“Set Yourself Free” by Ralph Marston"

---"There is no outside force holding you back. You are holding you back and you are blaming it on someone or something else. The way you are able to continue holding yourself back is by maintaining the illusion that you're a victim. Once you realize that illusion, you will naturally and easily move forward. In fact, it is easier to fulfill your best possibilities than it is to avoid them. So let go of the blame and watch the limitations drop away. Certainly there will always be challenges that hold you back. For each challenge provides you with a pathway through which you can move toward fulfillment. It is your very nature to accomplish. Lovingly accept your destiny, and allow that accomplishment to be manifest through you. Set yourself free to follow your purpose. Set yourself free to truly live."

Tuesday, March 30, 2010

VLCD 37 : 203.9 ( R1 P2 )

My weight has stabilized. I think my body has had enough. Tomorrow is my last injection day and then three days of the VLCD. I'm still drinking as much water as I can.

I'm wondering if you can do Phase 3 and then go back to Phase 2 without doing Phase 4. The protocol says no but I'm wondering if anyone has done it.

Saturday, March 27, 2010

VLCD 34: 203.7 ( R1 P2 )

I'm so happy to see a loss. Thanks everybody for reading and for your comments. You have no idea how much it means when you're feeling ready to just throw in the towel.

I'm struggling a little bit with weekends. Every Friday at work someone is assigned to bring the breakfast. I got there late and when I walked by the table later when everyone was done there were three slices of blackforest ham, some tomatoes and lettue and fruit left. I took it plus strawberries and ate it at my desk. That was 10:30. By 1:00 I was actually hungry again so I went down to the buffeteria and got a grilled chicken sandwich without the bread. I ate it with salt and pepper and mustard and it was delic. I was a bit worried that I would go over 500 for the day but I didn't even with the dinner. It's suprising because with that extra food I lost 1.6 pounds that day. I wonder if some days I'm not getting in the full 500 even though I weight exactly 3.5 ounces meat and 3.5 oz of veggies at lunch and dinner.

This morning after my daughter's hockey game my husband wanted to go for breakfast. I just couldn't think of going with them and having to sit there and be at a restaurant where I am used to eating whatever I want and maybe dessert.

So, I took the two year old home and gave her scrambled eggs and toast and I had a 1 egg/3 egg white omelet with onions. It did the trick. Now I'm cleaning the house and doing laundry while they're out.

I'm still working towards 199 !

Thursday, March 25, 2010

VLCD 32: 205.6 ( R1 P2 )

Very discouraged. I did an apple day two days ago and didn't see a loss. I've only lost 0.3 of a pound. When I re-read the protocol it said an apple day won't work unless it is a true stall of 4 days or more. I'm pissed off at my scale because it shows a lower weight but then when I re-check it seems to stabilize at the same reading after several times of moving it around.

So I'm keeping on truckin'. This evening I went to a retirement get-together at a pub and all the people around me were eating pub food: nachos, chicken fingers, homemade fries, chicken wings....... I just tried to enjoy the conversation and had a diet pepsi. No one mentioned or commented that I wasn't eating anything. I don't even know if they noticed because people were eating at different times (some got there later than others) and the atmosphere was not a sit-down dinner - it was quite casual. I had enough of looking at food and left at about 6:30 (it started at around 5pm). It's so funny that I notice such slim people ordering such fattening food. I can't figure that out.

I was so hungry on drive home I went through the drive-thru and got a McDonald's grilled chicken without the bun and no mayo and no cheese. I blotted the chicken very thoroughly with napkins and put salt and pepper and vingegar on it and it was topped with tomato and lettuce. I sat in the parking log and ate it with a fork and knife. The void was filled quite nicely and I went home and had an apple with a shake of cinnamon on it. I can still have my melba toast tonight if I want it.

My water consumption has been VERY poor. I think that may be the problem. It almost sickens me to drink water. I have to make a schedule of when to drink it throughout the day and stick to it. I feel like I'm failing - I try to be a perfectionist in certain things I do to a fault. There's other things that I just go with the flow and make do with what I can. But with this protocol, I wanted to reach 195. I know 25 pounds is good but I wanted it to be better. I only have 6 injections to go and then 3 days of 500 calorie days with no injections.

I'm going to go drink some water now and see what tomorrow brings. It's been a long week and am just starting to feel a little down. People I haven't seen in a while commented tonight and told me I looked great. Which was nice because 25 pounds off my body does show for sure. My goal is a flat stomach but that is still a long ways off.

Tuesday, March 23, 2010

VLCD 30: 205.9 ( R1 P2 )

No change! And I was so good yesterday. Today I'm doing an apple day. I took out 6 green apples this morning and I have had three at work. I plan to eat one an hour during the rest of this evening. I didn't have any water today just one diet pepsi so far.

It's hard because my mom was here today and made two chicken breast in the oven. They smelled so good. I contemplated just stir-frying some chicken and radishes but thought I already had one apple over the two fruits allowed per day. And, I've already made it this far into the day that I might as well keept it at just a strict *6* apple day.

We'll see what the scale says tomorrow. I'm feeling sooooo tired though. But I just keep thinking I don't have to much longer to go. I'd love to lose another 10 by the end. In actuality, I'd be happy just to be under 200 but 195 would be a safe enough distance from 200 when starting P3.

Monday, March 22, 2010

VLCD 29: 205.9 ( R1 P2 )

I went back to work today after a week off. I bought a shirt on sale last week for 90 percent off.
It is very form fitting and I can really see where I have shrunk on the sides and my stomach is fruther in than my boobs! I haven't told anyone at work about HCG or that I'm on a diet.
I was suprised that alot of people commented and said "You've lost weight!" And these are people that would usually never comment so that's a good sign. I am feeling good and not hungry or having any cravings. In these last 29 days I have discovered that I think the weight gain and bingeing has a lot to do with hormones. I have never tracked TOM before and now I am going to start tracking to see how my moods and cravings are affected monthly.

I forgot to do my shot this morning and yesterday (Sunday) was the *no injection* day but I was suprised that I wasn't hungry. I took a shot at about 6pm after I got home this evening. I know it's supposed to be 24 hrs apart but I took a chance and did it anyways. The time is passing quickly and I am so looking forward to seeing 199. I haven't been there in about 18 years - I don't even remember when. All I remember is 186 .6 when I was 16 and went to investigage a weight loss cline and they weighed me. Something to look foward to.

Sunday, March 21, 2010

VLCD 28 : 206.1 ( R1 P2 )

The past two days I am not feeling hungry and really couldn't care less about eating. I've been eating as per protocol but I didn't have the second apple last night. I think it's hormonal.

We took the kids to the wave pool yesterday and they had a slushy and some fries and it didn't even bother me. I find now I'm really paying attention to what the children eat. They are not overweight and I'd say eat fairly well but in the past there was way too much fast food. I've cut way back on that and limited eating out to just weekends. They don't have weight issues but I want them to be healthy and it's my job to make sure that they have sugar in moderation and I want to do this in a positive way so that they are not even aware that I am doing it. When I was a child I would throw a temper tantrum if I didn't get the junk food/fast food that I asked for. My mother often gave in to me just because I don't think she knew what else to do to appease me because she tried often and said no but I just kept on asking for it. I didn't consider an outing or an occasion a *fun* time unless it revolved around eating. I was extremely beligerent. It's a lot to think about and I'm realizing that I have to be a role model for these children when it comes to eating healthy.

I think I will have to buy a new scale. I have two and the digital WW model gives different readings when I move it around all within one minute apart.

Friday, March 19, 2010

VLCD 26 ( R1 P2) : 207.5

The scale didn't want to give a consistent reading this morning. I went with the amount that showed up the most times and I checked on the scale in the other bathroom and that gave the same reading. So...it's 207.5.

I feel relieved today. I wrote my final exam last night and it was extremely tough. It was three essay questions of one hour each and I ran out of time near the end. I couldn't have extra time as the exam was proctored and they announced when there was only 5 minutes remaining. I don't even know if the last essay was coherent. I was skipping all over the pages trying to add in lost last minute info to try to get some extra points.

I had lean steak twice yesterday with onions. I'm considering that it is "beef" as per the protocol. It tasted divine. I'm going to do injections for 13 more days. It seems like it's been forever. I went to Eddie Bauer yesterday afternoon with the baby so that she could play in the playland that they have there. I tried on a beautiful blue trenchcoat. The lady showed me where the mirror was. I told her I'd try it first to see if I fit and if it didn't I wouldn't need the mirror. I tried on the XL and it buttoned but was slightly tight. It did not fall right. Opened it was perfect but I wanted it to look right buttoned. I tried on the XXL in black and white and it was a good fit, slightly big but I want the XL. It's strange the thoughts that go through your head. I was really expecting her to come over and see me trying on the coat and say "sorry but we don't sell clothes here big enough to fit you". In my head, I think that everyone sees me as huge and I've always been intimidated to shop in "regular" non-plus size stores even thought this store does carry XL and XXL but the sizes run smaller than a regular XL or XXL would in plus size stores. I am going to go back to that store once a week and try on that coat if they still have it there and see if some more reducing on the stomach makes a difference. I would be estatic if I could fit into the large. We'll see. But I really have to get over this self-image I have but it's been with me for so long - not good enough, not smart enough, and always the fat girl. Somethings to think about.

Thursday, March 18, 2010

VLCD 25 ( R1 P2 ): 208.9 +0.06

Today is the first gain I've had since starting. Every thing was perfect with the eating up until last night. My kids were having a granola bar and the baby brought an extra one to me in the office. I opened it and a piece in my mouth and sucked it and chewed it and then spit it out. Gross, I know. Then I repeated that and had the rest of the first one and a second one. I didn't swallow any of it but I'm sure that the sugar was most likely absorbed into my system.

So anyways, this morning I drove my 6-year old to the day camp and I thought about going to the McDonald's drive thru and getting a big mac meal.

My inner voice rationalization was crazy.

Inner voice: you failed you suck just have the big mac. No one will know and maybe it will stall any loss for two days but it might kick start it again after that.

Me: why bother - you'll feel like shit afterwards and once again give in to the stress with eating.

Inner voice: but I don't really care - I will feel better

Me: no you won't but I won't hate you if you do. I feel sorry for you.

That's some weird dialogue going on it my head but it's the feeling of failure and not being able to withstand pressure. I'm glad I fought it off. I still have *a lot* of work to do emotionally. I'm tired as all hell and didn't drink any water yesterday. So I went to the grocery store and bought strawberries, cabbage and onions and a lean cut of beef. I'll have some of that for lunch and for dinner too. I forgot the melba toast as I ran out two days ago. I didn't have any melba toast yesterday so maybe that's part of the reason I gave in to sucking on the granola bars. Sounds pathetic I know but I *will* carry on.

Wednesday, March 17, 2010

VLCD 24: 208.3 ( R1 P2 ) TOM Day 5

I was reading another blog yesterday about eating eggs. So I thought why not? I had one egg and two egg whites scrambled. It was such a treat! It's funny that scrambled eggs would taste so damned good.

I'm only have two needles left which were rejects because teach one is only 3/4 of a full dose. I think I'll take one and then a bit of the other. I wonder if it would hurt just to take both. I don't think you can overdose??? I am going to mix the second batch tonight. It's such a pain because I need to watch the youtube video instructions while I do it because I'm paranoid I'll make a mistake. I'll need to find time to be completely alone so I don't get interupted.

I'm so excited that I received an email today for a job that I had applied for. The email gave details of the date and time for the written exam. I'll have to do research on the competencies so that I'm prepared. One more thing to study for but it's more security. The crown corporation where I work now is laying off massive amounts of employees and no one knows who's next. So I'll try my best on the test. The good thing is that my pension would be transferrable and I won't lose the vacation weeks that I have built up over 10 years.

My final law school exam for year one is this Thursday evening and I am no where near prepared. It is psyching me out and I'm wondering if I made a mistake trying to do law school part-time with all the rest of the craziness of my life right now. But I've made it almost through the first year. But I have visions of going completely blank when the exam starts and then puking. I'll be so much more calm when it is over. It's stressing but I'm doing my best to stay on plan with eating.

Tuesday, March 16, 2010

VLCD 23: 208.8 ( R1 P2 ) TOM Day 4

Forgot to weigh myself yesterday. I always weigh first thing in the morning so I wan't to keep it consistent. I'm glad to see the weight coming off. The funny thing is though is I can't see it. Yes, my pants are looser and not leaving a big red mark on my stomach at the end of the day. I am still wearing my size 18 jeans which were a bit loose even when I bought them but they are at the point now where I should consider wearing a belt just in case.

My back is hurting something fierce. I've never had a bad back. I am a little worried though because of something my mom said about where I should be giving the injections. I did them in the upper part of my stomach a few times. She couldn't believe that when I told her because she said that's where are all the important internal organs are. Now I'm having weird thoughts that I punctured my pancreas or something and that's why I'm having really bad back pain. Is it true that you should never inject in your upper stomach? I thought it would be okay because there's some fat there.

I'm still craving cheese something fierce. I'm going to do the last injection on March 31, and then the three days of VLCD (with no injections) so that I can have some turkey (and more than 3 oz ) on Easter Sunday. That's 18 more days. Wow that seems long! I'll see how it goes but that's the plan. I have to start researching what I can eat on P3.

Sunday, March 14, 2010

VLCD 21: 211.4 ( R1 P2) TOM Day 2

Glad to have seen a loss today. I woke up and weighed myself and I was 213.9. So discouraging. Then I went back to bed to read for a bit and ended up falling asleep again. My husband made sure the kids were fed and took care of them while I slept. When I woke up I weighed myself again and the scale said 211.4. I checked obsessively 10 times with the scale moved in different places and it still said 211.4. I'm hoping the 213.9 was just a fluke.
I took an injection yesterday even though I guess I wasn't supposed to but Sundays are my "no shot" day so I thought it wouldn't hurt. The movie last night went well but when we came home the kids asked for a delicio pizza. It was cooling on the stove and I took some cheese off the top and ate it. The second I swallowed it I thought "what the heck am I doing" but it was too late.

I wasn't feeling well this afternoon so I didn't eat much for dinner. I made spaghetti for the children and took some of the lean ground beef mixed with onion out for myself before I added the tomato sauce and diced tomatoes. Then I realized I hand't weighed it raw so I just had 3 oz. I didn't bother with the vegatables. It tasted ok but bland. I forced myself to eat it even though I wasn't hungry. I can't sleep right now- it's way later than I usually stay up. I hear my stomach *growling" but my stomach feels still not right so I'm just waiting to go to sleep.

It will be interesting to see what the scale says tomorrow.

Saturday, March 13, 2010

VLCD 20: 212.9 ( R1 P2) TOM Day 1

Down almost a pound today. I only had two melba toast yesterday. I'm keeping those in check because it's just not worth it to *cheat* with melba toast.

I'm taking the girls and my niece to see the Alice in Wonderland movie this evening. I'm purposely not buying them the movie theather pop corn because it's just too tempting for me.
I'm packing them some air popped popcorn and some fuzzy peach and swedish berry candy for them.

I'll bring strawberries which is my second serving of fruit for the day. Hopefully that will do the trick. Happy Saturday.

Friday, March 12, 2010

VLCD 19: 213.7 ( R1 P2 )

Stayed completely on plan yesterday. Kind of stressed now. My husband just finally started a new contract today which will help so much but financially things are not good. I had to pay the hydro bill this morning as it was already overdue and I got the warning notice.

We are behind three mortgage payments. And, he's still working at night. He wakes up at 2 does his delivery job until 6. Then he goes to the next gov't job from 8-4. I feel bad for him but he knows that we have to get back on track financially. He'll be making a lot of money but I'm hoping the contract lasts for the full three months. My mom will take care of the baby during the day which I'm really thankful for. The reason we're in so much debt is because I took unpaid leave after my maternity leave was up and then when my husband got laid off last April I went back to work and he took a part-time But I've never been able to catch up on the arrears payments.

It will be a tough week until I get paid Thursday. My six year old is in a day camp for the full week starting Monday but I didn't sign my ten year old up for anything yet and now I can't. So I'll have the 10 and 2 year old for full days next week.

I have a major exam to study for which I have to write on the 19th so things are crazy now. I'm not going to give into the temptation to go off plan. I'll get through this week. Things will get better.

Thursday, March 11, 2010

VLCD 18 : 214.5 ( R1 P2)

So still 214.5 this morning. It's getting harder as the days go by. Yesterday I brought in one cellophane package of melba toast. I thought it would be good to keep the supply here at work instead of bringing 2 two pieces each morning. Well........that was a VERY bad idea. I kept them on my desk next to the phone and I lost track and almost subconsciously kept taking " a little more". By 4:30 they were all gone. The rest of the day I was completely on protocol.

So today, I have just two melba toast with me. I will have no more when I go home. It's funny that I'm willing to do all the other work staying on plan but will mess it up with stupid melba toast which doesn't even taste that great!

Hope to stay totally on plan today. I'll be off work tomorrow and all of next week because my kids have March Break holidays. The daily routine will be changed and I'll have more access to food. But, my mindset is ready for it, I think.

Wednesday, March 10, 2010

VLCD 17 - 214.5 ( R1-P2 )

Learned my lesson: +0.6 this morning. I had 4 saltine crackers yesterday afternoon and then at night had a handful of shredded mozarella cheese. I'm dreaming about cheese.

I didn't drink as much water so I will drink 3 litres today and see what happens.

Tuesday, March 9, 2010

VLCD 16 - 213.9 ( R1-P2 )

Day 16 of VLCD (R1P2)
Today is day 16 of the VLCD. I decided to start a blog about my progress so better late than never. I read quite a few weight loss blogs so I thought I'd finally take the opportunity to make my own blog.

Just a bit of background. I've been overweight since age 7. In grade 11 I weighed 186 pounds. I remember going to a one of the major weight loss clinics that year and finally finding out my weight - 186 pounds. I was mortified. I had no idea. Plus I was shorter than I am now. I had a bit of a growth spurt late in high school and reached 5'4. I think back in grade 11 I was 5'2.

So then progress a few years, I finished university and was 222. I went up to 236 before I became pregnant with my first daughter in 1999 and then after she was born I decided to give the weight loss another try. By the time she was 18 months I had reached 269.9. Might as well say 270! Went on Dr. Bernstein Diet and got down to 234. Then over the years went back up to 250. When I started another diet in May 2006 (1200 calories per day), I got down to 204. I was estatic. Everyone was commenting and I felt so much better. Then I gave up and my weight stabilized at about 220. There's something about getting under 200 that I think I'm sabotaging the efforts.

I want this time to be different. I had gone down to 216 at the end of November through careful eating. After Christmas this year, the poundage started to creep up again. I got up to 228 and my pants were getting too tight and was scared

I started researching HCG and ordered some HCG drops off Ebay on January 6th. The drops never arrived - I assume they were held up in customs. Canadians have a very hard time ordering HCG even the sublingual kind.

Then in February I decided to try the injections and looked high and low for a company that would ship to Canada. Then I found a wonderful company that ships to Canada and I received the package within 6-8 days at a very reasonable price. (http://www.yourhcgdiet.com/)

I started this diet on February 22, 2010. Day 1 & Day 2 of loading brought me up to 230.08) As of today I am 213.9. That's a loss including the loading weight of 16.9 pounds.

Day 1 of the VLCD was very difficult. I was tired when I got home from work that I had to have a 2 hour nap. The hunger feelings and uncomfortableness started to subside by Day 4 of the VLCD. I don't feel physically hungry but I still have (at times) wicked mental cravings.

I can cook for my husband and children and it doesn't bother me. Preparation of my veggies and chicken, shrimp, etc. is the key to being sucessful. Also, for those wondering I started drining my Diet Pepsi again on about day 6. I was a hardcore DP addict and I've cut back considerably but I still have about 3 cans a day and it doesn't seem to be interfering with the weight loss. I also use Walden Farms products. They're great!! I mix veggies - but usually not more than 2. My favourite meal is chicken with celery and red onions. I only mix more than 2 when I buy a salad.

For the first few days, my husband gave me the injections in the but as I had read somewhere that the injection needs to be intermuscular. But now I do it myself in the stomach. I have quite a bit of fat there so I don't think it's going into any muscle but again, it doesn't seem to be preventing weight loss.

This post is getting really long. If you're still reading at this point - thanks. And I wish you nothing but success with HCG.