“Set Yourself Free” by Ralph Marston"

---"There is no outside force holding you back. You are holding you back and you are blaming it on someone or something else. The way you are able to continue holding yourself back is by maintaining the illusion that you're a victim. Once you realize that illusion, you will naturally and easily move forward. In fact, it is easier to fulfill your best possibilities than it is to avoid them. So let go of the blame and watch the limitations drop away. Certainly there will always be challenges that hold you back. For each challenge provides you with a pathway through which you can move toward fulfillment. It is your very nature to accomplish. Lovingly accept your destiny, and allow that accomplishment to be manifest through you. Set yourself free to follow your purpose. Set yourself free to truly live."

Saturday, August 28, 2010

Day 2 ( R2 P3 ) 191.5

Hi folks,
My apologies for the absenteeism. Things have been crazy busy especially with my new position at work. I sometimes regret taking on this job even though it was a promotion because it is one of those jobs that is analagous to a *fixer-upper* house. Lots of issues to resolve and no budget or resources to do that. Put I am plugging away and keeping the possibility of other options open. Ive been trying to check in on you guys now and then and am wishing good losing or stabilizing vibes to everyone.

The weight I have decided to start P3 with is 191.5. I did see 188 on the scales but I kept hovering between 188 and 192 mostly losing the same 4 pounds over and over again in the last week or so. Being itchy as all hell doesnt help and I am going to a dermatologist next week because Im convinced Ive contracted fleas or cooties or something but its just on my inside forearms, neck, side of my face and head. Very bizarre but you know its bad when you actually have to go to the washroom so that you can scratch in private. Its gotten that bad.

So I am happy with 191.5. It makes an official 40 pounds lost. This is the smallest I have been in a long long time. And now to get to a goal of 145 I only have 46.5 pounds left to lose. Thats a far cry from the 125 pounds I had to lose when i was at an all time high of 269.9.

So even though I have only lost 7.1 pounds on R2 those 7.1 pounds were hard earned through blood sweat and tears. Ok well maybe not blood but the point is Ive made it through, my eating habits have changed for the better and I have so much more self control. The bonus is that I am getting further and further away from the 200 mark and at 191.5 its quite possible that I will never see it again.

We went to an exhibition yesterday which I guess is similar to a county fair and I had a sausage no bun. I was able to avoid all the carnival foods and even though the smells were so tempting I was okay with my sausage and some cashews. Thats a huge improvement - actually a gazillion times better than last summer.

I booked my registration for the baby bar exam on October 26th in Oakland. I am looking for a good deal on a flight but the more I read about Oakland I wish I had picked Los Angeles as the test centre instead. I thought Oakland would be nice because its so close to San Fran but the more i read about the high crime rate, Im starting to get anxiety about staying there and about my safety. Has anyone ever been to Oakland and if so, is it really as bad as Im reading about...

Sending good loss or stabilitzation vibes to everyone.

Wednesday, August 11, 2010

VLCD 24 ( R2 P2 ) : 196.9

Things are going well - I started protocol strictly on Monday and am remaining strong.

I have 16 injections left and want to slavage the end of this round and make the most of it. round. I will post again when I reach 189 - hopefully soon and that will be wonderful. 186 would be ideal but we'll see - not sure what this body can do.

Has anyone experienced itchiness on protocol. I did in the first round and now it's gotten worse. When I was pregnant with my third child I was so itchy I felt like my skin was crawling. Could it be the hcg in both situations? Not sure but I wish it would subside.

Sending good loss or stabiliziation vibes to everyone.

Monday, August 9, 2010

VLCD 22 ( R2 P2 ): 199.8

It's not 200 but close. Today is day 5 of TOM. On Friday night I got home and was so tired but we brought my 7 year old to her soccer game and I ate P2 clean. I went immediately to bed after that. Saturday I was still very lethargic and was trying to clean my house for the in-laws' arrival on Sunday. I had that *am I about to throw up feeling* and a sore throat all day and didn't eat anything. I had not injected since Wednesday. The mistake I made was waking up Saturday evening absolutely starving and the kids wanted my time after being with dad all day and it was dinner time. I took them to the park and then for a slice of pizza. I ate a slice of pizza with them. Sunday morning I woke up to a gain and then thought wth - since my inlaws are coming I might as well enjoy the dinner out with them. They arrived late and we ended up going to a Chinese buffet instead of the restaurant down town. Then after that I went to the drug store for Tylenol and bought a chocolate bar x2. This morning I had wicked heartburn and the sad thing is that nothing I ated tasted good. It was all *blah* with no real taste at all. I don't know if I'm sick or what but the food was not *enticing* like it used to be. It just all tasted bland and I was full right away after eating not too much.

I injected this morning and have 18 injections left. I declined lunch out today for a co-worker's celebratory good wishes for her transfer to another department. If she was leaving the company I would go but she's still in the building and I will still see her often. But, I don't want to try to find something P2 to eat at the Texan food restaurant - they're all going to Lone Star - fajitas, enchilladas etc., chips and salsa etc.

So with 18 injections left (counted them this morning), I am putting up the steel curtain zone of committment ( i adapted this term from the blog Daily Diary of a Winning Loser). I don't like to be depressing on this blog but I started writing for the accountability and want to be honest about my journey. Life has it's ups and downs and even though I felt *down* and still do (it's hormonal) and tired and worn out, I will not quit.

Thursday, August 5, 2010

VLCD 18 ( R1 P2 ): 195.9

Arrrghhh - it seems like I've been plateauing in the mid '90's for quite some time now. Don't get me wrong - I am soooo glad to be out of the 200's but I want to get further and further away from that number.

I had a garden chicken salad at Pizza Hut last night and there were some croutons in it. I think that may be the problem here is that I need to be SUPER strict. That's the plan. I'm trying so hard to stay strong but it's the little slip-ups that cause the stalling. I skipped an injection today just in case as so far I didn't skip one a week like I had done in R1.

Sending good loss or stabilization vibes to everyone.

Tuesday, August 3, 2010

VLCD 16 ( R2 P2 ) : 196.2

Back to work today after a long weekend. It sure was hard to get out of bed this morning - I always overwork myself on weekends. My 2 year-old fell out of my bed this morning at 4 am and really banged her head hard. I stayed up since 4am because I wanted to check on her to make sure she was alright.

I felt my stomach rumbling and was actually physically hungry. But I didn't bother to eat anything. I just thought it would led to overeating so I layed next to her in bed wide awake and hungry. It will be early to bed tonight for sure.

Monday, August 2, 2010

VLCD 15 ( R2 P2 ) : 196.9

Today is my 2nd wedding anniversary we got married in Vegas two years ago today. My only regret is that I wore a black short sleeve dress to our wedding. I thought I could buy something to wear when we got there but at the time I was about 223 pounds and really couldnt find anything good to wear that wasnt sleeveless so I had to wear a dress from my suitcase. My youngest was six months at the time so it was kind of an unplanned trip. I just got too frustrated shopping for a dress and I just thought I looked too fat in whatever I tried on - everything was sleeveless. I can not wear sleeveless because I have abnormal flab on the tops of my arms -it almost looks like the skin that a turkey has on its chin. So anyways I cannot dwell on that. I thought I looked nice despite the fact that it is probably not good superstitious wise to get married in black. The photos turned out nice and I wore high heeled silver sandals. We went to dinner after the ceremony at Les Auberges in the Paris hotel and then went to see the Eiffel tower - very cool.

My favourite flower is the Sunflower and I awoke to some really nice ones in the kitchen in a vase with a beautiful card. It has been a rough two years but we are really working on working through our issues and are still together suprisingly.

The offer was to go for a steak dinner at the Keg. It is a civic holiday here in Ontario today so it would have been nice but I declined because I just do not want to be tempted with overeating. Yes, I could order an 8 oz steak and cut it in half and have salad or veggies on the side but I do not know what they put on steak and I do not trust that it will be *protocol clean* if I make a special order. Plus we had bbq steak last night I put away 3.5 oz for dinner againt tonight.

I have been painting my daughters room since about 11 this morning and am sweating like a bulldog. I need to buy an edger but all the stores are closed today. So I have left the edges at the top and bottom until I can buy one. I am not skilled enought to just use a brush and not get it on the baseboards and ceiling. She will be home from camp next Sunday and I want to surprise her. So I have some time to do the finishing touches before then. She wanted blue because she says she is not into the *girly* pink. I am just hoping it does not end up looking like a baby boys nursery with the blue that I have chosen. I got her a new duvet cover and a beautiful blue lamp so it should look alright when I am done.

So back to guzzling water now. I feel like I should be further along with the weight loss but I am taking it for what it is considering that I had a previous failed attempt at P2 and went up to 207 with the loading. One day at a time is all I keep thinking. I am eating clean and it will be slow but sure. (sorry for the bad grammar - i cannot use apostrophes on this damned laptop - have not figured out how to change the language settings from french to english yet!!!)

Sending good loss or stabilizing vibes to everyone.