Day 19 ( R1 P3 ) : 199.9

Nice to see the drop. You're all correct about the effect seeing the bounce between 198-199-200-201 has on the psyche. I think maybe I will go the full P4 just so it wont' be as hard and then gear up for a strong R2P2.

I took the three girls to an old fashioned pizza joint last night - their choice and then to bowling at the alley next to the restaurant. It was glow-in-the-dark bowling and they had a blast. I had my hands full with a two year old as her attention span only lasts for two games and not the whole 10. I was very impressed with how well behaved she was at the restuautant - only one spilled drink. But she was hungry so I think that's why she was more focused.

My husband and I are still not speaking. It's hard - I'm disappointed that he's not trying harder. He's still working nights for 3-4 hrs but he's staying home all day and watching naked girls with huge hooters on the computer and the baby is in daycare. He has a masters degree in public admin and should have no problem getting steady work so there are no excuses. I could have really used his help last night with taking the girls out but it's just not worth the hassle of the possible arguing and fighting in public or in front of the girls. It's come to a point where I have to make a decision of what I want here. It's really come to the forefront for me that I want more than this from a relationship. Maybe it's the finances that have taken such a huge toll over the past two years but he also suffered from a traumatic brain injury back in 1996 from a car accident that has left him with for lack of a better way to put it - a deficient social filter. He is very regimented and his way is the right way. He very much models his parent's relationship - very tumultous but they have been together 42 year with tons of fighting and unhappiness unitl now they are a place of mutual acceptance. I don't want to wait 42 years to reach a place where you realize your marriage has taken that long to grow to a place where you realize you're not right for each other but you're all each other has so you might as well accept it. We have been together almost 4 years. This is both our first marriage but my first two children are from a previous 7 year relationship that was a complete disaster. Sometimes I wonder what I'm really afraid to admit is that maybe my current marriage is just a rebound from the last relationship and that I moved into things too soon and didn't realize that although someone appears normal that the repercussions of a traumatic brain injury in a person are just too much to handle.

I'm at a point now - sounds weird - that I'm just waking up from a fog and realizing that I have a lot of regrets that I could have made better decisions. I'm getting the house appraised on May 15th just so I know what it's worth and if I sold it how much equity I have to consider maybe moving to a smaller place. So very bizarre to be dealing with but the one thing I'm proud of is that I'm a good mom but I am now putting myself first. The weight loss is so important for me to be a better mother to my girls and I am not dealing with all of these issues by overeating and I am not using food as a distraction. Sorry for the long post and I'm amazed if you're still reading this. Maybe this will help putting these issues out there.