VLCD 32: 205.6 ( R1 P2 )

Very discouraged. I did an apple day two days ago and didn't see a loss. I've only lost 0.3 of a pound. When I re-read the protocol it said an apple day won't work unless it is a true stall of 4 days or more. I'm pissed off at my scale because it shows a lower weight but then when I re-check it seems to stabilize at the same reading after several times of moving it around.

So I'm keeping on truckin'. This evening I went to a retirement get-together at a pub and all the people around me were eating pub food: nachos, chicken fingers, homemade fries, chicken wings....... I just tried to enjoy the conversation and had a diet pepsi. No one mentioned or commented that I wasn't eating anything. I don't even know if they noticed because people were eating at different times (some got there later than others) and the atmosphere was not a sit-down dinner - it was quite casual. I had enough of looking at food and left at about 6:30 (it started at around 5pm). It's so funny that I notice such slim people ordering such fattening food. I can't figure that out.

I was so hungry on drive home I went through the drive-thru and got a McDonald's grilled chicken without the bun and no mayo and no cheese. I blotted the chicken very thoroughly with napkins and put salt and pepper and vingegar on it and it was topped with tomato and lettuce. I sat in the parking log and ate it with a fork and knife. The void was filled quite nicely and I went home and had an apple with a shake of cinnamon on it. I can still have my melba toast tonight if I want it.

My water consumption has been VERY poor. I think that may be the problem. It almost sickens me to drink water. I have to make a schedule of when to drink it throughout the day and stick to it. I feel like I'm failing - I try to be a perfectionist in certain things I do to a fault. There's other things that I just go with the flow and make do with what I can. But with this protocol, I wanted to reach 195. I know 25 pounds is good but I wanted it to be better. I only have 6 injections to go and then 3 days of 500 calorie days with no injections.

I'm going to go drink some water now and see what tomorrow brings. It's been a long week and am just starting to feel a little down. People I haven't seen in a while commented tonight and told me I looked great. Which was nice because 25 pounds off my body does show for sure. My goal is a flat stomach but that is still a long ways off.

VLCD 30: 205.9 ( R1 P2 )

No change! And I was so good yesterday. Today I'm doing an apple day. I took out 6 green apples this morning and I have had three at work. I plan to eat one an hour during the rest of this evening. I didn't have any water today just one diet pepsi so far.

It's hard because my mom was here today and made two chicken breast in the oven. They smelled so good. I contemplated just stir-frying some chicken and radishes but thought I already had one apple over the two fruits allowed per day. And, I've already made it this far into the day that I might as well keept it at just a strict *6* apple day.

We'll see what the scale says tomorrow. I'm feeling sooooo tired though. But I just keep thinking I don't have to much longer to go. I'd love to lose another 10 by the end. In actuality, I'd be happy just to be under 200 but 195 would be a safe enough distance from 200 when starting P3.

VLCD 29: 205.9 ( R1 P2 )

I went back to work today after a week off. I bought a shirt on sale last week for 90 percent off.
It is very form fitting and I can really see where I have shrunk on the sides and my stomach is fruther in than my boobs! I haven't told anyone at work about HCG or that I'm on a diet.
I was suprised that alot of people commented and said "You've lost weight!" And these are people that would usually never comment so that's a good sign. I am feeling good and not hungry or having any cravings. In these last 29 days I have discovered that I think the weight gain and bingeing has a lot to do with hormones. I have never tracked TOM before and now I am going to start tracking to see how my moods and cravings are affected monthly.

I forgot to do my shot this morning and yesterday (Sunday) was the *no injection* day but I was suprised that I wasn't hungry. I took a shot at about 6pm after I got home this evening. I know it's supposed to be 24 hrs apart but I took a chance and did it anyways. The time is passing quickly and I am so looking forward to seeing 199. I haven't been there in about 18 years - I don't even remember when. All I remember is 186 .6 when I was 16 and went to investigage a weight loss cline and they weighed me. Something to look foward to.

VLCD 28 : 206.1 ( R1 P2 )

The past two days I am not feeling hungry and really couldn't care less about eating. I've been eating as per protocol but I didn't have the second apple last night. I think it's hormonal.

We took the kids to the wave pool yesterday and they had a slushy and some fries and it didn't even bother me. I find now I'm really paying attention to what the children eat. They are not overweight and I'd say eat fairly well but in the past there was way too much fast food. I've cut way back on that and limited eating out to just weekends. They don't have weight issues but I want them to be healthy and it's my job to make sure that they have sugar in moderation and I want to do this in a positive way so that they are not even aware that I am doing it. When I was a child I would throw a temper tantrum if I didn't get the junk food/fast food that I asked for. My mother often gave in to me just because I don't think she knew what else to do to appease me because she tried often and said no but I just kept on asking for it. I didn't consider an outing or an occasion a *fun* time unless it revolved around eating. I was extremely beligerent. It's a lot to think about and I'm realizing that I have to be a role model for these children when it comes to eating healthy.

I think I will have to buy a new scale. I have two and the digital WW model gives different readings when I move it around all within one minute apart.

VLCD 26 ( R1 P2) : 207.5

The scale didn't want to give a consistent reading this morning. I went with the amount that showed up the most times and I checked on the scale in the other bathroom and that gave the same reading. So...it's 207.5.

I feel relieved today. I wrote my final exam last night and it was extremely tough. It was three essay questions of one hour each and I ran out of time near the end. I couldn't have extra time as the exam was proctored and they announced when there was only 5 minutes remaining. I don't even know if the last essay was coherent. I was skipping all over the pages trying to add in lost last minute info to try to get some extra points.

I had lean steak twice yesterday with onions. I'm considering that it is "beef" as per the protocol. It tasted divine. I'm going to do injections for 13 more days. It seems like it's been forever. I went to Eddie Bauer yesterday afternoon with the baby so that she could play in the playland that they have there. I tried on a beautiful blue trenchcoat. The lady showed me where the mirror was. I told her I'd try it first to see if I fit and if it didn't I wouldn't need the mirror. I tried on the XL and it buttoned but was slightly tight. It did not fall right. Opened it was perfect but I wanted it to look right buttoned. I tried on the XXL in black and white and it was a good fit, slightly big but I want the XL. It's strange the thoughts that go through your head. I was really expecting her to come over and see me trying on the coat and say "sorry but we don't sell clothes here big enough to fit you". In my head, I think that everyone sees me as huge and I've always been intimidated to shop in "regular" non-plus size stores even thought this store does carry XL and XXL but the sizes run smaller than a regular XL or XXL would in plus size stores. I am going to go back to that store once a week and try on that coat if they still have it there and see if some more reducing on the stomach makes a difference. I would be estatic if I could fit into the large. We'll see. But I really have to get over this self-image I have but it's been with me for so long - not good enough, not smart enough, and always the fat girl. Somethings to think about.

VLCD 25 ( R1 P2 ): 208.9 +0.06

Today is the first gain I've had since starting. Every thing was perfect with the eating up until last night. My kids were having a granola bar and the baby brought an extra one to me in the office. I opened it and a piece in my mouth and sucked it and chewed it and then spit it out. Gross, I know. Then I repeated that and had the rest of the first one and a second one. I didn't swallow any of it but I'm sure that the sugar was most likely absorbed into my system.

So anyways, this morning I drove my 6-year old to the day camp and I thought about going to the McDonald's drive thru and getting a big mac meal.

My inner voice rationalization was crazy.

Inner voice: you failed you suck just have the big mac. No one will know and maybe it will stall any loss for two days but it might kick start it again after that.

Me: why bother - you'll feel like shit afterwards and once again give in to the stress with eating.

Inner voice: but I don't really care - I will feel better

Me: no you won't but I won't hate you if you do. I feel sorry for you.

That's some weird dialogue going on it my head but it's the feeling of failure and not being able to withstand pressure. I'm glad I fought it off. I still have *a lot* of work to do emotionally. I'm tired as all hell and didn't drink any water yesterday. So I went to the grocery store and bought strawberries, cabbage and onions and a lean cut of beef. I'll have some of that for lunch and for dinner too. I forgot the melba toast as I ran out two days ago. I didn't have any melba toast yesterday so maybe that's part of the reason I gave in to sucking on the granola bars. Sounds pathetic I know but I *will* carry on.

VLCD 24: 208.3 ( R1 P2 ) TOM Day 5

I was reading another blog yesterday about eating eggs. So I thought why not? I had one egg and two egg whites scrambled. It was such a treat! It's funny that scrambled eggs would taste so damned good.

I'm only have two needles left which were rejects because teach one is only 3/4 of a full dose. I think I'll take one and then a bit of the other. I wonder if it would hurt just to take both. I don't think you can overdose??? I am going to mix the second batch tonight. It's such a pain because I need to watch the youtube video instructions while I do it because I'm paranoid I'll make a mistake. I'll need to find time to be completely alone so I don't get interupted.

I'm so excited that I received an email today for a job that I had applied for. The email gave details of the date and time for the written exam. I'll have to do research on the competencies so that I'm prepared. One more thing to study for but it's more security. The crown corporation where I work now is laying off massive amounts of employees and no one knows who's next. So I'll try my best on the test. The good thing is that my pension would be transferrable and I won't lose the vacation weeks that I have built up over 10 years.

My final law school exam for year one is this Thursday evening and I am no where near prepared. It is psyching me out and I'm wondering if I made a mistake trying to do law school part-time with all the rest of the craziness of my life right now. But I've made it almost through the first year. But I have visions of going completely blank when the exam starts and then puking. I'll be so much more calm when it is over. It's stressing but I'm doing my best to stay on plan with eating.