“Set Yourself Free” by Ralph Marston"

---"There is no outside force holding you back. You are holding you back and you are blaming it on someone or something else. The way you are able to continue holding yourself back is by maintaining the illusion that you're a victim. Once you realize that illusion, you will naturally and easily move forward. In fact, it is easier to fulfill your best possibilities than it is to avoid them. So let go of the blame and watch the limitations drop away. Certainly there will always be challenges that hold you back. For each challenge provides you with a pathway through which you can move toward fulfillment. It is your very nature to accomplish. Lovingly accept your destiny, and allow that accomplishment to be manifest through you. Set yourself free to follow your purpose. Set yourself free to truly live."

Thursday, March 18, 2010

VLCD 25 ( R1 P2 ): 208.9 +0.06

Today is the first gain I've had since starting. Every thing was perfect with the eating up until last night. My kids were having a granola bar and the baby brought an extra one to me in the office. I opened it and a piece in my mouth and sucked it and chewed it and then spit it out. Gross, I know. Then I repeated that and had the rest of the first one and a second one. I didn't swallow any of it but I'm sure that the sugar was most likely absorbed into my system.

So anyways, this morning I drove my 6-year old to the day camp and I thought about going to the McDonald's drive thru and getting a big mac meal.

My inner voice rationalization was crazy.

Inner voice: you failed you suck just have the big mac. No one will know and maybe it will stall any loss for two days but it might kick start it again after that.

Me: why bother - you'll feel like shit afterwards and once again give in to the stress with eating.

Inner voice: but I don't really care - I will feel better

Me: no you won't but I won't hate you if you do. I feel sorry for you.

That's some weird dialogue going on it my head but it's the feeling of failure and not being able to withstand pressure. I'm glad I fought it off. I still have *a lot* of work to do emotionally. I'm tired as all hell and didn't drink any water yesterday. So I went to the grocery store and bought strawberries, cabbage and onions and a lean cut of beef. I'll have some of that for lunch and for dinner too. I forgot the melba toast as I ran out two days ago. I didn't have any melba toast yesterday so maybe that's part of the reason I gave in to sucking on the granola bars. Sounds pathetic I know but I *will* carry on.