VLCD 8 ( R2 P2 ) 198.1

I cried until my teeth hurt, my jaw hurt and my eyes were on fire. I was schocked, confused, hurt, bewildered, embarassed, and doubtful and felt in a place where I had lost all control. The message was: *tell her to cover up - it sends the wrong message*

The image on the side is what I wore to work yesterday ( I took the pic at day end to prove it) and here is what happened. I had meeting at 9am, then another meeting with an outside supplier and my director from 10 - 12:40. I then wolfed down a small piece of grilled chicken with tomato on top that I bought from the buffeteria. I sat at my desk trying to print out papers that I would need for a 1 pm meeting hosted by my new general manager and his team.

I was tired. The meeting ended at 3:40. A bit later I crossed paths with my new director in the hall and he asked to meet. At the meeting he told me how well I am doing in the new job and that he is impressed with me etc.etc. etc. BUT........ he had a message that he was asked to convey to me from the general manager. The message was *tell her to cover up and do not dare come to the meeting on Monday with the VP dressed like that - it sends the wrong message* . I sat there in shock. At first I tried to remain stone faced. I felt myself spacing out and wanting to crawl into a hole. Then I felt it in my throat - I knew it was coming. The tears started to well in my eyes. I told myself to stop and just make an excuse and run. But it was too late. The crying started. I sat there apologizing for crying. I just kept thinking how dare this GM ask my director to come tell me this. The director said that he was suprised to hear this and did not know what to do but he had to tell me. He said the GM is *old school* and very conservative. From my impression he is just a big political blowhart that likes to hear himself drone on and on in front of an audience. The director said he got a female directors opinion before coming to see me. She said she was very suprised to hear this about me because she had known me for a long time and never thought I dressed inappropriately. Now I am MAD. I have lost sleep over this and awoke at 4:30 this morning and started crying again. The only thing I can think of is that maybe when I sat down my dress showed cleavage. I had a white shrug sweater on the whole day- I never took it off because the dress is sleeveless and I do not like my arms.

I kept thinking that not only was it not good enough that I am saving their ass by accepting this promotion and will be able to deliver a lot to their function but they were attacking me on a personal level. It opened up unhealed scabs and wounds of being criticized my whole life for being fat, for not being good enough. It was taken as an attack on my personal being. The emotions it awoke in me are just something I cannot deal with on a rational level. For so long, I did not look *sylish* at work. I always wore plus-sized clothing that was too big and now, jsut when I am feeling better about myself I have some old geizer attacking my appearance. I caught him looking at me during the meeting and he gives me the serious hebejeebeez. I hate him that he asked the director to come tell me. I said * why did he not just tell me this himself*. And I was told * oh no - he would never do that. He respects the hierarchy* Asshole. What do I do with the new dresses I have bought. They are not inappropriate - I am not an idiot. I know what wardrobe protocol is.

This whole incident has made me feel dirty, sleazy and embarassed. What a good way to get off on good terms with my director- standing there crying like a bumbling fool in his office.

I no longer want to apologize for how I look. I have felt ashamed for too long. I want to be respected but it seems like my dresscode according to this GM will not get me his respect or according to him anyone elses respect.

I am rambling. I am still embarassed and hurting over this. I stayed strong on protocol until about 11 pm last night promising myself that I would not turn to food. But at 11 pm I broke down and ate what I shouldnt - I will pay for the scale gain tomorrow. Damn him for this situation. Thanks for reading and letting me vent.

VLCD 5 ( R2 P2 ): 199.9

OMG - I had two soft drinks yesterday that were poured by someone else. I drank diet pepsi all through R1 P2 and it worked out okay for me. However....yesterday afternoon when I was at my mom's house watching the kids swim in her pool, my sister offered me a drink. I asked for Diet Pepsi with ice in a glass and only later found out when I saw the cans inside on the counter that it was *regular* pepsi. I almost flipped out and the scales reflected the gain this morning because yesterday I was at 197.6. Lesson learned. Anything I drink from now on will be verified by me first.

VLCD 3 (R2 P2 ) 199.8

After two days of loading I went up to 207.4. OMG - I felt disgusted with myself. Now I am glad to report that there is a one in front of my weight again instead of a 2. I was only going to do two days of loading but on Wednesday evening I decided WTH because I had to go to dinner for a special occassion so I started VLCD 1 on Thursday instead.

I bought a new netbook computer yesterday because our desktop has recurring viruses and is not kind of caput. It is being repaired. With this netbook I feel like I am typing in a fishbowl - it is going to take some getting used to. I cannot type apostrophes or quotations or they show up as French accents. The keyboard is set to French Canadian language and I have to figure out how to change it. This is my second go at typing this post as I have already somehow deleted it the first time by mistake.

I received a Versatile Blogger award from Bunpoh @ The Angry Inch: A Weight Loss Odyssey. I am so honoured. The award comes with some guidelines.
1. Thank the person that gave you the award - Thank you, Bunpoh!
2. Share 7 things about yourself.
3. Nominate 15 blogs that you have discovered recently- okay I cheated abit with this one because some of my 15 I have been reading for quite some time now.
4. Let the bloggers know that you have nominated them.

So here goes - 7 things:

1. I am Canadian - probably should be more of a proud Canadian but there are a lot of things that Canada could do better - we are seriously overtaxed to the hilt but I am grateful for universal healthcare and our gun laws.

2. I have three beautiful daughters - ages 2, 7 and almost 11.

3. I have been overweight ever since I can remember- since age 7 I think. I think the last time I ever saw under 200 pounds was when I was 17 and it wasn't much under. (I just figured out how to use apostrophes on this keyboard I think - yahoo)

4. My first two children are from a previous relationship of 7 years which ended in disaster and a long drawn out custody battle. He is completely out of the picture now which is a good thing. I am married to my husband who is the father of my youngest child and to my seven year old, he is her father. She doesn't know differently and I really don't know how I will deal with telling her if she does question it some day. My oldest daughter calls him by his first name and not dad. Too wierd - I know. We were married in Vegas which was very cool. We have a very rocky relationship but we're working on it. I've come to the realization that I have way more issues to deal with than I thought and losing this weight has brought a lot of them to the forefront and I am seriously working at them.

5. I smoke a pack of cigarettes a day - very very bad. I must think about quitting but not just yet.

6. I have a ton more aquaintances than actual friends. I think I may only have one good friend but I keep her at a distance and we see each other maybe once a month. I use the excuse that I don't have the time but this problem with friendships dates way back.

7. I just finished my first year law school and work full-time. Sometimes I think I am crazy but this is a goal that I wanted to start when I was 23 and I should have done it then but better later than never. I have alway been labelled a *gifted* learner so thank goodness studying comes easy for me.

Here are the blogs that I am passing the *Versatile Blogger Award * on to. I've tried to place them in alphabetical order because I enjoy reading all of them. The support and the encouragement that I have found on line through reading all of these wonderful blogs has been immeasurable in helping me so far. It`s just incredible the great people that are out there that although we are all *virtual* strangers we can connect and support each other.

A Day in the life of an HCG Dieter http://dayinlifehcg.blogspot.com/
Autumn’s Rosier Days http://autumnrose323.blogspot.com/
Fat to Fit Mommy http://www.fat2fitmommy.com/
HeyYou, Drop the Fork and Step Away from the Plate http://putthedamnforkdown.blogspot.com/
HCG Willpower http://hcgwillpower.blogspot.com/
HCG&Me on the Road to Find Out http://hcgandmeontheroadtofindout.blogspot.com/
Just me and My HCG http://maggie73.blogspot.com/
Journey to Me Via HCG http://journeytomeviahcg.blogspot.com/
Kathlean Again http://kathleanagain.blogspot.com/
Kym's Journey to Fit and Forty http://kymsjourney2.blogspot.com/
Mommy Gone Milf Via HCG http://mommygonemilf.blogspot.com/
Miss Mary's This and That http://missmarysravesandrants.blogspot.com/
Let it Be: A Smaller me http://darby-letitbeasmallerme.blogspot.com/
One Day at a Time http://kateonedayatatime.blogspot.com/
Random Thoughts and HCG http://therealhcg.blogspot.com/
Saving Me with HCG http://savingmewithhcg.blogspot.com/
Sie hat eimen Knutschfleck http://knutschfleck.blogspot.com/
Starting Life 25 Years Late http://startinglife25yearslate.blogspot.com/
The Real HCG Journey http://therealhcg.blogspot.com/

I am really not very technically literate so once I find out how to insert a hyperlink, I'll fix the links.

Sending good loss or stabilizing vibes to everyone.

All the injections are mixed - should I still call this R2?

Hello ladies and gentlemen. All the injections are mixed - 40 in total. The brand is Ovidac. For now they're sitting in an empty covered margarine container in the fridge but I think I'll freeze 20 of them. I've never frozen before but I've heard positive things about it.

I've had two days of loading. Not sure if I ate enough because I don't have that "ready to puke" feeling but I sure did eat a lot today. I am scared to get on the scale. But I will tomorrow morning and I'm hoping it's not too much damage.

I've had two failed attempts at semi-rounds of R2P2 ( which I'm pretty sure I can attribute to the hcg spray I bought off Ebay). But even so I think I will still call this round R2 again. I am determined to get as far away from 200 as possible this time. It's not good for the psyche when you rotate between the low to mid 190's and the low 200's.

Things are still kind of in transition between the old job and the new job and they will be for quite some time because I haven't reached the comfort level that I want to be at yet and things with Mr. K are not the greatest and require A LOT of energy and I am starting to feel out of control in a lot of areas again. I will have to maintain a super level of focus while studying for this upcoming bar exam and I don't want to gain any more weight while doing that. I really like the level of focus and determination that being on the protocol gave me. Being very strict with eating transfers over to getting other areas of my life organized and more focused. So here's to a successful R2P2!

Sending good loss and/or stabilization vibes to everyone...

Not too sure what day it should be !

I'm hovering anywhere between 198 and 202. I didn't post today's weight because the last time I weighed was Saturday and I was 199.
The package containing my injections arrived this week. It made it over the border past the customs militants in record time. It's Ovidac brand. Not sure what I used the first round as this protocol was all new to me then and I didn't realize that there are different brands. If anyone has any ratings (postive or negative) about Ovidac, I'd love to hear them. But I do know that I definitely prefer the injections. The spray really wasn't the best quality and I was super hungry for the last part of when I was taking it. I think the guy I bought it from cooked it up on a homemade chemistry set in his basement.

It's been a crazy time since I last posted. We went on a mini vacation to Canada's Wonderland (June 30 - July 2) and the girls loved it. It was TONS of walking because the amusement park was huge. They're trying to copy Disney in every way and they're doing a great job of it. The only thing is that the food on site was soooo expensive. For example a slice of pizza was $12. The second day we went off site to eat when I realized that the day parking pass included "in/out" privileges.

I started my new job officially June 30th even though I was off that day. It's been stressful as I'm still in the transition between old job and new job and still sitting in the same place on the same floor - jsut making more money and reporting to a new director. I really like my new director so far but it's a lot of change to take in and they have a lot of expectations for this role and I just hope I can live up to it.

My in-laws are coming to visit for a few days starting tomorrow and one of my bathrooms is still all torn up with the door locked because we can't afford to finish the reno right now. I also have to decide if I will fly to San Fran in late October to write the 1st year law school bar exam. The registration fee is $650 plus another $800 for my flight and hotel. I have until July 31 to register and make the decision if I will have enough time to study and be sure that I will pass because I don't want to go through all the effort and money if I don't pass. I passed the first year of law school. Not sure how I did it with all the stress and three screaming but beautiful kids and losing weight but I think being on the protocol and being in that strict mindset really helped with the focusing on the study. So I'm quite proud of the achievement. Three more years to go.

I enjoy reading all of your blogs and the community of support. So keep up the great work ladies/gentlement (well mostly ladies!) and I'm sending you all good vibes for loss or stabilitzation!

So...it's not the best time to be on protocol P2 right now and be able to dedicate the energy and mental state that it requires to be dedicated and strict. TOM is due any time now so I will decide if I will start P2 after that.

VLCD 24 ( R2 P2 ) 195.6

I would recommend to the entire HCG community NOT to order HCG spray. I really don't know what's in it but it's not working for me. Some days I'm fine and then other days by the evening I'm absolutely RAVENOUS. I haven't lost any more weight and I'm tired and frustrated and I think it's time to call it quits for R2P2. I will try to do my three days of no hcg spray and then get on P3. I'm taking the kids on a mini vacation on Tuesday. W e will stay for Canada Day (July 1) and then maybe a few more days at a hotel. I got my tax refund back so we have a bit of *mad* money to play with.

I ordered a new batch of HCG injections and am waiting for them to arrive. I am really hoping the package makes it through customs.

Father's day was last Sunday and for some reason it really affected me this year whereas other years I kind of just put it out of my mind. My father is living and lives close to me so is still in my life but I never had in the past as a child or currently as an adult a relationship with my father. He was always *jsut there* but I was never close to him. We never talked, we always disagreed and being the oldest of five children I had a lot of resentment towards him. He was mean, volatile and just a miserable person in general. As a grandfather he is much better with my children than he was with us kids as a father. But for some reason it still lingers and stings and Sunday I took it hard. Maybe part of it was hormonal but I long for the *what if's* and what it *could* have been like and what I missed out on by not having a good father-daughter relationship. I didn't cheat on protocol that day but it set the tone for the rest of the week.

On a more positive note, I finally signed my letter for my new position and work and the director gave me a 12% increase. I'm going way out of my comfort zone with this new job and the anticipation of change and the fear of not measuring up to the expectations that they have for me in this new role is causing me to internalize some stress. Plus being *really* hungry every night doesn't help. I've been having a handful of potato chips or some extra protein or an extra fruit and it's stalled the weight loss. Plus the sunburn I had and all the lotion I slathered on also caused a bit of a gain but definitely stalled any loss.

So, I'll be on P3 for a while I think. Or unless I take an interruption and get right back on P2 when my new shipment of injections arrrive. We'll see. But I definitley don't want to gain back any of the weight lost in R1 so I'm going to plan accordingly.

Sorry for the long post and congrats if you've made it this far. Just sort of rambling. Have lots of change going on now and am entering some new unchartered territory while at the same time dealing with the past. I still have at *least* 40 pounds to go and will get there. Slowly but surely.

VLCD 18 ( R2 P2 ) : 193.8

Another 0.6 pound loss - I'll take it.

Spent today at the waterslide park again - I'm so glad I bought the season pass. The girls love it there. I pack them a cooler and a ton of water for me. I brought them subway today so there was no extra food for me to be tempted by. It was great exercise walking up the steep hills but I can really feel my muscles are weak. I guess that is to be expected as per what it says in the protocol.

I sprayed on a ton of SPF 35 so that I wouldn't get burnt again. I hope that the spray doesn't have an affect on the weight loss. It's going down slowly but surely.