hard and then gear up for a strong R2P2.

I took the three girls to an old fashioned pizza joint last night - their choice and then to bowling at the alley next to the restaurant. It was glow-in-the-dark bowling and they had a blast. I had my hands full with a two year old as her attention span only lasts for two games and not the whole 10. I was very impressed with how well behaved she was at the restuautant - only one spilled drink. But she was hungry so I think that's why she was more focused.

My husband and I are still not speaking. It's hard - I'm disappointed that he's not trying harder. He's still working nights for 3-4 hrs but he's staying home all day and watching naked girls with huge hooters on the computer and the baby is in daycare. He has a masters degree in public admin and should have no problem getting steady work so there are no excuses. I could have really used his help last night with taking the girls out but it's just not worth the hassle of the possible arguing and fighting in public or in front of the girls. It's come to a point where I have to make a decision of what I want here. It's really come to the forefront for me that I want more than this from a relationship. Maybe it's the finances that have taken such a huge toll over the past two years but he also suffered from a traumatic brain injury back in 1996 from a car accident that has left him with for lack of a better way to put it - a deficient social filter. He is very regimented and his way is the right way. He very much models his parent's relationship - very tumultous but they have been together 42 year with tons of fighting and unhappiness unitl now they are a place of mutual acceptance. I don't want to wait 42 years to reach a place where you realize your marriage has taken that long to grow to a place where you realize you're not right for each other but you're all each other has so you might as well accept it. We have been together almost 4 years. This is both our first marriage but my first two children are from a previous 7 year relationship that was a complete disaster. Sometimes I wonder what I'm really afraid to admit is that maybe my current marriage is just a rebound from the last relationship and that I moved into things too soon and didn't realize that although someone appears normal that the repercussions of a traumatic brain injury in a person are just too much to handle.

I'm at a point now - sounds weird - that I'm just waking up from a fog and realizing that I have a lot of regrets that I could have made better decisions. I'm getting the house appraised on May 15th just so I know what it's worth and if I sold it how much equity I have to consider maybe moving to a smaller place. So very bizarre to be dealing with but the one thing I'm proud of is that I'm a good mom but I am now putting myself first. The weight loss is so important for me to be a better mother to my girls and I am not dealing with all of these issues by overeating and I am not using food as a distraction. Sorry for the long post and I'm amazed if you're still reading this. Maybe this will help putting these issues out there.

Saturday, May 1, 2010

Day 18 ( R1 P3 ) : 201.0

I decided to join Overeaters Anonymous. I am going to do the tele-call first just to listen and then I will attend the first meeting next week. I am a little unsure of how much of a "religious" stance they have in this group. Each group is different obviously because of the participants. I was raised a practicing Catholic but I don't want the meetings to be religious. I will see what happens and if this is not for me, I will investigate other avenues. I am looking for a venue where I can vent my inner thoughts about how being fat has caused me to not make the best decisions and reasons why I gained weight in the first place.

My last day of P3 will be Tuesday and then I am considering going back to P2 or maybe just continuing on P3 for another week or 2. I have not been able to find a company that will sell HCG injections to Canada anymore. They all say that Customs has really cracked down lately and parcels are being returned to them or confiscated and it's just not worth their hassle anymore. I do have a bottle of HCG drops that I ordered way back when in January and it took more than 8 weeks to arrive. So I think my R2P2 will be with the drops. They have been sitting in a cupboard above my microwave since then so I hope they are still potent. The expiry date is sometime in 2011 or 12.

Everyone seems to be doing great lately and really staying strong on whatever phase of the protocol you are at. Congrats to everyone!

Thursday, April 29, 2010

Day 16 ( R1 P3 ) 200.9

Up a little bit on the scale but not too concerned. I'll see what the scale says tomorrow morning.

Tuesday, April 27, 2010

Day 14 ( R1 P3 ): 199.8

Back down to +1.2 LIW. It's bizarre that after the amount of sugar and starch I ate Saturday that I did not gain any weight from that. But it's not something I want to experiment with further. I did not end up doing a steak day but last night I did have a huge steak for dinner.

I'm okay on P3 because there is such a variety of what I can eat. But I must say that my body did feel better on P2. My stomach did not feel unsettled and I didn't have to run to the bathroom suddenly like I have had to a few times on P3. I'm looking foward to the next round.

I'm finding that there's a lot of emotional bullshit rearing it's ugly head lately. I didn't ask for it but the weight loss seems to be bringing the emotional issues out front and centre. I don't know why and will have to think long and hard about it. Somedays I just feel like bursting out crying for no reason at all. While writing this what popped into my head is that I have missed out on so much and been in so much denial being fat. Obviously, I have some work to do.

Saturday, April 24, 2010

Day 11 ( R1 P 3 ) : 201.3

I hate having to post this number. I thought I was staying on track. I had caesar salad last night (no croutons) but hardly any protein with it. Maybe that's why. I'm 2.5 pounds over LIW and I'll probably see a higher number tomorrow. Sorry for this negative post - just have to vent. I had a shitty day with a capital "S".

I had my daugther's 7th birthday today at a gymnastics club and there was icecream cake. I had a piece and then when I came home had two more pieces of the leftovers. My husband pissed me off so badly and the party was going horribly and I gave in to eating to deal with the stress. For breakfast I had two boiled eggs, 3 pieces of bacon and 2 sausages. At the party I had one hotdog (no bun) and then I gave in to the cake. The party was from 12-2 and at noon my husband said he would go get the ketchup we forgot for the hotdogs I brought to the party and come right back and we would then decide where to order the pizza. He left me alone with a 2 year old and 14 other children and just took off and didn't show up again until 1:30. He brought back one pizza and the lunch started at 1 and he just strolled in with the one pizza at 1:30 like nothing happened. He thought because he had packed and unpacked the car that his work was done and he didn't need to do anything else. I don't know why it pissed me off so badly but I was so angry with him. I think I was already so frustrated with see the 200 number again that I said screw this and just ate the cake. Then this afternoon I had two pieces of bread with peanut butter and sugar free jam. We had a huge fight after the party and then the blame game started and all the stuff about the finances and how I don't know how to use money properly even though I'm the one that has the responsibility of paying the bills and keeping everything a float. I'm so ashamed to say that I threw the left-over hotdogs at him and the baby was asleep in the car while I did this and then he just opened the door and threw everthing out onto the road. So embarassing. So I don't know if it's hormonal or what but I know it is ovulation time so maybe that's it. But I don't know what to do now if I should just do a steak day tomorrow and try to recover from the possible weight gain.

Sorry for this depressing post and thanks for reading this far if you are still reading this. I have to get my moods under control and not let things get me so pissed off. I should have just taken care of ordering everything myself and left him there with the kids.

Wednesday, April 21, 2010

Day 8 ( R1 P3 ) : 199.9

Creeping up a little bit. Think I have to cut back on the cool-whip just in case. I like to have a couple of tbsp with some sugar-free jello and almonds mixed in.

Thanks for the advice on the TV. And you know what - I did deserve it given the hard work I have done staying on protocol for 47 days and losing 32.5 pounds. I got a year-end bonus from work so I felt a bit better about the expense. I paid $350 for a 32 inch LCD TV and then $25 for the environmental fee. With taxes it came to over $400 but I don't regret it. It's not a brand name TV but the picture is amazing. We're watching just the regular satellite channels but I have to investigate getting the HD terminal instead of just the regular digital box. Plus I need to find a higher table to put the TV on just to prevent the baby from getting too close. She's a handful but such a joy at the same time.

I bought two new summer dresses on the weekend. I also bought two short-sleeved sweater shrugs to cover my flabby arms but I must say I do look amazing in them. I brought them into the dressing room thinking that they wouldn't fit because they are just XL and not from a plus size store but they fit! I haven't felt so sexy looking in a long time. It's harder to get dressed in the morning though because I have so many clothes that are either too big or still a little too small from the days when I would buy clothes in smaller sizes because they were on sale and thinking I would get into them *some day*.

The only issue I'm having is feeling soooooo tired. I don't know if I'm having some sort of vitamin deficiency but I'm eating red meat so I don't think it's iron deficiency but I don't know. By 2 pm I feel like I could just pass out and fall asleep.

Monday, April 19, 2010

Day 6 ( R1 P3 ) 198.6

So glad that I am maintaining the loss.

Took today off. My 2-year old is cranky and still sick and slept from 6pm last night till 5 this morning. I didn't go to bed last night until after midnight so I am tired. I took the day off and brought her late to the daycare after the * TV episode * this morning.

Sshe sprayed the TV with the entire contents of the water spray bottle that I use for my hair to keep it curly in between washings. So now the TV is busted. It's a 1993 model so it is technically time for a new one but it worked perfectly. I don't see the sense in buying a new LCD or Plasma TV when the old one was working just fine. What I don't know I'm missing in the high-tech world won't hurt me. So now I have to decide if I take the smaller TV from storage and use that or just break down and buy a new one that we can't really afford to buy.

Arrrrrrrgh....it's days like this that make me stressed but I am not really interested in turning to food so that's a good thing. Before I would think , oh i'm stressed so I have an excuse to pig out.
It feels good to not have to turn to overeating to deal with life. I hope I can make this attitude permanent.

Sunday, April 18, 2010

Day 5 ( R1 P3 ) 199.4

I can't believe my weight is stable considering everything that I'm eating. I'm not measuring anything or counting calories but just going with eating when I feel hungry. Yesterday was a *girl's* day out shopping because I received a year end incentive bonus from work. The kids got new sneakers that I would normally never pay that much for and their hair cut. I bought 2 pairs of shoes.

Here's what I ate yesterday:

Breakfast : 2 scrambled egss ( with 1% milk), 2 pieces of bacon, small amount of ketchup

Lunch: small container of chili from Wendy's takeout. I wasn't too sure about the kidney beans but I figured the scale would let me know. Because I think kidney beans are *legumes* and are not alllowed.

Dinner: took the girls to a gourmet burger restaurant called "The Works". I ordered a bunless burger with onions, cheddar, bacon, avacado and mushrooms. When I asked they told me they don't put breadcrumbs or any bbq sauce on the burgers. They have over 200 varieties of toppings that you can have on a burger. For example, you can get one with brie cheese and a sliced pear. The girls had fries and I had a ceasar salad no croutons.

Late night snack: whipped cool whip topping with cashews.

I don't know if I am doing everything right eating-wise. I am simply trying to follow the protocol of *no sugar, no starch*. I check every morning to see if the weight is +/- 1 LIW. Yesterday it was 198,6 and today it's 199.4. I'm just taking it day by day. If you guys have any suggestions or if I'm not doing this right, let me know. Thanks!

Friday, April 16, 2010

Day 3 ( R1 P3) : 199.7

Staying about 1 pound over. I'm not feeling hungry or really looking for food at all. When it's time to eat, I eat because I'm hungry and not because I'm all excited about the opportunity to eat and wantto inhale everything that I possibly can. This is a huge change for me of eating only when I'm hungry and not overeating and I'm hoping it's not just because it's a good time in the hormonal cycle.

I had at the restaurant for my daughter's b-day I had a bunless burger with all the fixings and a bit of ketchup.
Then I had a 45 calorie no sugar fudgsicle and I wasn't sure what would happen but apparently nothing did. It did have some carb grams in it but definitely no sugar (it had malitol) and no starch that I could see on the ingredients.

This morning I had two homemade egg mcmuffin type sandwiches with bacon, egg, cheese and mayo and of course no bread. It was my turn to host the Fri morning breakfast at work and I made 18 egg patties (basically just scrambled eggs in a sprayed small circular tupperware container. I cut up fruit and cheese and tomatoes and lettuce. By 10:30 I was done and drove all the stuff to work and put it in the fridge and then went to the grocery store to pick up a pumpkin pie. I got home close to midnight and went to bed at about 1 am. So I was going non-stop all that time.

Without me knowing, my mom baked a spice cake with cream cheese frosting, an apple coffee cake and a bananna nut bread and put it in my car early this morning and called to let me know it was there. So there was so much food. I received raving compliments and everyone at work really chowed down and thoroughly enjoyed it. Not having any of the desserts did not bother me at all. I was shocked.

For lunch today I met my husband for a "lunch date" and I had rotisserie chicken and caesar salad. I was so full. Haven't had dinner yet but had a handful of almonds. My stomach is feeling a bit better but I feel "greasy" which is hard to explain but I'm going to take Nikki's advice and go to the pharamacy tonight.

I'm really hoping that this feeling of not really caring about eating and not being obsessed about it is not just a fluke and that I can feel like this for all of P3.

Thursday, April 15, 2010

Day 2 ( R1 P3) : 199.8

Tried to make the Oopsie rolls. Broke my mixer trying to get the egg whites to make stiff peaks.
It's one of those all in one hand mixers. I'm going to buy a hand mixer with beaters and hopefully that will make a difference. I put the runny batter into muffin cups and they came out all right.

My tummy hurts! I haven't really been that hungry but for breakfast this morning I had egg salad and for lunch I had the cheese and toppings off two pieces of pizza that they sell here at work every Thursday. I ditched the crust.

Today is my middle daughter's 7th birthday. She wants to go out for dinner so I think I'll let them order cake at the restaurant. That way I won't be tempted by having to buy a cake and bring it home and cut it.

I'm having a hard time finding HCG injections from buyers who will ship to Canada. Customs seems to be really cracking down as of late. Not sure why or if it's just for HCG that they're getting more agressive in checking but I don't want to order and have to wait 8 weeks wondering if customs will ever release the parcel or if they will just confiscate it and destroy the contents.

Does anyone have any recommendations for low-carb tortillas?

Tuesday, April 13, 2010

VLCD 49: 199.2 ( R 1 P 2) Day 2 no injection

Not sure about the weigh-in this morning. I was very quick and had to rush off to write an exam for 8:30. I took the day off and went to write a "situational judgement" test for a job competition with a government department that I applied for. Left the house at 7 am to catch the bus since there would be very limited parking downtown. My two year old was up all night puking with a fever so it took a toll on me and my sleep. My hubby had to stay home this morning from work and he went in the afternoon. We're both sooooo tired today and it's day 2 of TOM so I'm not feeling the greatest.

I am about to make some "Oopsie" rolls now for tomorrow's lunch. Was out of eggs so just sent my hubby to pick some up.

I am extremely nervous about starting P3. I wish I had just a little more leeway with the +/-2 LIW so that I never see the 200 number again. Doing some research and really trying to plan what I'm going to eat on P3 so that I don't get distracted and off track.

Sunday, April 11, 2010

VLCD 47: 198.6 ( R1 P2)

WOW! 198.6. I have not seen below 200 in at least 17 years. It's funny- when I look in the mirror I still see the same person. I need to change that. I think the vision I had in my head even when I was as big as 269 in the year 2000 was of a much smaller person - the image in my head didn't match reality. I only realized how big I was when I saw a pic of myself and then quickly got rid of the pic or hid it away. Then I just kept on eating and wishing I could be thin.

There's a lot of emotions that come withreaching this new territory. A big fear is not being able to keep the weight off and regaining. I have a LOT of stress in my life - work, finances, marital relationship issues that need to be worked out but it feels like conquering the weight is the best thing that I can do for myself first and then maybe everthing else will get easier from there.

This morning was my last injection. I am thinking of possibly continuing P2 for a bit longer with the homeopathic drops that I ordered back in January that were held up in customs for so long but arrived after I had ordered the injections. It doesn't appear that I have become immune so it's just something that I'm considering. I would like to have a little more of a threshold between the +/- 2 LIW. I don't want to ever see the 200 number again. Will decide soon - I've been reading some blogs where people do continue with the drops but I know my body will soon need a break and a move to P3. I've been looking foward to having cheese for a while now. It's been a long haul but so worth it. Knowing that I only have less than 50 pounds to go is such a good feeling. It's manageable. I don't think I would ever be able to reach less than 150 but 150 at 5'4 is a good ideal weight for me to strive for.

Saturday, April 10, 2010

VLCD 46: 200.9 ( R1 P2 )

The scale freaked me out this morning. When I first stepped on, it said "199.6" I thought WTH??? I was so happy. I pulled my pj's back on and ran downstairs to get my camera because I wanted a pic of my first long-awaited milestone. When I came back up and weighed again, it said 200.9. I never trust the first display the scales gives me. Every morning I check it three times and then move it to another spot and try another two times just to be sure. So it repetitively said "200.9". I'll accept that but am leaving my camera on the counter in the bathroom just so I can be prepared.

I went to a potluck this morning at 11am for my daughter's year-end ringette get-together. I brought a greek salad with chicken ( I bought it from a Greek restaurant) and a plate of bakery bought chocolate chip cookies. I took the cookies out of the container and piled them onto a nice glass bevelled plate so it would look like they were home-made. I wanted to look like I had put some effort in even though the only effort was sending my husband to the bakery counter at the grocery store. I took some salad out of the bowl before we went to the potluck and put it into a small glass tupperware. I wanted to make sure I had something to eat there and didn't want to touch the salad once I put the Greek vinigrette dressing on it just it case it had sugar in it. So I ate that with some Walden Farms dressing and picked at the veggie platter there and had a few spoonfuls of chilli. I think that was a mistake because as we were leaving I had the worst stomach cramps and had to drive over the speed limit just to get home in time to rush to the bathroom. Sorry - TMI. But that concerned me that my body would react that way.

So looking forward to seeing what the scales says tomorrow. My last injection day is tomorrow. 47 days has been a long haul....

Friday, April 9, 2010

VLCD 45: 202 ( R1 P2 )

I'm keepin' on truckin'. I was a little concerned if I would gain anything today because last night we had St. Hubert's take-out rotisserie chicken. (It's a Canadian franchise). I took all the skin off but didn't weight the chicken breast. Then before I knew it I had eaten the coleslaw. I didn't even think about. I looked up the nutritional value on their website and there's very little sugar in it so I think that's why I didn't gain. Unless a gain is waiting to show up tomorrow?? But I'm happy with the 202. Only 3 pounds to go to reach the first milestone.

Just curious if anyone had the post-pregnancy stomach and if it just shrunk and flattened as you lost more weight. I notice that yes, my stomach has definitely reduced but the fat/skin is getting very soft and loose and wrinkly looking. Will this ever go away??

Thursday, April 8, 2010

VLCD 44 : 203.5 ( R1 P2 )

Down one pound. My last injection will be Sunday. I am researching all the awesome P3 recipes that I can try out. I must admit that today is hard. I feel really cold and have the chills. I am hungry. Every Thursday they sell NewYork style pizza downstairs in the rotunda and the smell is amazing. I have to buy my lunch today and the plan is to get an open faced "sandwich" no bread. Just a chicken breast, tomatoes, cucumbers, onions and mustard on the side. It will fill the hunger hole but why do I have to keep thinking about the damned pizza??? I know it's because I'm hungry so I'm gonna have lunch early. Days like this - just shoot me now. I just keep repeating in my head 199, 199, 199 and then on to P3.

Wednesday, April 7, 2010

VLCD 43 : 204.5 ( R1 P2 ) injection

Lost 3.4 pounds yesterday. It wasn't as hard as I thought it would be to get right back on track but going off plan just isn't worth it. I don't have any physical cravings but the mental cravings are hard.

I'm just 2 pounds away from the lowest weight so far. I am going to do the last of the injections until Sunday and maybe I'll reach the under 200 mark.

Tuesday, April 6, 2010

VLCD 42 (R1 P2 ): 207.9 (restarted injections)

I'm calling it Day 42 because Sunday and Monday were a complete bust and were definitely not VLCD. One bite led to another and before I knew it I was saying "WTH - I might as well eat what I want". I paid the price and gained over 6 pounds. I am back on protocol today and took injections Monday and today. I will finish up the rest of them by the end of the week ( I have to count exactly how many are left) and then I'll go from there. The emotions of the past of having to eat to feel good came back and engulfed me.
I could easily have eaten just P3 foods as there was a huge selection to choose from but no, stupid me decided not to. It's a choice. It's a choice to remain strong in your convictions that looking good is better than shoving some short-lived sensations of food into your body. But the choice I made was to be weak and the 6.6 pounds is the price I pay. I am not going to feel like a failure. It was a set-back and today it was easy to get back on protocol and I'm not hungry at all. It's like I did two loading days. I hope to be back where I was by the weekend and then I'll start P3. I'm scared of P3 because P2 is safe. You know exactly what you will eat and that's it, that's all.

Saturday, April 3, 2010

VLCD 41 ( R1 P2 ) Day 3 no injection

Thanks everyone for your comments on how to proceed given that I have about 12 injection needles left. I appreciate all the information.

So today I'm at 201.3. I had to look twice because I confused the 1 for a 7 and said WTH but my eyesight is bad without contacts in!

Tomorrow is the anticipated start of P3. The kids wanted to go the the brunch at a casino resort hotel where they have a brunch n' swim but I forgot to call and reserve. So, I made reservation at a dinner buffet for tomorrow evening at 5. I was lucky to get the reservation - I really need to get more organized. My car is in for the snow tire removal so we are going to walk to the mall. It's about a 3K walk. The weather here is just crazy. We had no snow in March and yesterday and today are 28 degrees celcius plus the humidex. This is record temperatures not ever seen during all the years since the beginning of weather tracking. It's quite possible that it will go back to below zero by next week.

I need to tone up my arms. I can wear much smaller tighter shirts which is nice but I am embarassed of my arms. I have always had a much smaller lower body and I can now fit into size 14 pants but my upper body is a size bigger and I have the arm fat issues. I have push up bars that I may use to try to tone my arms. I don't know if it will do anything or if I have to just wait for the fat to naturally disolve itself. I don't know if it will because the skin is loose. It is a strange place to have so much loose fat.

Well I won't get down about that. I will wear one of those shrug light material sweaters and it will cover it.

Have a great weekend everybody.

Friday, April 2, 2010

VLCD 40 : 202.6 (Day 2 no injection)

I'm struggling today - VERY hungry. I just caved and ate 2 chips. I had 3 sugar-free peeps yesterday (total 60 calories) and I had no fruit servings.

I still have a bunch of injections left and am wondering if I should just finish them. I was looking foward to Sunday because we are going to a brunch buffet and I can eat P3 food but I'm wondering if on Monday I should just go back to P2 for the rest of the injections and then do the three weeks of P3 immediately following that. I don't know what it is - but I feel like I'm going to give in. I don't want to because I like how I look and feel now (except for the hunger today) and I don't want to jeopardize that with a couple of seconds of satisfaction. But boy it's hard. I'm taking it an hour at a time until bed time and will guzzle some more water. I'm 2.4 pounds away from 199.

Tuesday, March 30, 2010

VLCD 37 : 203.9 ( R1 P2 )

My weight has stabilized. I think my body has had enough. Tomorrow is my last injection day and then three days of the VLCD. I'm still drinking as much water as I can.

I'm wondering if you can do Phase 3 and then go back to Phase 2 without doing Phase 4. The protocol says no but I'm wondering if anyone has done it.

Saturday, March 27, 2010

VLCD 34: 203.7 ( R1 P2 )

I'm so happy to see a loss. Thanks everybody for reading and for your comments. You have no idea how much it means when you're feeling ready to just throw in the towel.

I'm struggling a little bit with weekends. Every Friday at work someone is assigned to bring the breakfast. I got there late and when I walked by the table later when everyone was done there were three slices of blackforest ham, some tomatoes and lettue and fruit left. I took it plus strawberries and ate it at my desk. That was 10:30. By 1:00 I was actually hungry again so I went down to the buffeteria and got a grilled chicken sandwich without the bread. I ate it with salt and pepper and mustard and it was delic. I was a bit worried that I would go over 500 for the day but I didn't even with the dinner. It's suprising because with that extra food I lost 1.6 pounds that day. I wonder if some days I'm not getting in the full 500 even though I weight exactly 3.5 ounces meat and 3.5 oz of veggies at lunch and dinner.

This morning after my daughter's hockey game my husband wanted to go for breakfast. I just couldn't think of going with them and having to sit there and be at a restaurant where I am used to eating whatever I want and maybe dessert.

So, I took the two year old home and gave her scrambled eggs and toast and I had a 1 egg/3 egg white omelet with onions. It did the trick. Now I'm cleaning the house and doing laundry while they're out.

I'm still working towards 199 !

Thursday, March 25, 2010

VLCD 32: 205.6 ( R1 P2 )

Very discouraged. I did an apple day two days ago and didn't see a loss. I've only lost 0.3 of a pound. When I re-read the protocol it said an apple day won't work unless it is a true stall of 4 days or more. I'm pissed off at my scale because it shows a lower weight but then when I re-check it seems to stabilize at the same reading after several times of moving it around.

So I'm keeping on truckin'. This evening I went to a retirement get-together at a pub and all the people around me were eating pub food: nachos, chicken fingers, homemade fries, chicken wings....... I just tried to enjoy the conversation and had a diet pepsi. No one mentioned or commented that I wasn't eating anything. I don't even know if they noticed because people were eating at different times (some got there later than others) and the atmosphere was not a sit-down dinner - it was quite casual. I had enough of looking at food and left at about 6:30 (it started at around 5pm). It's so funny that I notice such slim people ordering such fattening food. I can't figure that out.

I was so hungry on drive home I went through the drive-thru and got a McDonald's grilled chicken without the bun and no mayo and no cheese. I blotted the chicken very thoroughly with napkins and put salt and pepper and vingegar on it and it was topped with tomato and lettuce. I sat in the parking log and ate it with a fork and knife. The void was filled quite nicely and I went home and had an apple with a shake of cinnamon on it. I can still have my melba toast tonight if I want it.

My water consumption has been VERY poor. I think that may be the problem. It almost sickens me to drink water. I have to make a schedule of when to drink it throughout the day and stick to it. I feel like I'm failing - I try to be a perfectionist in certain things I do to a fault. There's other things that I just go with the flow and make do with what I can. But with this protocol, I wanted to reach 195. I know 25 pounds is good but I wanted it to be better. I only have 6 injections to go and then 3 days of 500 calorie days with no injections.

I'm going to go drink some water now and see what tomorrow brings. It's been a long week and am just starting to feel a little down. People I haven't seen in a while commented tonight and told me I looked great. Which was nice because 25 pounds off my body does show for sure. My goal is a flat stomach but that is still a long ways off.

Tuesday, March 23, 2010

VLCD 30: 205.9 ( R1 P2 )

No change! And I was so good yesterday. Today I'm doing an apple day. I took out 6 green apples this morning and I have had three at work. I plan to eat one an hour during the rest of this evening. I didn't have any water today just one diet pepsi so far.

It's hard because my mom was here today and made two chicken breast in the oven. They smelled so good. I contemplated just stir-frying some chicken and radishes but thought I already had one apple over the two fruits allowed per day. And, I've already made it this far into the day that I might as well keept it at just a strict *6* apple day.

We'll see what the scale says tomorrow. I'm feeling sooooo tired though. But I just keep thinking I don't have to much longer to go. I'd love to lose another 10 by the end. In actuality, I'd be happy just to be under 200 but 195 would be a safe enough distance from 200 when starting P3.

Monday, March 22, 2010

VLCD 29: 205.9 ( R1 P2 )

I went back to work today after a week off. I bought a shirt on sale last week for 90 percent off.
It is very form fitting and I can really see where I have shrunk on the sides and my stomach is fruther in than my boobs! I haven't told anyone at work about HCG or that I'm on a diet.
I was suprised that alot of people commented and said "You've lost weight!" And these are people that would usually never comment so that's a good sign. I am feeling good and not hungry or having any cravings. In these last 29 days I have discovered that I think the weight gain and bingeing has a lot to do with hormones. I have never tracked TOM before and now I am going to start tracking to see how my moods and cravings are affected monthly.

I forgot to do my shot this morning and yesterday (Sunday) was the *no injection* day but I was suprised that I wasn't hungry. I took a shot at about 6pm after I got home this evening. I know it's supposed to be 24 hrs apart but I took a chance and did it anyways. The time is passing quickly and I am so looking forward to seeing 199. I haven't been there in about 18 years - I don't even remember when. All I remember is 186 .6 when I was 16 and went to investigage a weight loss cline and they weighed me. Something to look foward to.

Sunday, March 21, 2010

VLCD 28 : 206.1 ( R1 P2 )

The past two days I am not feeling hungry and really couldn't care less about eating. I've been eating as per protocol but I didn't have the second apple last night. I think it's hormonal.

We took the kids to the wave pool yesterday and they had a slushy and some fries and it didn't even bother me. I find now I'm really paying attention to what the children eat. They are not overweight and I'd say eat fairly well but in the past there was way too much fast food. I've cut way back on that and limited eating out to just weekends. They don't have weight issues but I want them to be healthy and it's my job to make sure that they have sugar in moderation and I want to do this in a positive way so that they are not even aware that I am doing it. When I was a child I would throw a temper tantrum if I didn't get the junk food/fast food that I asked for. My mother often gave in to me just because I don't think she knew what else to do to appease me because she tried often and said no but I just kept on asking for it. I didn't consider an outing or an occasion a *fun* time unless it revolved around eating. I was extremely beligerent. It's a lot to think about and I'm realizing that I have to be a role model for these children when it comes to eating healthy.

I think I will have to buy a new scale. I have two and the digital WW model gives different readings when I move it around all within one minute apart.

Friday, March 19, 2010

VLCD 26 ( R1 P2) : 207.5

The scale didn't want to give a consistent reading this morning. I went with the amount that showed up the most times and I checked on the scale in the other bathroom and that gave the same reading. So...it's 207.5.

I feel relieved today. I wrote my final exam last night and it was extremely tough. It was three essay questions of one hour each and I ran out of time near the end. I couldn't have extra time as the exam was proctored and they announced when there was only 5 minutes remaining. I don't even know if the last essay was coherent. I was skipping all over the pages trying to add in lost last minute info to try to get some extra points.

I had lean steak twice yesterday with onions. I'm considering that it is "beef" as per the protocol. It tasted divine. I'm going to do injections for 13 more days. It seems like it's been forever. I went to Eddie Bauer yesterday afternoon with the baby so that she could play in the playland that they have there. I tried on a beautiful blue trenchcoat. The lady showed me where the mirror was. I told her I'd try it first to see if I fit and if it didn't I wouldn't need the mirror. I tried on the XL and it buttoned but was slightly tight. It did not fall right. Opened it was perfect but I wanted it to look right buttoned. I tried on the XXL in black and white and it was a good fit, slightly big but I want the XL. It's strange the thoughts that go through your head. I was really expecting her to come over and see me trying on the coat and say "sorry but we don't sell clothes here big enough to fit you". In my head, I think that everyone sees me as huge and I've always been intimidated to shop in "regular" non-plus size stores even thought this store does carry XL and XXL but the sizes run smaller than a regular XL or XXL would in plus size stores. I am going to go back to that store once a week and try on that coat if they still have it there and see if some more reducing on the stomach makes a difference. I would be estatic if I could fit into the large. We'll see. But I really have to get over this self-image I have but it's been with me for so long - not good enough, not smart enough, and always the fat girl. Somethings to think about.