“Set Yourself Free” by Ralph Marston"

---"There is no outside force holding you back. You are holding you back and you are blaming it on someone or something else. The way you are able to continue holding yourself back is by maintaining the illusion that you're a victim. Once you realize that illusion, you will naturally and easily move forward. In fact, it is easier to fulfill your best possibilities than it is to avoid them. So let go of the blame and watch the limitations drop away. Certainly there will always be challenges that hold you back. For each challenge provides you with a pathway through which you can move toward fulfillment. It is your very nature to accomplish. Lovingly accept your destiny, and allow that accomplishment to be manifest through you. Set yourself free to follow your purpose. Set yourself free to truly live."

Sunday, May 2, 2010

Day 19 ( R1 P3 ) : 199.9

Nice to see the drop. You're all correct about the effect seeing the bounce between 198-199-200-201 has on the psyche. I think maybe I will go the full P4 just so it wont' be as hard and then gear up for a strong R2P2.

I took the three girls to an old fashioned pizza joint last night - their choice and then to bowling at the alley next to the restaurant. It was glow-in-the-dark bowling and they had a blast. I had my hands full with a two year old as her attention span only lasts for two games and not the whole 10. I was very impressed with how well behaved she was at the restuautant - only one spilled drink. But she was hungry so I think that's why she was more focused.

My husband and I are still not speaking. It's hard - I'm disappointed that he's not trying harder. He's still working nights for 3-4 hrs but he's staying home all day and watching naked girls with huge hooters on the computer and the baby is in daycare. He has a masters degree in public admin and should have no problem getting steady work so there are no excuses. I could have really used his help last night with taking the girls out but it's just not worth the hassle of the possible arguing and fighting in public or in front of the girls. It's come to a point where I have to make a decision of what I want here. It's really come to the forefront for me that I want more than this from a relationship. Maybe it's the finances that have taken such a huge toll over the past two years but he also suffered from a traumatic brain injury back in 1996 from a car accident that has left him with for lack of a better way to put it - a deficient social filter. He is very regimented and his way is the right way. He very much models his parent's relationship - very tumultous but they have been together 42 year with tons of fighting and unhappiness unitl now they are a place of mutual acceptance. I don't want to wait 42 years to reach a place where you realize your marriage has taken that long to grow to a place where you realize you're not right for each other but you're all each other has so you might as well accept it. We have been together almost 4 years. This is both our first marriage but my first two children are from a previous 7 year relationship that was a complete disaster. Sometimes I wonder what I'm really afraid to admit is that maybe my current marriage is just a rebound from the last relationship and that I moved into things too soon and didn't realize that although someone appears normal that the repercussions of a traumatic brain injury in a person are just too much to handle.

I'm at a point now - sounds weird - that I'm just waking up from a fog and realizing that I have a lot of regrets that I could have made better decisions. I'm getting the house appraised on May 15th just so I know what it's worth and if I sold it how much equity I have to consider maybe moving to a smaller place. So very bizarre to be dealing with but the one thing I'm proud of is that I'm a good mom but I am now putting myself first. The weight loss is so important for me to be a better mother to my girls and I am not dealing with all of these issues by overeating and I am not using food as a distraction. Sorry for the long post and I'm amazed if you're still reading this. Maybe this will help putting these issues out there.


  1. Wow, I'm so sorry. It must be hell. I understand the part of coming out of a fog. You've been committed to finally taking care of yourself. Waking up to those emotional needs that have been neglected can be quite the eye opener.

    Do you know a good Realtor? If not, let me know. I can refer someone to you who can help if it comes to that.

    *HUG* hang in there!

  2. oh Kathryn- my heart goes out to you. Have the 2 of you tried counseling? You are making good decisions for yourself and your girls. Does your husband see a therapist because of his brain injury, or is he on any medications?

    Coming out of a fog is a good way to describe what it feels like with losing weight. While you are overweight, you keep making short-term decisions that can sometimes be reactions to situations, rather than really thinking about long-term ramifications of those decisions. I do know what it is like to eat because those around you make you feel less than zero, or tell you that no one else would be attracted to you. When you start losing weight, and feeling better about yourself, and stronger emotionally, you will make better decisions for yourself and those around you. You will not tolerate certain behaviors from yourself or those around you, that you did before. They will either have to change or leave. Or you will leave. I left the man I am talking about while I was still heavy, and that was the best decision for me. I now have a wonderful husband who loves me big or small.

    I always refer to what Maya Angelou says, "When we know better, we do better." I'll extrapolate that to mean when we are aware of our value as persons, we will make better decisions for ourselves and those we love. You made a decision to be with this man based on your circumstances then. Now is another time. I'm not saying you should leave him, nor am I saying to stay. Only you can make that decision. However, if you two can seek counseling, or if he won't go, if you could see a therapist and work with them for awhile, I really believe that your answers would come to you.

    You are in my prayers, and I'm sending you LOTS of BIG, BIG hugs my friend....

  3. Thanks to both of you for your heartfelt comments. Having this support means more than you know. Yes, we did go to counselling - a sex therapit - for the porn issue. I left him a week before my third child was born because in a fit of anger he told me that he wouldn't look at porn if I wasn't so fat. When we met in 2006 I had started to change and went down to just about the weight I am now. It was the first time in years that I felt fantastic. Then I got pregnant and gained the weight back but I never go as big (even 9 mos pregnant) that I was when I was my heaviest in 2000 - 269. I know he loves me but the behaviour is just unacceptable and he's frustrated and I'm frustrated and when I saw he was looking at porn again last week I just lost it. I don't know if this can be fixed but I'm considering my options and I will make an informed, unemotional decision about what I am going to do. We may go to therapy because he just recently started seeing a brain injury specialist after all these years. For now, I'm focusing on losing the rest of the weight, getting a promotion at work and doing what I can to renovate small projects on a budget to get the best price for the house. I had a new furnace and air conditioner installed last year, and now I need a roof if I decide to sell. It is just my name on the mortgage but both of ours on the deed so that will be tricky if I choose the selling route. I just ripped up the bathroom floor this weekend with my father because there was a leak under the toilet and I am going to lay down some new cermaic tile and paint. It should give it a fresh face. Just one step at a time.

  4. My heart goes out to you. Hang in there and take care of yourself! You know I started blogging for many of the same reasons and things you are describing. I really needed an outlet. My marriage sucks. Things changed after we had a baby and he didn't have the control he had before. I look at him and our future differently now. I just try to take one day at a time and I am moving forward pulling myself together. I will be looking for work in a few months when she turns 3. Not sure what will happen then...my therapist told me to have a plan though. Doesn't mean I have to use it ;)

  5. you sound lik eyou ARE coming out of the fog and he is being left behind in his addiction and you are dealing with yours. That is a rough spot to be in- he is in denial- blaming his addiction on you and your weight and you are facing your addiction and not blaming- but dealing- I am so proud of you for dealing with it and not suppressing it or making excuses! Your strength is inspiring! Keep up the good work- I am sad you are in a spot that seems toxic for you and most importantly the kids! Marriage is hard stuff- love is easy -marriage is hard!
    I like the plan idea- knowing where you are going or what you CAN do is smart- like you said it doesn't mean you have to use it!

  6. Hi Kathryn, I wanted to say I am going to do injections because I am A.D.D. about doing anything multiple times a day or having to hold something under my tongue with a 2 y/o hanging off me. I bought a 40 inj kit for $100 from yourhcgdiet.com. I am thinking of doing a short round, a planned interruption and then the next short round. I don't have enough info on this but I'm sure the gals will pipe in and help me out! I am going to post some books I love on my blog."Love is a Choice" is my fav for a million reasons.