“Set Yourself Free” by Ralph Marston"

---"There is no outside force holding you back. You are holding you back and you are blaming it on someone or something else. The way you are able to continue holding yourself back is by maintaining the illusion that you're a victim. Once you realize that illusion, you will naturally and easily move forward. In fact, it is easier to fulfill your best possibilities than it is to avoid them. So let go of the blame and watch the limitations drop away. Certainly there will always be challenges that hold you back. For each challenge provides you with a pathway through which you can move toward fulfillment. It is your very nature to accomplish. Lovingly accept your destiny, and allow that accomplishment to be manifest through you. Set yourself free to follow your purpose. Set yourself free to truly live."

Thursday, July 22, 2010

VLCD 8 ( R2 P2 ) 198.1

I cried until my teeth hurt, my jaw hurt and my eyes were on fire. I was schocked, confused, hurt, bewildered, embarassed, and doubtful and felt in a place where I had lost all control. The message was: *tell her to cover up - it sends the wrong message*

The image on the side is what I wore to work yesterday ( I took the pic at day end to prove it) and here is what happened. I had meeting at 9am, then another meeting with an outside supplier and my director from 10 - 12:40. I then wolfed down a small piece of grilled chicken with tomato on top that I bought from the buffeteria. I sat at my desk trying to print out papers that I would need for a 1 pm meeting hosted by my new general manager and his team.

I was tired. The meeting ended at 3:40. A bit later I crossed paths with my new director in the hall and he asked to meet. At the meeting he told me how well I am doing in the new job and that he is impressed with me etc.etc. etc. BUT........ he had a message that he was asked to convey to me from the general manager. The message was *tell her to cover up and do not dare come to the meeting on Monday with the VP dressed like that - it sends the wrong message* . I sat there in shock. At first I tried to remain stone faced. I felt myself spacing out and wanting to crawl into a hole. Then I felt it in my throat - I knew it was coming. The tears started to well in my eyes. I told myself to stop and just make an excuse and run. But it was too late. The crying started. I sat there apologizing for crying. I just kept thinking how dare this GM ask my director to come tell me this. The director said that he was suprised to hear this and did not know what to do but he had to tell me. He said the GM is *old school* and very conservative. From my impression he is just a big political blowhart that likes to hear himself drone on and on in front of an audience. The director said he got a female directors opinion before coming to see me. She said she was very suprised to hear this about me because she had known me for a long time and never thought I dressed inappropriately. Now I am MAD. I have lost sleep over this and awoke at 4:30 this morning and started crying again. The only thing I can think of is that maybe when I sat down my dress showed cleavage. I had a white shrug sweater on the whole day- I never took it off because the dress is sleeveless and I do not like my arms.

I kept thinking that not only was it not good enough that I am saving their ass by accepting this promotion and will be able to deliver a lot to their function but they were attacking me on a personal level. It opened up unhealed scabs and wounds of being criticized my whole life for being fat, for not being good enough. It was taken as an attack on my personal being. The emotions it awoke in me are just something I cannot deal with on a rational level. For so long, I did not look *sylish* at work. I always wore plus-sized clothing that was too big and now, jsut when I am feeling better about myself I have some old geizer attacking my appearance. I caught him looking at me during the meeting and he gives me the serious hebejeebeez. I hate him that he asked the director to come tell me. I said * why did he not just tell me this himself*. And I was told * oh no - he would never do that. He respects the hierarchy* Asshole. What do I do with the new dresses I have bought. They are not inappropriate - I am not an idiot. I know what wardrobe protocol is.

This whole incident has made me feel dirty, sleazy and embarassed. What a good way to get off on good terms with my director- standing there crying like a bumbling fool in his office.

I no longer want to apologize for how I look. I have felt ashamed for too long. I want to be respected but it seems like my dresscode according to this GM will not get me his respect or according to him anyone elses respect.

I am rambling. I am still embarassed and hurting over this. I stayed strong on protocol until about 11 pm last night promising myself that I would not turn to food. But at 11 pm I broke down and ate what I shouldnt - I will pay for the scale gain tomorrow. Damn him for this situation. Thanks for reading and letting me vent.


  1. I cannot believe this happened to you and I'm so sorry. Your dress looks completely business attire (and btw beautiful on you). Keep your head up and try to ignore the jerk.

  2. I am so sorry that you had to experience something like this. Truly am so sorry. The fact that you are so upset just angers me! These are the people in the world that have no regard for their actions or words or gestures. How dare this prick! I totally feel your pain which I think is why I'm so upset over how this insignficant, arrogant, jerk, asshole made you feel. This guy has NO IDEA what it's like to always hide behind clothes you don't want to wear but have to because they're plus size. He has NO IDEA what it feels like to walk in to a room with a new dress on and feel confident with how your body looks, FINALLY. He has NO IDEA what this stupid, ridiculous, unnecessary comment does to first off, a women, and second to a women that struggled/struggles with weight/image/attire in the first place. What a giant asshole. If I were you, I would not let this guy get away with making you feel like such crap. He's a human being just like the rest of us. His title does not excuse him from decency and respect for others. I am actually very shocked about this story and it just breaks my heart for how you're feeling right now. I'm sorry. Wish I could say something to make you NOT feel this way. I think you look beautiful and you SHOULD feel beautiful as well.

  3. Wow, I'm speechless! I'm furious with you. He had NO RIGHT to say that (or have someone else say that) to you. NO right. You looked perfectly appropriate and absolutely LOVELY in that dress. He's an ass hat to the highest degree. A total prick. Is there any way you can talk to his supervisor? I agree with what Darby and Redhead said, especially about how he has no fucking clue what kind of damage he's done, and he shouldn't get away with it.

    I wish I could hug you and kick his ass.

  4. Thank you ladies so much for your support. You really get it whereas others who try to offer me advice just do not get it. The emotions came from a place of my history with weight and feeling unattractive and it hit me in place so deep that I was not prepared for it.
    I called the Federal Human Rights Commission because I work in a federally regulated government department with over 12 000 people in the building. They told me that in order form them to take a complaint the comments would need to be made to be more than once and I would need proof of what I was wearing. I am glad I took that pic. The next meeting I go to where he is present (which is Monday) and then after that it will probably be only once a month I am going to wear a turtleneck. He will ge the point. Thanks again for your kind understanding comments. It helps me so much to know that it is not just me that understands why I reacted that way.

  5. OK. I'm hopping mad FOR you!! What an asshole. As I was reading your story, the thought came to me, that this jerk finds you attractive, and is basically asking you NOT to look so attractive to him.

    Now, I'm all for dressing appropriately for business. But I think you do that, and already know to do that. Your outfit in no way is provocative. I'm so glad you took the picture, to document that day. And I'm glad you called the commission to find out your rights. Be sure and document each instance, if there are any more in the future. If there is another instance, be sure to go to your boss with this information.

    I'm SO sorry that this incident made you question yourself, and how far you've come. Please do NOT beat yourself up over anything to do with this occurence: how you reacted, what you wore, how you dealt with the stress afterwards. You did nothing wrong. It breaks my heart to hear that you cried until you hurt physically. Please do not let this jerk destroy your new-found confidence in yourself & your appearance. You have worked so hard to get to this place. You are getting stronger each and every day.

    I still believe you are going to shine very brightly in your new position. You will have the opportunity in the future to address this issue with this person, I strongly believe that. And you will be on the winning side.

    Walk into that office Monday full of confidence. Do it to show them that they haven't won. You are smarter, more gifted, more attractive than any of them. You are going places my friend. You have the ability to do even more than you are doing now. Doors are going to continue to open for you because of your talent & know-how. I just know it!!!

    love to you, and many, many hugs-

  6. Thanks LD so much. Your comments have made me feel SO much better about myself and the situation. I will take your advice and walk back into work on Monday with confidence and forget about what happened. I have filed it in my mental filing cabinet to be only pulled out when necessary in the future.

    With you on my side rooting for me and having so much faith and confidence in me and my ability, things can only get better from here. Thanks again and love and hugs to you too!

  7. You are worth it Kathryn--

    You are also creating a image for your girls, of what a strong, intelligent, healthy-minded, considerate & loving woman looks like. They will remember this as they grow, and pattern themselves after this. You are showing them what to do, and what NOT to do. You are taking care of yourself, and by NOT accepting personally, what this IDIOT said to you, you are showing them that you are bigger than he is. You are smarter than he is.

    Remember all of that, as you leave him in the dust in your career & life path.

    love you!

  8. ps. I just re-read your blog heading, 'Keep Calm and Carry On'. How perfect for this situation!

  9. Wow... Just like everyone else said, I am angry just reading this. What a douche. I agree with the ladies, you look completely appropriate and gorgeous in the picture. There is nothing inappropriate about your outfit. Don't let some geezer bring you down because of his low self esteem, and that is what it is. People who critize others on their looks are just unhappy with themselves and have low self esteem. You have worked hard to get to where you are and you should be able to wear what you feel comfortable in.

  10. That sucks, but maybe you can ask your boss for a raise or advance so you can buy some new clothes. This happened to me when I had my last job (now working for myself) so I got my boss to give me a $500 bonus to go clothes shopping. lol