“Set Yourself Free” by Ralph Marston"

---"There is no outside force holding you back. You are holding you back and you are blaming it on someone or something else. The way you are able to continue holding yourself back is by maintaining the illusion that you're a victim. Once you realize that illusion, you will naturally and easily move forward. In fact, it is easier to fulfill your best possibilities than it is to avoid them. So let go of the blame and watch the limitations drop away. Certainly there will always be challenges that hold you back. For each challenge provides you with a pathway through which you can move toward fulfillment. It is your very nature to accomplish. Lovingly accept your destiny, and allow that accomplishment to be manifest through you. Set yourself free to follow your purpose. Set yourself free to truly live."

Thursday, April 29, 2010

Day 16 ( R1 P3 ) 200.9

Up a little bit on the scale but not too concerned. I'll see what the scale says tomorrow morning.

Tuesday, April 27, 2010

Day 14 ( R1 P3 ): 199.8

Back down to +1.2 LIW. It's bizarre that after the amount of sugar and starch I ate Saturday that I did not gain any weight from that. But it's not something I want to experiment with further. I did not end up doing a steak day but last night I did have a huge steak for dinner.

I'm okay on P3 because there is such a variety of what I can eat. But I must say that my body did feel better on P2. My stomach did not feel unsettled and I didn't have to run to the bathroom suddenly like I have had to a few times on P3. I'm looking foward to the next round.

I'm finding that there's a lot of emotional bullshit rearing it's ugly head lately. I didn't ask for it but the weight loss seems to be bringing the emotional issues out front and centre. I don't know why and will have to think long and hard about it. Somedays I just feel like bursting out crying for no reason at all. While writing this what popped into my head is that I have missed out on so much and been in so much denial being fat. Obviously, I have some work to do.

Saturday, April 24, 2010

Day 11 ( R1 P 3 ) : 201.3

I hate having to post this number. I thought I was staying on track. I had caesar salad last night (no croutons) but hardly any protein with it. Maybe that's why. I'm 2.5 pounds over LIW and I'll probably see a higher number tomorrow. Sorry for this negative post - just have to vent. I had a shitty day with a capital "S".

I had my daugther's 7th birthday today at a gymnastics club and there was icecream cake. I had a piece and then when I came home had two more pieces of the leftovers. My husband pissed me off so badly and the party was going horribly and I gave in to eating to deal with the stress. For breakfast I had two boiled eggs, 3 pieces of bacon and 2 sausages. At the party I had one hotdog (no bun) and then I gave in to the cake. The party was from 12-2 and at noon my husband said he would go get the ketchup we forgot for the hotdogs I brought to the party and come right back and we would then decide where to order the pizza. He left me alone with a 2 year old and 14 other children and just took off and didn't show up again until 1:30. He brought back one pizza and the lunch started at 1 and he just strolled in with the one pizza at 1:30 like nothing happened. He thought because he had packed and unpacked the car that his work was done and he didn't need to do anything else. I don't know why it pissed me off so badly but I was so angry with him. I think I was already so frustrated with see the 200 number again that I said screw this and just ate the cake. Then this afternoon I had two pieces of bread with peanut butter and sugar free jam. We had a huge fight after the party and then the blame game started and all the stuff about the finances and how I don't know how to use money properly even though I'm the one that has the responsibility of paying the bills and keeping everything a float. I'm so ashamed to say that I threw the left-over hotdogs at him and the baby was asleep in the car while I did this and then he just opened the door and threw everthing out onto the road. So embarassing. So I don't know if it's hormonal or what but I know it is ovulation time so maybe that's it. But I don't know what to do now if I should just do a steak day tomorrow and try to recover from the possible weight gain.

Sorry for this depressing post and thanks for reading this far if you are still reading this. I have to get my moods under control and not let things get me so pissed off. I should have just taken care of ordering everything myself and left him there with the kids.

Wednesday, April 21, 2010

Day 8 ( R1 P3 ) : 199.9

Creeping up a little bit. Think I have to cut back on the cool-whip just in case. I like to have a couple of tbsp with some sugar-free jello and almonds mixed in.

Thanks for the advice on the TV. And you know what - I did deserve it given the hard work I have done staying on protocol for 47 days and losing 32.5 pounds. I got a year-end bonus from work so I felt a bit better about the expense. I paid $350 for a 32 inch LCD TV and then $25 for the environmental fee. With taxes it came to over $400 but I don't regret it. It's not a brand name TV but the picture is amazing. We're watching just the regular satellite channels but I have to investigate getting the HD terminal instead of just the regular digital box. Plus I need to find a higher table to put the TV on just to prevent the baby from getting too close. She's a handful but such a joy at the same time.

I bought two new summer dresses on the weekend. I also bought two short-sleeved sweater shrugs to cover my flabby arms but I must say I do look amazing in them. I brought them into the dressing room thinking that they wouldn't fit because they are just XL and not from a plus size store but they fit! I haven't felt so sexy looking in a long time. It's harder to get dressed in the morning though because I have so many clothes that are either too big or still a little too small from the days when I would buy clothes in smaller sizes because they were on sale and thinking I would get into them *some day*.

The only issue I'm having is feeling soooooo tired. I don't know if I'm having some sort of vitamin deficiency but I'm eating red meat so I don't think it's iron deficiency but I don't know. By 2 pm I feel like I could just pass out and fall asleep.

Monday, April 19, 2010

Day 6 ( R1 P3 ) 198.6

So glad that I am maintaining the loss.

Took today off. My 2-year old is cranky and still sick and slept from 6pm last night till 5 this morning. I didn't go to bed last night until after midnight so I am tired. I took the day off and brought her late to the daycare after the * TV episode * this morning.

Sshe sprayed the TV with the entire contents of the water spray bottle that I use for my hair to keep it curly in between washings. So now the TV is busted. It's a 1993 model so it is technically time for a new one but it worked perfectly. I don't see the sense in buying a new LCD or Plasma TV when the old one was working just fine. What I don't know I'm missing in the high-tech world won't hurt me. So now I have to decide if I take the smaller TV from storage and use that or just break down and buy a new one that we can't really afford to buy.

Arrrrrrrgh....it's days like this that make me stressed but I am not really interested in turning to food so that's a good thing. Before I would think , oh i'm stressed so I have an excuse to pig out.
It feels good to not have to turn to overeating to deal with life. I hope I can make this attitude permanent.

Sunday, April 18, 2010

Day 5 ( R1 P3 ) 199.4

I can't believe my weight is stable considering everything that I'm eating. I'm not measuring anything or counting calories but just going with eating when I feel hungry. Yesterday was a *girl's* day out shopping because I received a year end incentive bonus from work. The kids got new sneakers that I would normally never pay that much for and their hair cut. I bought 2 pairs of shoes.

Here's what I ate yesterday:

Breakfast : 2 scrambled egss ( with 1% milk), 2 pieces of bacon, small amount of ketchup

Lunch: small container of chili from Wendy's takeout. I wasn't too sure about the kidney beans but I figured the scale would let me know. Because I think kidney beans are *legumes* and are not alllowed.

Dinner: took the girls to a gourmet burger restaurant called "The Works". I ordered a bunless burger with onions, cheddar, bacon, avacado and mushrooms. When I asked they told me they don't put breadcrumbs or any bbq sauce on the burgers. They have over 200 varieties of toppings that you can have on a burger. For example, you can get one with brie cheese and a sliced pear. The girls had fries and I had a ceasar salad no croutons.

Late night snack: whipped cool whip topping with cashews.

I don't know if I am doing everything right eating-wise. I am simply trying to follow the protocol of *no sugar, no starch*. I check every morning to see if the weight is +/- 1 LIW. Yesterday it was 198,6 and today it's 199.4. I'm just taking it day by day. If you guys have any suggestions or if I'm not doing this right, let me know. Thanks!

Friday, April 16, 2010

Day 3 ( R1 P3) : 199.7

Staying about 1 pound over. I'm not feeling hungry or really looking for food at all. When it's time to eat, I eat because I'm hungry and not because I'm all excited about the opportunity to eat and wantto inhale everything that I possibly can. This is a huge change for me of eating only when I'm hungry and not overeating and I'm hoping it's not just because it's a good time in the hormonal cycle.

I had at the restaurant for my daughter's b-day I had a bunless burger with all the fixings and a bit of ketchup.
Then I had a 45 calorie no sugar fudgsicle and I wasn't sure what would happen but apparently nothing did. It did have some carb grams in it but definitely no sugar (it had malitol) and no starch that I could see on the ingredients.

This morning I had two homemade egg mcmuffin type sandwiches with bacon, egg, cheese and mayo and of course no bread. It was my turn to host the Fri morning breakfast at work and I made 18 egg patties (basically just scrambled eggs in a sprayed small circular tupperware container. I cut up fruit and cheese and tomatoes and lettuce. By 10:30 I was done and drove all the stuff to work and put it in the fridge and then went to the grocery store to pick up a pumpkin pie. I got home close to midnight and went to bed at about 1 am. So I was going non-stop all that time.

Without me knowing, my mom baked a spice cake with cream cheese frosting, an apple coffee cake and a bananna nut bread and put it in my car early this morning and called to let me know it was there. So there was so much food. I received raving compliments and everyone at work really chowed down and thoroughly enjoyed it. Not having any of the desserts did not bother me at all. I was shocked.

For lunch today I met my husband for a "lunch date" and I had rotisserie chicken and caesar salad. I was so full. Haven't had dinner yet but had a handful of almonds. My stomach is feeling a bit better but I feel "greasy" which is hard to explain but I'm going to take Nikki's advice and go to the pharamacy tonight.

I'm really hoping that this feeling of not really caring about eating and not being obsessed about it is not just a fluke and that I can feel like this for all of P3.

Thursday, April 15, 2010

Day 2 ( R1 P3) : 199.8

Tried to make the Oopsie rolls. Broke my mixer trying to get the egg whites to make stiff peaks.
It's one of those all in one hand mixers. I'm going to buy a hand mixer with beaters and hopefully that will make a difference. I put the runny batter into muffin cups and they came out all right.

My tummy hurts! I haven't really been that hungry but for breakfast this morning I had egg salad and for lunch I had the cheese and toppings off two pieces of pizza that they sell here at work every Thursday. I ditched the crust.

Today is my middle daughter's 7th birthday. She wants to go out for dinner so I think I'll let them order cake at the restaurant. That way I won't be tempted by having to buy a cake and bring it home and cut it.

I'm having a hard time finding HCG injections from buyers who will ship to Canada. Customs seems to be really cracking down as of late. Not sure why or if it's just for HCG that they're getting more agressive in checking but I don't want to order and have to wait 8 weeks wondering if customs will ever release the parcel or if they will just confiscate it and destroy the contents.

Does anyone have any recommendations for low-carb tortillas?

Tuesday, April 13, 2010

VLCD 49: 199.2 ( R 1 P 2) Day 2 no injection

Not sure about the weigh-in this morning. I was very quick and had to rush off to write an exam for 8:30. I took the day off and went to write a "situational judgement" test for a job competition with a government department that I applied for. Left the house at 7 am to catch the bus since there would be very limited parking downtown. My two year old was up all night puking with a fever so it took a toll on me and my sleep. My hubby had to stay home this morning from work and he went in the afternoon. We're both sooooo tired today and it's day 2 of TOM so I'm not feeling the greatest.

I am about to make some "Oopsie" rolls now for tomorrow's lunch. Was out of eggs so just sent my hubby to pick some up.

I am extremely nervous about starting P3. I wish I had just a little more leeway with the +/-2 LIW so that I never see the 200 number again. Doing some research and really trying to plan what I'm going to eat on P3 so that I don't get distracted and off track.

Sunday, April 11, 2010

VLCD 47: 198.6 ( R1 P2)

WOW! 198.6. I have not seen below 200 in at least 17 years. It's funny- when I look in the mirror I still see the same person. I need to change that. I think the vision I had in my head even when I was as big as 269 in the year 2000 was of a much smaller person - the image in my head didn't match reality. I only realized how big I was when I saw a pic of myself and then quickly got rid of the pic or hid it away. Then I just kept on eating and wishing I could be thin.

There's a lot of emotions that come withreaching this new territory. A big fear is not being able to keep the weight off and regaining. I have a LOT of stress in my life - work, finances, marital relationship issues that need to be worked out but it feels like conquering the weight is the best thing that I can do for myself first and then maybe everthing else will get easier from there.

This morning was my last injection. I am thinking of possibly continuing P2 for a bit longer with the homeopathic drops that I ordered back in January that were held up in customs for so long but arrived after I had ordered the injections. It doesn't appear that I have become immune so it's just something that I'm considering. I would like to have a little more of a threshold between the +/- 2 LIW. I don't want to ever see the 200 number again. Will decide soon - I've been reading some blogs where people do continue with the drops but I know my body will soon need a break and a move to P3. I've been looking foward to having cheese for a while now. It's been a long haul but so worth it. Knowing that I only have less than 50 pounds to go is such a good feeling. It's manageable. I don't think I would ever be able to reach less than 150 but 150 at 5'4 is a good ideal weight for me to strive for.

Saturday, April 10, 2010

VLCD 46: 200.9 ( R1 P2 )

The scale freaked me out this morning. When I first stepped on, it said "199.6" I thought WTH??? I was so happy. I pulled my pj's back on and ran downstairs to get my camera because I wanted a pic of my first long-awaited milestone. When I came back up and weighed again, it said 200.9. I never trust the first display the scales gives me. Every morning I check it three times and then move it to another spot and try another two times just to be sure. So it repetitively said "200.9". I'll accept that but am leaving my camera on the counter in the bathroom just so I can be prepared.

I went to a potluck this morning at 11am for my daughter's year-end ringette get-together. I brought a greek salad with chicken ( I bought it from a Greek restaurant) and a plate of bakery bought chocolate chip cookies. I took the cookies out of the container and piled them onto a nice glass bevelled plate so it would look like they were home-made. I wanted to look like I had put some effort in even though the only effort was sending my husband to the bakery counter at the grocery store. I took some salad out of the bowl before we went to the potluck and put it into a small glass tupperware. I wanted to make sure I had something to eat there and didn't want to touch the salad once I put the Greek vinigrette dressing on it just it case it had sugar in it. So I ate that with some Walden Farms dressing and picked at the veggie platter there and had a few spoonfuls of chilli. I think that was a mistake because as we were leaving I had the worst stomach cramps and had to drive over the speed limit just to get home in time to rush to the bathroom. Sorry - TMI. But that concerned me that my body would react that way.

So looking forward to seeing what the scales says tomorrow. My last injection day is tomorrow. 47 days has been a long haul....

Friday, April 9, 2010

VLCD 45: 202 ( R1 P2 )

I'm keepin' on truckin'. I was a little concerned if I would gain anything today because last night we had St. Hubert's take-out rotisserie chicken. (It's a Canadian franchise). I took all the skin off but didn't weight the chicken breast. Then before I knew it I had eaten the coleslaw. I didn't even think about. I looked up the nutritional value on their website and there's very little sugar in it so I think that's why I didn't gain. Unless a gain is waiting to show up tomorrow?? But I'm happy with the 202. Only 3 pounds to go to reach the first milestone.

Just curious if anyone had the post-pregnancy stomach and if it just shrunk and flattened as you lost more weight. I notice that yes, my stomach has definitely reduced but the fat/skin is getting very soft and loose and wrinkly looking. Will this ever go away??

Thursday, April 8, 2010

VLCD 44 : 203.5 ( R1 P2 )

Down one pound. My last injection will be Sunday. I am researching all the awesome P3 recipes that I can try out. I must admit that today is hard. I feel really cold and have the chills. I am hungry. Every Thursday they sell NewYork style pizza downstairs in the rotunda and the smell is amazing. I have to buy my lunch today and the plan is to get an open faced "sandwich" no bread. Just a chicken breast, tomatoes, cucumbers, onions and mustard on the side. It will fill the hunger hole but why do I have to keep thinking about the damned pizza??? I know it's because I'm hungry so I'm gonna have lunch early. Days like this - just shoot me now. I just keep repeating in my head 199, 199, 199 and then on to P3.

Wednesday, April 7, 2010

VLCD 43 : 204.5 ( R1 P2 ) injection

Lost 3.4 pounds yesterday. It wasn't as hard as I thought it would be to get right back on track but going off plan just isn't worth it. I don't have any physical cravings but the mental cravings are hard.

I'm just 2 pounds away from the lowest weight so far. I am going to do the last of the injections until Sunday and maybe I'll reach the under 200 mark.

Tuesday, April 6, 2010

VLCD 42 (R1 P2 ): 207.9 (restarted injections)

I'm calling it Day 42 because Sunday and Monday were a complete bust and were definitely not VLCD. One bite led to another and before I knew it I was saying "WTH - I might as well eat what I want". I paid the price and gained over 6 pounds. I am back on protocol today and took injections Monday and today. I will finish up the rest of them by the end of the week ( I have to count exactly how many are left) and then I'll go from there. The emotions of the past of having to eat to feel good came back and engulfed me.
I could easily have eaten just P3 foods as there was a huge selection to choose from but no, stupid me decided not to. It's a choice. It's a choice to remain strong in your convictions that looking good is better than shoving some short-lived sensations of food into your body. But the choice I made was to be weak and the 6.6 pounds is the price I pay. I am not going to feel like a failure. It was a set-back and today it was easy to get back on protocol and I'm not hungry at all. It's like I did two loading days. I hope to be back where I was by the weekend and then I'll start P3. I'm scared of P3 because P2 is safe. You know exactly what you will eat and that's it, that's all.

Saturday, April 3, 2010

VLCD 41 ( R1 P2 ) Day 3 no injection

Thanks everyone for your comments on how to proceed given that I have about 12 injection needles left. I appreciate all the information.

So today I'm at 201.3. I had to look twice because I confused the 1 for a 7 and said WTH but my eyesight is bad without contacts in!

Tomorrow is the anticipated start of P3. The kids wanted to go the the brunch at a casino resort hotel where they have a brunch n' swim but I forgot to call and reserve. So, I made reservation at a dinner buffet for tomorrow evening at 5. I was lucky to get the reservation - I really need to get more organized. My car is in for the snow tire removal so we are going to walk to the mall. It's about a 3K walk. The weather here is just crazy. We had no snow in March and yesterday and today are 28 degrees celcius plus the humidex. This is record temperatures not ever seen during all the years since the beginning of weather tracking. It's quite possible that it will go back to below zero by next week.

I need to tone up my arms. I can wear much smaller tighter shirts which is nice but I am embarassed of my arms. I have always had a much smaller lower body and I can now fit into size 14 pants but my upper body is a size bigger and I have the arm fat issues. I have push up bars that I may use to try to tone my arms. I don't know if it will do anything or if I have to just wait for the fat to naturally disolve itself. I don't know if it will because the skin is loose. It is a strange place to have so much loose fat.

Well I won't get down about that. I will wear one of those shrug light material sweaters and it will cover it.

Have a great weekend everybody.

Friday, April 2, 2010

VLCD 40 : 202.6 (Day 2 no injection)

I'm struggling today - VERY hungry. I just caved and ate 2 chips. I had 3 sugar-free peeps yesterday (total 60 calories) and I had no fruit servings.

I still have a bunch of injections left and am wondering if I should just finish them. I was looking foward to Sunday because we are going to a brunch buffet and I can eat P3 food but I'm wondering if on Monday I should just go back to P2 for the rest of the injections and then do the three weeks of P3 immediately following that. I don't know what it is - but I feel like I'm going to give in. I don't want to because I like how I look and feel now (except for the hunger today) and I don't want to jeopardize that with a couple of seconds of satisfaction. But boy it's hard. I'm taking it an hour at a time until bed time and will guzzle some more water. I'm 2.4 pounds away from 199.