“Set Yourself Free” by Ralph Marston"

---"There is no outside force holding you back. You are holding you back and you are blaming it on someone or something else. The way you are able to continue holding yourself back is by maintaining the illusion that you're a victim. Once you realize that illusion, you will naturally and easily move forward. In fact, it is easier to fulfill your best possibilities than it is to avoid them. So let go of the blame and watch the limitations drop away. Certainly there will always be challenges that hold you back. For each challenge provides you with a pathway through which you can move toward fulfillment. It is your very nature to accomplish. Lovingly accept your destiny, and allow that accomplishment to be manifest through you. Set yourself free to follow your purpose. Set yourself free to truly live."

Friday, June 25, 2010

VLCD 24 ( R2 P2 ) 195.6

I would recommend to the entire HCG community NOT to order HCG spray. I really don't know what's in it but it's not working for me. Some days I'm fine and then other days by the evening I'm absolutely RAVENOUS. I haven't lost any more weight and I'm tired and frustrated and I think it's time to call it quits for R2P2. I will try to do my three days of no hcg spray and then get on P3. I'm taking the kids on a mini vacation on Tuesday. W e will stay for Canada Day (July 1) and then maybe a few more days at a hotel. I got my tax refund back so we have a bit of *mad* money to play with.

I ordered a new batch of HCG injections and am waiting for them to arrive. I am really hoping the package makes it through customs.

Father's day was last Sunday and for some reason it really affected me this year whereas other years I kind of just put it out of my mind. My father is living and lives close to me so is still in my life but I never had in the past as a child or currently as an adult a relationship with my father. He was always *jsut there* but I was never close to him. We never talked, we always disagreed and being the oldest of five children I had a lot of resentment towards him. He was mean, volatile and just a miserable person in general. As a grandfather he is much better with my children than he was with us kids as a father. But for some reason it still lingers and stings and Sunday I took it hard. Maybe part of it was hormonal but I long for the *what if's* and what it *could* have been like and what I missed out on by not having a good father-daughter relationship. I didn't cheat on protocol that day but it set the tone for the rest of the week.

On a more positive note, I finally signed my letter for my new position and work and the director gave me a 12% increase. I'm going way out of my comfort zone with this new job and the anticipation of change and the fear of not measuring up to the expectations that they have for me in this new role is causing me to internalize some stress. Plus being *really* hungry every night doesn't help. I've been having a handful of potato chips or some extra protein or an extra fruit and it's stalled the weight loss. Plus the sunburn I had and all the lotion I slathered on also caused a bit of a gain but definitely stalled any loss.

So, I'll be on P3 for a while I think. Or unless I take an interruption and get right back on P2 when my new shipment of injections arrrive. We'll see. But I definitley don't want to gain back any of the weight lost in R1 so I'm going to plan accordingly.

Sorry for the long post and congrats if you've made it this far. Just sort of rambling. Have lots of change going on now and am entering some new unchartered territory while at the same time dealing with the past. I still have at *least* 40 pounds to go and will get there. Slowly but surely.

Saturday, June 19, 2010

VLCD 18 ( R2 P2 ) : 193.8

Another 0.6 pound loss - I'll take it.

Spent today at the waterslide park again - I'm so glad I bought the season pass. The girls love it there. I pack them a cooler and a ton of water for me. I brought them subway today so there was no extra food for me to be tempted by. It was great exercise walking up the steep hills but I can really feel my muscles are weak. I guess that is to be expected as per what it says in the protocol.

I sprayed on a ton of SPF 35 so that I wouldn't get burnt again. I hope that the spray doesn't have an affect on the weight loss. It's going down slowly but surely.

Friday, June 18, 2010

VLCD 17 ( R2 P2 ) : 194.4

Lost o.4 of a pound yesterday. I'll take it - better than a gain.
So the weekend is coming up and it's always hard for me not having the daily work schedule to keep me away from food prep.

What's really keeping me going though is that I don't want to have to recover from a cheat gain.
It would be great if I could get down to 185 this P2 considering that I've botched the first half of this round. I'm thinking of taking the kids to Canada's Wonderland on June 27 so I'd like to be on P3 by then or the day after. That's only 9 more days so I don't think the 185 is reachable. But, maybe I'll change my mind and try to stay on P2 while on vacation but that might not be a good idea. We'll see.

Cheating and going off protocol is just not worth it for me. But getting back on track is the main thing in the long run. Sending good loss or stabilizing vibes to everyone this weekend.

Thursday, June 17, 2010

VLCD 16 ( R2 P2 ) : 194.8

Lost another pound - it's good to see the numbers finally starting to go down again.

It's national Aboriginal Day today and they had live bands and a bbq lunch outside. I bought an Elk sausage, split it in half, removed the bun and had tomato and onions on the side. That was the best selection I had to choose from. I think it will be okay.

I'm trying my best to get the water in - as many ounces as I can. But I seriously think I'm going to start to float.

Wednesday, June 16, 2010

VLCD 15 (2nd post today)

No weigh-in until tomorrow morning but I just had to share with you guys that ..... I GOT THE JOB!!

I was in shock today when my soon-to-be new director told me. He came by and I was on the phone so I called him up after and said that I had seen him come by and asked what I could do for him. He said to come down to his office and that's when he told me. I think I'm happy but really not too sure. A promotion is what I've been working for all these years but I really think the extra weight really affected my self perception and my confidence and also how I came across to other people. I know I'm by no means "thin" or "skinny" yet but 195 looks good on me and I think losing this 35 pounds so far has made a huge difference in a lot of areas of my life. I've mastered getting under 200 which has been an unreachable goal for so long.

It's funny that I haven't been feeling well the past few days with the sunburn and all and on the day of the interview I had to rush to the washroom and almost didn't make it just 10 minutes before the interview. I kept thinking that I would be late showing up and the interview panel woudl be sitting there waiting for me and I would be stuck in the washroom. Oh well. It went great beyond my expectations anyways. The director told me today that he was so extremely impressed with me that he doesn't think he could have done any better himself. My confidence level has gone so upwards because of this. Although it won't be a big salary increase what it does do is put me into the next salary bracket where the maximum is 25K higher than the bracket I'm in now. It will be a while but I can only go up in salary from here.

At the same time, even though my confidence has gone up that they *picked* me, I'm still scared to death of the change and what it entails. I am a good worker but I'm not sure of this new director and his style. I've always had a great working relationship that isn't militaristic or hierarchical with any other manager I've had. But with this person, I'm not too sure. He seems a little "old school" but I figure I need to take this leap. It's not my *dream* job but I'm sure it will open new doors for new opportunites.

Sorry to blabber on about this. I'm just so happy. And I think this weight loss journey has played a big part in getting to this point. I did everything right in the past in terms of working hard and networking and getting really good reviews but I really think I was lacking the confidence to get noticed for a promotion. The weight loss so far has put a lot more things into perspective for me.

Thanks ladies for all your support. It means so so much to me. I'm sending good loss or stabilitzing vibes to everyone.

VLCD 15 ( R2 P2 ) : 195.9

Still dealing with the bad sunburn. It's no joke that when I touch my skin it still feels hot. It's extremely uncomfortable but I'm dealing with it. The sunburn has stalled the weight loss a bit I think. It's either that or the massive amount of afterburn cream I slathered onto my arms and shoulders. I'm staying on protocol strictly but I'm sooooo tired in the mornings and bitchy when I come home in the evening because I'm so tired. I think I'll start taking the B12 tablets again.

I went for another job interview yesterday which woudl mean a promotion. I'm not sure if I even will like the job (it's similar to what I'm doing now). However, it will mean going up into the next salary bracket and I guess in order to get there I may need to take a leap and see where it brings me.

I am terribly afraid of change. I'd rather be miserable in familiar territory than to leave behind what I know. It's not in all cases but particularly true in my work life. I'll find out tomorrow if I get the job or not. We'll see. I wanted the previous job that I had applied for more than this one but I'm a huge believer in you'll end up where you're meant to be in that particular time and place.

I feel skinny today. I know at 195 pounds it's not but I think I look good. It's weird how depending upon what you wear some days you just feel thinner. I had my photo taken for my season pass card at the water park this past Sunday and I didn't recognize myself when I looked at the pic. No more chinnage action going on and my face looks quite slim. That's a good feeling. Now if I could just lose the stomach.

Monday, June 14, 2010

VLCD 13 ( R2 P2 ): 197.4

Thank you all you fine ladies for the words of encouragement. It means a lot to have you guys rooting for me.

I am proud to say that I stayed on protocol strictly all day yesterday and drank a TON of water. Had lots of fun- the only issue was having to go pee every half hour. I put on my bathing suit ( a tankini) and got a major sunburn all down my arms and top of my back. Dealing with the pain today and put on some afterburn lotion this morning. Then I freaked out because I didn't look at the ingredients of the lotion. Oh well - time will tell on that one.

It was amazing what a difference a loss of 35 pounds makes when rolling or carrying inner tubes up ski hills to get to the top of the mountains. My 2-year old is 33 pounds and I kept thinking that having that extra 34 pounds on me is like picking up my 2 year old and carrying her all the way up the hill with me. I fully participated yesterday whereas before I would always stay in the kiddy section and watch the youngest child. Yesterday I went on all the slides with my older 2 girls and had a blast without feeling self conscious. There is a sign there saying the maximum capacity per innertube is 250 pounds. I was able to fit myself and one of my daughters on one tube without having to worry. If I lost 45 more pounds then all three of us could go together.

My lunch today was chicken breast, tomatos and red onion. My snack was 2 breadsticks and this afternoon i will have an apple. Plus more water.

Sunday, June 13, 2010

VLDC 12 ( R2 P2 ) : 197.4

Okay - I'm STRUGGLING - big time. I am having a really hard time sticking to the protocol. I cheated on Thursday night and Friday night when we went to the kids' fun fairs (each girl had one each on Thurs and Fri). So all day Thurs I was on protocol strict with lots of water and then we we got to the fun fair I had a hamburger with just one side of the bun. I was so hungry I got another one and did the same thing. My daughter won a cake in the cake walk and the icing was just calling my name. I ended up licking the icing off the reaming pieces of the cake. Very bad eating impulses - I know. So then Friday I was back on plan all day and at the fun fair that night they had a bake sale table. I was good for a while then I bought four cookies and ate them. Then I had a chicken burger. So Saturday I woke up to a 3.8 pound gain.

Yesterday (Saturday) I got back on track and had a 2.5 pound loss. The whole problem on Thurs and Fri is that I didn't plan and bring my dinner with me. I thought I could wait until after but the hunger and temptation won out.

Today we're going to the water park all day with a cooler. I am packing my lunch and will drink a gazillion bottles of water before I eat any of the chips or cheesies I packed with the childrens; picnic. Putting my bathing suit on today will be a reality/wake-up call that I need to get real about getting the rest of this weight off. Yesterday was nice because I drank so much water and ate strictly on protocol that I wasn't even hungry - I felt so full it was actually hard to eat all of my sald at dinner.

Thursday, June 10, 2010

VLCD 9 ( R2 P2 ): 195.9

Why isn't the weight coming off faster???

Since VLCD number 1 of this round I have lost 7.3 pounds. (started at 203.2) I know that it's 7.3 pounds in 8 days. BUT .......I've only lost 1.1 pounds since from day 5 to day 9 (this morning).

I'm trying to keep the faith. Maybe it's the spray is not working as well for me as the injections. I think I'll increase the number of times I spray per day. The bottle says to do 7 sprays three X per day. But most days I just do it 2x.

When I see the poundage going down it's so much easier to just stay strict but when it's only been one pound in 4 days that sucks and the frustration starts to creep in.

It's day 2 of TOM and I have never really had any physical symptoms in the past just the emotional/hormonal moodswings and bad ones. But at the beginning of this week I had terrible painful cramping that actually caused me to stop and sit and take a time out while grocery shopping. Yesterday I had a migraine and today it's still here.

It's wierd because in R1 I would have been estatic to see 195 on the scales. But now that I've gotten down into new territory, it seems such a high number. I am going to stick it out and charge through today and tomorrow. I made a ground chicken burger for lunch with onions and I'm excited to eat it. All good things come in time - patience, patience I keep telling myself!!

Sunday, June 6, 2010

VLCD 5 ( R2 P2 ) : 197.0

Still drinking * a lot* of water. I think I'm going to float away.

Strange observation: I think my foot has shrunk a size. Is that possible? All my shoes that don't have a strap are too big now. I almost broke my leg when I was walking and my foot slipped out of my shoe. I went to the mall last night with the baby (not a wise decision) but anyways saw a pair of leopard print high heels on sale for a ridiculously low price. I was dissapointed when I saw they only had a size 9 because I've always been a size 10. Well I tried them on and they fit. I tried on a 10 in few more pairs and they were way too big. But if they were high heel sandals with an adjustable strap then they fit. So I bought the leopard heels as a present from me to me. I'm so fascinated with shoes lately. I never used to pay too much attention to my footwear before but now I have a thing with buying sexy looking shoes. Something about having on a pair of shiny heels that makes me feel so good. I think it's because I'm wearing skirts and dresses more whereas before I would NEVER wear them on a regular basis.

Hope everyone is having a good weekend. Sending good loss or stabilization vibes to you guys.

Saturday, June 5, 2010

VLCD 4 ( R2 P2 ) : 197.7

Finally - it's my first pound lost in a new round. I feel good and no real hunger. The cravings are still there but manageable. I feel at such a better place emotionally. The issues are still there and I am working on fixing them. One step at a time. Hormones affect my mood and outlook drastically.

I don't know what phase the moon is in but yesterday I had two requests for interviews. The director that reposted the position because he wanted to find a Spanish speaking person came to see me yesterday and said I'm screened in and won't have to do another interview this round. I don't get it but I think he's keeping me on the back burner just in case he doesn't find *that* person. It's time for a change in my work life and there are a couple of irons in the fire but for now I'm blooming where I'm planted.

Friday, June 4, 2010

VLCD 3 ( R2 P 2) : 199.5

Back to onederland again. I have been drinking *alot* of water.

I had a conversation yesterday with someone about hcg spray. She said it is most likely giving me a placebo effect and that I should go back on injections. I did prefer injections but living in Canada, it's extremely hard to receive your package without it being confiscated or returned by customs.

I ordered the spray off ebay back in January. The person I spoke with yesterday said that I have no guarantee of what's in the spray bottle. I don't know. I feel the same as I did on R1 when I used injections. I'm a little less hungry this round but the cravings are worse. So I don't know. The ebay seller has a 100% satisfaction rating but maybe that's just for shipping and receipt satisfaction and not for satisfaction with the actual product. Maybe people who ordered the spray and started the protocol think they just quit the diet and not because of the quality of the spray.

I should not have had that conversation because now I'm wondering if it really is just a placebo effect with the spray this round. But I don't think I woudl be able to function on just 500 calories if the spray did not have the essence of hcg in it.

Anyways, I'm happy with my progress and will keep on truckin'.

Thursday, June 3, 2010

VLCD 2 ( R2 P2 ): 200.7

Hi everyone. I've got my mojo back. It was last Thursday that I got off protocol with that damned pizza but today it's chicken breast and vegetables for lunch. Thanks everyone for your supportive comments.

I'd like to leave a comment for Zak at http://putthedamnforkdown.blogspot.com/?zx=4cf787c36f70f051 . If you happen to read this Zak - your comments aren't turned on.

Starting Over - VLCD 1 ( R2 P2 ) : 203.2

Back on the HCG train. Using hcg spray. Chicken and veggies for lunch and the same for dinner. Had 4 protocol approved breadsticks together as a snack. It didn't seem to do any damage on the scale.