VLCD 16 ( R2 P2 ) : 196.2

Back to work today after a long weekend. It sure was hard to get out of bed this morning - I always overwork myself on weekends. My 2 year-old fell out of my bed this morning at 4 am and really banged her head hard. I stayed up since 4am because I wanted to check on her to make sure she was alright.

I felt my stomach rumbling and was actually physically hungry. But I didn't bother to eat anything. I just thought it would led to overeating so I layed next to her in bed wide awake and hungry. It will be early to bed tonight for sure.

VLCD 15 ( R2 P2 ) : 196.9

Today is my 2nd wedding anniversary we got married in Vegas two years ago today. My only regret is that I wore a black short sleeve dress to our wedding. I thought I could buy something to wear when we got there but at the time I was about 223 pounds and really couldnt find anything good to wear that wasnt sleeveless so I had to wear a dress from my suitcase. My youngest was six months at the time so it was kind of an unplanned trip. I just got too frustrated shopping for a dress and I just thought I looked too fat in whatever I tried on - everything was sleeveless. I can not wear sleeveless because I have abnormal flab on the tops of my arms -it almost looks like the skin that a turkey has on its chin. So anyways I cannot dwell on that. I thought I looked nice despite the fact that it is probably not good superstitious wise to get married in black. The photos turned out nice and I wore high heeled silver sandals. We went to dinner after the ceremony at Les Auberges in the Paris hotel and then went to see the Eiffel tower - very cool.

My favourite flower is the Sunflower and I awoke to some really nice ones in the kitchen in a vase with a beautiful card. It has been a rough two years but we are really working on working through our issues and are still together suprisingly.

The offer was to go for a steak dinner at the Keg. It is a civic holiday here in Ontario today so it would have been nice but I declined because I just do not want to be tempted with overeating. Yes, I could order an 8 oz steak and cut it in half and have salad or veggies on the side but I do not know what they put on steak and I do not trust that it will be *protocol clean* if I make a special order. Plus we had bbq steak last night I put away 3.5 oz for dinner againt tonight.

I have been painting my daughters room since about 11 this morning and am sweating like a bulldog. I need to buy an edger but all the stores are closed today. So I have left the edges at the top and bottom until I can buy one. I am not skilled enought to just use a brush and not get it on the baseboards and ceiling. She will be home from camp next Sunday and I want to surprise her. So I have some time to do the finishing touches before then. She wanted blue because she says she is not into the *girly* pink. I am just hoping it does not end up looking like a baby boys nursery with the blue that I have chosen. I got her a new duvet cover and a beautiful blue lamp so it should look alright when I am done.

So back to guzzling water now. I feel like I should be further along with the weight loss but I am taking it for what it is considering that I had a previous failed attempt at P2 and went up to 207 with the loading. One day at a time is all I keep thinking. I am eating clean and it will be slow but sure. (sorry for the bad grammar - i cannot use apostrophes on this damned laptop - have not figured out how to change the language settings from french to english yet!!!)

Sending good loss or stabilizing vibes to everyone.

VLCD 13 ( R2 P2 ) :197.7

It was nice to see the drop. It is true that seeing a lower number sets the tone for a good day. It is hard not to make it abot the numbers on the scale when you have to weigh every morning.

Kate http://kateonedayatatime.blogspot.com/left a reference on her blog to Melissa Blake's blog http://melissabxoxo.blogspot.com/2010/07/love-lounge-i-vow.html and on it i found the following inspiration.


Basically it summarized the vows we make to others: on our wedding day, to our career, to our family but we never make personal vows to ourselves. She vows the following (direct quote from her blog): " ...to be happy, my way, to live a life filled with love, to continue learning to be happy with myself. "

I also want to make this vow to myself and to add that I vow to have confidence in myself and my ability and to remain true to who I am and the stronger, healthier woman that I am continually working on becoming.


Hope you are having a wonderful weekend and sending good loss and/or stabilizing vibes to everyone.

VLCD 11 (R2 P2) 199.9

The scale said 199.9 today. I'm pleased to be back in the lands of the one's! My body seems to love this number and anywhere between 199 and 202. I think that is my body's preferred stabilization place.

The lowest I ever was in recent years was 204 lbs in June 2006 after being on 1500 calorie diet strictly. I had lost 43 pounds coming down from 247. So maybe that's why it's comfortable at 199. Don't know the physiology behind it.

Here's the history:
Highest weight ever: 269.9 in June 2001 when my first child was 22 months.
Stayed around 247 for a long time (2004-2005)
Went down to 204 (June 2006)
Start of HCG R1P2 - 230.5 (February 2010)
End of R1P2 - 198.6 (March 2010)
Start of R2P2 - 206.5 (July 2010)

Current Weight: 199.9

The lowest number I've seen so far on protocol is 194.3. That was during my inital botched attempt at R2P2. So I need to get this body used to a new stabilizing weight. It's just too comfortable teetering on 199 and casually crossing the border back over the 200 mark!!

VLCD 10 ( R2 P2 ) : 201.4

Am pleased with the 1.5 pound drop. Am staying strong on protocol and drinking lots of water.

Gloria left me a comment about EFT(Emotional Freedom Technique) - thanks Gloria! I had never heard of it but did some research and it was exactly what I was looking for. Basically EFT is alternative psychotherapy techniques that purports to manipulate the bodys energy field by tapping on specific acupuncture techniques while a specific traumatic memory is focused on or triggered (for example, memories of childhood criticism), in order to alleviate a psychological problem.

My favourite is the following: Have yourself little math problems. Emotion comes from the right side of the brain and doing simple little mathematics like addition and subtraction will activate the left side and cause circumvention to the emotional response that you are having.

I have to learn to stop the reaction of crying which starts with the lump in my throat when I am confronted with criticism. It happens spontaneously and I really need to have a tactic in case it ever happens to me again. It has happened several times over my life span and I cannot let it happen again especially at a place like work. It has never happened ever at work before but I want to be able to control it in all situations. So I am now armed with these techniques which I will definitely remember.

Sending good vibes for loss or stabilization to everyone!

VLCD 9 ( R2 P2 ): 202.9

I am calling this Day 9 even though if I had stayed on protocol it would have been day 13. After the fiasco last Thursday, I came off plan late that evening. So I took a break and stopped injecting. I started up with the injections yesterday (did not weight) and went back strictly on protocol this morning. So... I am considering this day 9.

I want to thank all of you for the supportive comments that you left me. It was tough for me. I took some time to put it into perspective and I walked back into work on Monday confidently with my head up. I am going to chalk it up to looking at the source. I have documented everything and filed it in case I need it for future use. If similar comments are made to me a second time then I would have the basis for a human rights commission complaint.

So back to guzzling water. I forgot to eat lunch today - I seriously was not hungry and actually forgot to eat. This evening I was still not hungry but ate anyways. I am pleased with the Ovidac brand and I am hoping to stay strong and salvage this round and get into the 180s.

Sending good loss or stabilizing vibes to everyone. Thanks again for all the support - you guys are the best and I am so thankful to be part of this community of wonderful strong compassionate women.

p.s. Meli, if you are reading this I have tried to leave a comment for you yesterday and today. I do not know if it is just me, but I cannot post the comment because there is no space to enter the word verification.

VLCD 8 ( R2 P2 ) 198.1

I cried until my teeth hurt, my jaw hurt and my eyes were on fire. I was schocked, confused, hurt, bewildered, embarassed, and doubtful and felt in a place where I had lost all control. The message was: *tell her to cover up - it sends the wrong message*

The image on the side is what I wore to work yesterday ( I took the pic at day end to prove it) and here is what happened. I had meeting at 9am, then another meeting with an outside supplier and my director from 10 - 12:40. I then wolfed down a small piece of grilled chicken with tomato on top that I bought from the buffeteria. I sat at my desk trying to print out papers that I would need for a 1 pm meeting hosted by my new general manager and his team.

I was tired. The meeting ended at 3:40. A bit later I crossed paths with my new director in the hall and he asked to meet. At the meeting he told me how well I am doing in the new job and that he is impressed with me etc.etc. etc. BUT........ he had a message that he was asked to convey to me from the general manager. The message was *tell her to cover up and do not dare come to the meeting on Monday with the VP dressed like that - it sends the wrong message* . I sat there in shock. At first I tried to remain stone faced. I felt myself spacing out and wanting to crawl into a hole. Then I felt it in my throat - I knew it was coming. The tears started to well in my eyes. I told myself to stop and just make an excuse and run. But it was too late. The crying started. I sat there apologizing for crying. I just kept thinking how dare this GM ask my director to come tell me this. The director said that he was suprised to hear this and did not know what to do but he had to tell me. He said the GM is *old school* and very conservative. From my impression he is just a big political blowhart that likes to hear himself drone on and on in front of an audience. The director said he got a female directors opinion before coming to see me. She said she was very suprised to hear this about me because she had known me for a long time and never thought I dressed inappropriately. Now I am MAD. I have lost sleep over this and awoke at 4:30 this morning and started crying again. The only thing I can think of is that maybe when I sat down my dress showed cleavage. I had a white shrug sweater on the whole day- I never took it off because the dress is sleeveless and I do not like my arms.

I kept thinking that not only was it not good enough that I am saving their ass by accepting this promotion and will be able to deliver a lot to their function but they were attacking me on a personal level. It opened up unhealed scabs and wounds of being criticized my whole life for being fat, for not being good enough. It was taken as an attack on my personal being. The emotions it awoke in me are just something I cannot deal with on a rational level. For so long, I did not look *sylish* at work. I always wore plus-sized clothing that was too big and now, jsut when I am feeling better about myself I have some old geizer attacking my appearance. I caught him looking at me during the meeting and he gives me the serious hebejeebeez. I hate him that he asked the director to come tell me. I said * why did he not just tell me this himself*. And I was told * oh no - he would never do that. He respects the hierarchy* Asshole. What do I do with the new dresses I have bought. They are not inappropriate - I am not an idiot. I know what wardrobe protocol is.

This whole incident has made me feel dirty, sleazy and embarassed. What a good way to get off on good terms with my director- standing there crying like a bumbling fool in his office.

I no longer want to apologize for how I look. I have felt ashamed for too long. I want to be respected but it seems like my dresscode according to this GM will not get me his respect or according to him anyone elses respect.

I am rambling. I am still embarassed and hurting over this. I stayed strong on protocol until about 11 pm last night promising myself that I would not turn to food. But at 11 pm I broke down and ate what I shouldnt - I will pay for the scale gain tomorrow. Damn him for this situation. Thanks for reading and letting me vent.