“Set Yourself Free” by Ralph Marston"

---"There is no outside force holding you back. You are holding you back and you are blaming it on someone or something else. The way you are able to continue holding yourself back is by maintaining the illusion that you're a victim. Once you realize that illusion, you will naturally and easily move forward. In fact, it is easier to fulfill your best possibilities than it is to avoid them. So let go of the blame and watch the limitations drop away. Certainly there will always be challenges that hold you back. For each challenge provides you with a pathway through which you can move toward fulfillment. It is your very nature to accomplish. Lovingly accept your destiny, and allow that accomplishment to be manifest through you. Set yourself free to follow your purpose. Set yourself free to truly live."

Saturday, May 29, 2010

What should be Day 11 VLCD R2 P2 (202.4)

I have lost my mojo, fallen off the wagon , whatever you want to call it. I'm at 202.4. What I have determined is that midcycle is very diffiucult for me emotionally. The hormones are flying and if things aren't going well, then I turn to food.

I found out Wednesday that I didn't get the job I was so sure that I was going to. I was definitely in the running but the director told me that he's reposting the job because he thinks that he needs someone that speaks either Spanish or Arabic in order to secure more bilateral agreements with SouthAmerican or Middle Eastern countries. WTF??? Speaking English, French and having education and loads of experience isn't good enough. I was sick of the "climbing the corporate ladder" bullshit and I said screw this. I'll stay in the department I'm in and refocus. The new job would have entailed travelling which would have been nice but realistically it might not be that practicial right now. The next day (Thursday) I had a major binge. It started with buying two pieces of pizza at lunch. Then I had a chocolate bar and a donut. Then for dinner I went to McDonald;s, then had two icecreams and finished that off with a bag of easter candy I found that I had forgotten I bought. I am so ashamed - it must be about 5000 calories (or more??) that I ate that day. It's this type of behaviour that got me fat in the first place. Don't want to depress everyone - I just want to be accountable because that's part of this whole journey.

Today I am going to eat reasonably but off protocol and get prepared to start P2 again. I am going to cut all my vegetables and cook my chicken and shrimp. That's what I did not do this time - I didn't put the preparation in. I have to realize what's important here and that's getting the rest of this weight off. I seem to "carry" weight well as it is evenly proportioned and most people woulf not guess right now that I am not over 200. Well I am and I can see it especially without clothes. My own husband doesn't even know what I weigh - I've always been too ashamed to tell him. He says to me "...well now that you weigh about 180 you can't give up. You have to keep going." He has no clue. I got too caught up in the "well I've lost 32.5" pounds and am getting compliments so this round will be easier. Well it isn't. I am using the spray this time instead of the injections. I have definitely noticed that using the spray I am not hungry when I am strictly on protocol. Whereas with the injections I was madly hungry the first week of P2. With the spray there is no hunger but the cravings are wild and maddening.

My pity party is over. I need to deal with the life setbacks in a much different way. I turned to what I know best and a lot of it is hormonally charged.

Wednesday, May 26, 2010

VLCD 8 ( R2 P2 ) : 199.7

Back to the land of 100. Have only lost 1 pound since Sunday morning but I attribute it to not drinking enough water. I also had a lean ground beef bbq hamburger on Sunday that I did not weigh- I'm sure it was over 100 grams so that could have caused issues.

It's so hot here with the humidity. It's record breaking temperatures this week. I need new clothes but don't have the money to buy a bunch right now. I'm trying to make do with what I have but I don't have as many "hot weather" clothes to make do with. I want to lose more weight before I buy a few more new things. My upper arms are still not "tank top friendly" so I have to up the strength training.

According to BMI calculations my ideal weight should be 145 pounds for my height of 5'4. I'm trying to visualize what I will look like at 145. I don't fully picture it yet.

Sunday, May 23, 2010

VKCD 5 ( R2 P2 ) : 200.9

Stats: VLCD 4 : 201.8, VLCD 5: 200.9

Staying strong so far this weekend. Still not back to R1 LIW of 198.6 but will be there soon. I've learned that the loading does not have to be so excessive and I shouldn't treat it as a
free-for-all. Next round I will plan the indulgences more carefully.

It's a long weekend - took the girls mini-golfing yesterday, groomed the dog myself (with Mr. K's head shaver!!) and mowed the back lawn. Today we are going to start scraping and painting the fence this morning and then I will take the girls swimming or to a movie.

Keeping myself busy really helps with not being focused on food or what everyone else is eating and staying strong on protocol.

Friday, May 21, 2010

VLCD 3 ( R2 P2) : 203.7

Kind of hungry right now. I'm still assessing if the drops seem as effective as the injections. But I do remember from R1 that on VLCD3 I was very hungry too. I'm going to have my lunch soon.

It's the Canadian Victoria Day long weekend coming up so today at work there are a lot of people off. It's quiet and I'l leave early today which is nice. I don't know if there is an American equivalent of a May holiday but I'm looking foward to having Monday off and an extra-long weekend with beautiful high temperatures.

I'm organized this year and bought a season pass to the water-slide park this year. The girls are looking forward to it.

I want to stay strong this weekend and stay completely on protocol. Have a great weekend everyone!

Thursday, May 20, 2010

VLCD 2 (R 2 P2 ): 204.6

Just a quick update. Decent loss but it's so wierd - I forgot last night while I was watching American Idol that I was not loading anymore! There was a bowl of chips left on the sidetable that Mr. K had been eating and left there. Before I knew it I was eating some and though oh shit - I'm not loading anymore!! But yesterday was all clean except for the chips and today is completely clean eating.

Still getting used to the drops. I must say I like the injections more for the ease of use.

Mr. K and I had a couples counselling session at the brain rehab centre today at noon. I was going to try some of the strategies they gave us for communicating and then when he came to pick me up (he parked the car) he came back with a $60 parking ticket. He said he coudl save us $10 by parking on a side road instead of in the paid parking lot. So I was soooooooo pissed off and that ended working on the strategies right then and there. Then I came back to work and someone had left a piece of cake on my desk!?!? I missed the bday celebration at lunch so someone *kindly* thought that I woudl want the cake. I took it straight away and put it on someone else's desk and didn't think twice. I'm so looking forward to seeing the 180's and cake will not stop me!!!! Seize the power lol.

Wednesday, May 19, 2010

VLCD 1 ( R2 P2 ) 206.3

3 days of loading and having a "free for all" with sugar and carbs really did a number on the scale but I did thoroughly enjoy it. That's 7.7 above my LIW on Round 1. The sugar is still in my system and it's going to be a trip coming out of the sugar fog. Today at work there is a cupcake sale and everyother day it's someone's birthday and the director buys a cake. There's another birthday tomorrow. When you stand there and don't eat cake, everyone tries to offer you a piece. It reminds me of that Seinfeld episode where Elaine rages about cake days.

I'm taking the HCG drops and don't really know how often I should take them and when. The bottle says 7 drops 3x or more times per day. The first three days of VLCD are brutal but I don't want to be spraying whenever I feel hungry and use up the entire bottle in a week.

Here's to a successful P2 and to get further away from 200 with more of a cushion this time. My last LIW was 198.6. When on P3 and P4, going up and down and back and forth between the 200 number was not good psychologically. I know it's just a number but there is such an emotional connotation to being under 200. It's like the magic *transition* number. The plan is to stay strong and keep working to see a number in the 180's.

I'm wearing a very cute sundress and heels today which I would not have had the confidence to wear before. I still feel self-conscious because I see the old *me* when I look in the mirror. It's funny that no matter what weight I am, the self-doubt and embarassment still lingers. But I got a really nice compliment this morning so I'm just trying to work it for now.

Monday, May 17, 2010

R2 P2 - Loading Day 2 : 204.5

Decided to get right back on P2 and wow, the weight goes back on *real* quick when loading.
I'm taking the drops this time and don't know if I'm doing it right. The bottle says "seven drops three times a day under the tongue". It's akward to spray under your tongue and then I'm left with a little *puddle" of liquid just sitting there. I don't know if I'm supposed to swallow it or how long I'm supposed to just sit there and try to let it absorb. The injections were so much easier even though the mixing part was a pain.

I had my house appraised Saturday. It was good news - almost $65-$95K in less than three years. Was depressed after because she said I have *a lot* of work to do. Mostly cosmetic but still a lot. I felt *so* judged. I won't go with her when I sell. She was just too snooty for my liking. I notice little things like her just dropping her set of keys on my dining room table and then bouncing them around again when she was shifting her paperwork around. That's a no-no in my books. So disrespectful. She said my house has to be absolutley spotless if I sell and sorry but I work all day plus am in the middle of a law degree - when the hell will I have time to scrub my baseboards and scrape my window-sills and paint them???? I realize all of this is true and it has to be spotless to sell well but I want to pick someone that I approve of to sell my house and not just be greatful that she pulls up in her mercedes convertible and gives me attitude because I'm getting a *free* evaluation. I was upfront with her from the getgo about not being sure if I wanted to sell or not. Oh well - enough about her.

Have to figure out what to eat for lunch. Getting geared up to start VLCD 1 tomorrow or Wednesday. It all depends if I go to the grocery store this evening or tomorrow evening. Soccer season begins tonight for my kids so that's something else to add to the list. Plus have to get cracking on my baseboards and windowsills.

Sunday, May 9, 2010

Day 6 ( R1 P4 ) : 201.4

That's 2.8 pounds above LIW. I seem to be stabilizing at or about 200-201. It's strange because some days I'll go down to 199 and then the next day back up to 201.

I'm seriously considering starting R2 P2 with the drops instead of injections very soon. Have to do some gearing up for it and then want to go full speed ahead. We went to a brunch buffet this morning and it would have been a perfect situation for a loading day. But I'm still on P4 so no such luck.

Haven't posted lately because I've been on a real serious pity party as of late and don't want to be a "debbie downer".

Things are getting better - well not really but it's my attitude that's getting better. All of this crap is within my ability to change and fix and it's just one step at a time. Once I have the house appraised this Saturday, it will give me a better indication of what I should do.

I went for a job interview Thursday - it would be a promotion if I get it. I'm keeping my fingers crossed. There have been so many of my colleagues laid off over the last year that I wonder if it's secure to stay with the company I'm with but a promotion in a different department might make sense. I definitely have a fear of change and moving out of a comfort zone even if it's not that comfortable but just familiar. Maybe I'll have good news soon.

Sunday, May 2, 2010

Day 19 ( R1 P3 ) : 199.9

Nice to see the drop. You're all correct about the effect seeing the bounce between 198-199-200-201 has on the psyche. I think maybe I will go the full P4 just so it wont' be as hard and then gear up for a strong R2P2.

I took the three girls to an old fashioned pizza joint last night - their choice and then to bowling at the alley next to the restaurant. It was glow-in-the-dark bowling and they had a blast. I had my hands full with a two year old as her attention span only lasts for two games and not the whole 10. I was very impressed with how well behaved she was at the restuautant - only one spilled drink. But she was hungry so I think that's why she was more focused.

My husband and I are still not speaking. It's hard - I'm disappointed that he's not trying harder. He's still working nights for 3-4 hrs but he's staying home all day and watching naked girls with huge hooters on the computer and the baby is in daycare. He has a masters degree in public admin and should have no problem getting steady work so there are no excuses. I could have really used his help last night with taking the girls out but it's just not worth the hassle of the possible arguing and fighting in public or in front of the girls. It's come to a point where I have to make a decision of what I want here. It's really come to the forefront for me that I want more than this from a relationship. Maybe it's the finances that have taken such a huge toll over the past two years but he also suffered from a traumatic brain injury back in 1996 from a car accident that has left him with for lack of a better way to put it - a deficient social filter. He is very regimented and his way is the right way. He very much models his parent's relationship - very tumultous but they have been together 42 year with tons of fighting and unhappiness unitl now they are a place of mutual acceptance. I don't want to wait 42 years to reach a place where you realize your marriage has taken that long to grow to a place where you realize you're not right for each other but you're all each other has so you might as well accept it. We have been together almost 4 years. This is both our first marriage but my first two children are from a previous 7 year relationship that was a complete disaster. Sometimes I wonder what I'm really afraid to admit is that maybe my current marriage is just a rebound from the last relationship and that I moved into things too soon and didn't realize that although someone appears normal that the repercussions of a traumatic brain injury in a person are just too much to handle.

I'm at a point now - sounds weird - that I'm just waking up from a fog and realizing that I have a lot of regrets that I could have made better decisions. I'm getting the house appraised on May 15th just so I know what it's worth and if I sold it how much equity I have to consider maybe moving to a smaller place. So very bizarre to be dealing with but the one thing I'm proud of is that I'm a good mom but I am now putting myself first. The weight loss is so important for me to be a better mother to my girls and I am not dealing with all of these issues by overeating and I am not using food as a distraction. Sorry for the long post and I'm amazed if you're still reading this. Maybe this will help putting these issues out there.

Saturday, May 1, 2010

Day 18 ( R1 P3 ) : 201.0

I decided to join Overeaters Anonymous. I am going to do the tele-call first just to listen and then I will attend the first meeting next week. I am a little unsure of how much of a "religious" stance they have in this group. Each group is different obviously because of the participants. I was raised a practicing Catholic but I don't want the meetings to be religious. I will see what happens and if this is not for me, I will investigate other avenues. I am looking for a venue where I can vent my inner thoughts about how being fat has caused me to not make the best decisions and reasons why I gained weight in the first place.

My last day of P3 will be Tuesday and then I am considering going back to P2 or maybe just continuing on P3 for another week or 2. I have not been able to find a company that will sell HCG injections to Canada anymore. They all say that Customs has really cracked down lately and parcels are being returned to them or confiscated and it's just not worth their hassle anymore. I do have a bottle of HCG drops that I ordered way back when in January and it took more than 8 weeks to arrive. So I think my R2P2 will be with the drops. They have been sitting in a cupboard above my microwave since then so I hope they are still potent. The expiry date is sometime in 2011 or 12.

Everyone seems to be doing great lately and really staying strong on whatever phase of the protocol you are at. Congrats to everyone!