VLCD 25 ( R1 P2 ): 208.9 +0.06

Today is the first gain I've had since starting. Every thing was perfect with the eating up until last night. My kids were having a granola bar and the baby brought an extra one to me in the office. I opened it and a piece in my mouth and sucked it and chewed it and then spit it out. Gross, I know. Then I repeated that and had the rest of the first one and a second one. I didn't swallow any of it but I'm sure that the sugar was most likely absorbed into my system.

So anyways, this morning I drove my 6-year old to the day camp and I thought about going to the McDonald's drive thru and getting a big mac meal.

My inner voice rationalization was crazy.

Inner voice: you failed you suck just have the big mac. No one will know and maybe it will stall any loss for two days but it might kick start it again after that.

Me: why bother - you'll feel like shit afterwards and once again give in to the stress with eating.

Inner voice: but I don't really care - I will feel better

Me: no you won't but I won't hate you if you do. I feel sorry for you.

That's some weird dialogue going on it my head but it's the feeling of failure and not being able to withstand pressure. I'm glad I fought it off. I still have *a lot* of work to do emotionally. I'm tired as all hell and didn't drink any water yesterday. So I went to the grocery store and bought strawberries, cabbage and onions and a lean cut of beef. I'll have some of that for lunch and for dinner too. I forgot the melba toast as I ran out two days ago. I didn't have any melba toast yesterday so maybe that's part of the reason I gave in to sucking on the granola bars. Sounds pathetic I know but I *will* carry on.

VLCD 24: 208.3 ( R1 P2 ) TOM Day 5

I was reading another blog yesterday about eating eggs. So I thought why not? I had one egg and two egg whites scrambled. It was such a treat! It's funny that scrambled eggs would taste so damned good.

I'm only have two needles left which were rejects because teach one is only 3/4 of a full dose. I think I'll take one and then a bit of the other. I wonder if it would hurt just to take both. I don't think you can overdose??? I am going to mix the second batch tonight. It's such a pain because I need to watch the youtube video instructions while I do it because I'm paranoid I'll make a mistake. I'll need to find time to be completely alone so I don't get interupted.

I'm so excited that I received an email today for a job that I had applied for. The email gave details of the date and time for the written exam. I'll have to do research on the competencies so that I'm prepared. One more thing to study for but it's more security. The crown corporation where I work now is laying off massive amounts of employees and no one knows who's next. So I'll try my best on the test. The good thing is that my pension would be transferrable and I won't lose the vacation weeks that I have built up over 10 years.

My final law school exam for year one is this Thursday evening and I am no where near prepared. It is psyching me out and I'm wondering if I made a mistake trying to do law school part-time with all the rest of the craziness of my life right now. But I've made it almost through the first year. But I have visions of going completely blank when the exam starts and then puking. I'll be so much more calm when it is over. It's stressing but I'm doing my best to stay on plan with eating.

VLCD 23: 208.8 ( R1 P2 ) TOM Day 4

Forgot to weigh myself yesterday. I always weigh first thing in the morning so I wan't to keep it consistent. I'm glad to see the weight coming off. The funny thing is though is I can't see it. Yes, my pants are looser and not leaving a big red mark on my stomach at the end of the day. I am still wearing my size 18 jeans which were a bit loose even when I bought them but they are at the point now where I should consider wearing a belt just in case.

My back is hurting something fierce. I've never had a bad back. I am a little worried though because of something my mom said about where I should be giving the injections. I did them in the upper part of my stomach a few times. She couldn't believe that when I told her because she said that's where are all the important internal organs are. Now I'm having weird thoughts that I punctured my pancreas or something and that's why I'm having really bad back pain. Is it true that you should never inject in your upper stomach? I thought it would be okay because there's some fat there.

I'm still craving cheese something fierce. I'm going to do the last injection on March 31, and then the three days of VLCD (with no injections) so that I can have some turkey (and more than 3 oz ) on Easter Sunday. That's 18 more days. Wow that seems long! I'll see how it goes but that's the plan. I have to start researching what I can eat on P3.

VLCD 21: 211.4 ( R1 P2) TOM Day 2

Glad to have seen a loss today. I woke up and weighed myself and I was 213.9. So discouraging. Then I went back to bed to read for a bit and ended up falling asleep again. My husband made sure the kids were fed and took care of them while I slept. When I woke up I weighed myself again and the scale said 211.4. I checked obsessively 10 times with the scale moved in different places and it still said 211.4. I'm hoping the 213.9 was just a fluke.
I took an injection yesterday even though I guess I wasn't supposed to but Sundays are my "no shot" day so I thought it wouldn't hurt. The movie last night went well but when we came home the kids asked for a delicio pizza. It was cooling on the stove and I took some cheese off the top and ate it. The second I swallowed it I thought "what the heck am I doing" but it was too late.

I wasn't feeling well this afternoon so I didn't eat much for dinner. I made spaghetti for the children and took some of the lean ground beef mixed with onion out for myself before I added the tomato sauce and diced tomatoes. Then I realized I hand't weighed it raw so I just had 3 oz. I didn't bother with the vegatables. It tasted ok but bland. I forced myself to eat it even though I wasn't hungry. I can't sleep right now- it's way later than I usually stay up. I hear my stomach *growling" but my stomach feels still not right so I'm just waiting to go to sleep.

It will be interesting to see what the scale says tomorrow.

VLCD 20: 212.9 ( R1 P2) TOM Day 1

Down almost a pound today. I only had two melba toast yesterday. I'm keeping those in check because it's just not worth it to *cheat* with melba toast.

I'm taking the girls and my niece to see the Alice in Wonderland movie this evening. I'm purposely not buying them the movie theather pop corn because it's just too tempting for me.
I'm packing them some air popped popcorn and some fuzzy peach and swedish berry candy for them.

I'll bring strawberries which is my second serving of fruit for the day. Hopefully that will do the trick. Happy Saturday.

VLCD 19: 213.7 ( R1 P2 )

Stayed completely on plan yesterday. Kind of stressed now. My husband just finally started a new contract today which will help so much but financially things are not good. I had to pay the hydro bill this morning as it was already overdue and I got the warning notice.

We are behind three mortgage payments. And, he's still working at night. He wakes up at 2 does his delivery job until 6. Then he goes to the next gov't job from 8-4. I feel bad for him but he knows that we have to get back on track financially. He'll be making a lot of money but I'm hoping the contract lasts for the full three months. My mom will take care of the baby during the day which I'm really thankful for. The reason we're in so much debt is because I took unpaid leave after my maternity leave was up and then when my husband got laid off last April I went back to work and he took a part-time But I've never been able to catch up on the arrears payments.

It will be a tough week until I get paid Thursday. My six year old is in a day camp for the full week starting Monday but I didn't sign my ten year old up for anything yet and now I can't. So I'll have the 10 and 2 year old for full days next week.

I have a major exam to study for which I have to write on the 19th so things are crazy now. I'm not going to give into the temptation to go off plan. I'll get through this week. Things will get better.

VLCD 18 : 214.5 ( R1 P2)

So still 214.5 this morning. It's getting harder as the days go by. Yesterday I brought in one cellophane package of melba toast. I thought it would be good to keep the supply here at work instead of bringing 2 two pieces each morning. Well........that was a VERY bad idea. I kept them on my desk next to the phone and I lost track and almost subconsciously kept taking " a little more". By 4:30 they were all gone. The rest of the day I was completely on protocol.

So today, I have just two melba toast with me. I will have no more when I go home. It's funny that I'm willing to do all the other work staying on plan but will mess it up with stupid melba toast which doesn't even taste that great!

Hope to stay totally on plan today. I'll be off work tomorrow and all of next week because my kids have March Break holidays. The daily routine will be changed and I'll have more access to food. But, my mindset is ready for it, I think.