“Set Yourself Free” by Ralph Marston"

---"There is no outside force holding you back. You are holding you back and you are blaming it on someone or something else. The way you are able to continue holding yourself back is by maintaining the illusion that you're a victim. Once you realize that illusion, you will naturally and easily move forward. In fact, it is easier to fulfill your best possibilities than it is to avoid them. So let go of the blame and watch the limitations drop away. Certainly there will always be challenges that hold you back. For each challenge provides you with a pathway through which you can move toward fulfillment. It is your very nature to accomplish. Lovingly accept your destiny, and allow that accomplishment to be manifest through you. Set yourself free to follow your purpose. Set yourself free to truly live."

Saturday, May 29, 2010

What should be Day 11 VLCD R2 P2 (202.4)

I have lost my mojo, fallen off the wagon , whatever you want to call it. I'm at 202.4. What I have determined is that midcycle is very diffiucult for me emotionally. The hormones are flying and if things aren't going well, then I turn to food.

I found out Wednesday that I didn't get the job I was so sure that I was going to. I was definitely in the running but the director told me that he's reposting the job because he thinks that he needs someone that speaks either Spanish or Arabic in order to secure more bilateral agreements with SouthAmerican or Middle Eastern countries. WTF??? Speaking English, French and having education and loads of experience isn't good enough. I was sick of the "climbing the corporate ladder" bullshit and I said screw this. I'll stay in the department I'm in and refocus. The new job would have entailed travelling which would have been nice but realistically it might not be that practicial right now. The next day (Thursday) I had a major binge. It started with buying two pieces of pizza at lunch. Then I had a chocolate bar and a donut. Then for dinner I went to McDonald;s, then had two icecreams and finished that off with a bag of easter candy I found that I had forgotten I bought. I am so ashamed - it must be about 5000 calories (or more??) that I ate that day. It's this type of behaviour that got me fat in the first place. Don't want to depress everyone - I just want to be accountable because that's part of this whole journey.

Today I am going to eat reasonably but off protocol and get prepared to start P2 again. I am going to cut all my vegetables and cook my chicken and shrimp. That's what I did not do this time - I didn't put the preparation in. I have to realize what's important here and that's getting the rest of this weight off. I seem to "carry" weight well as it is evenly proportioned and most people woulf not guess right now that I am not over 200. Well I am and I can see it especially without clothes. My own husband doesn't even know what I weigh - I've always been too ashamed to tell him. He says to me "...well now that you weigh about 180 you can't give up. You have to keep going." He has no clue. I got too caught up in the "well I've lost 32.5" pounds and am getting compliments so this round will be easier. Well it isn't. I am using the spray this time instead of the injections. I have definitely noticed that using the spray I am not hungry when I am strictly on protocol. Whereas with the injections I was madly hungry the first week of P2. With the spray there is no hunger but the cravings are wild and maddening.

My pity party is over. I need to deal with the life setbacks in a much different way. I turned to what I know best and a lot of it is hormonally charged.